Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

Waves_and_Smiles

Morning all! I think the leak is fixed! No one has said a word to me but there has been no dripping for 2 days so I presume it's done. There were some scraping and banging noises from upstairs two days ago so I am hopeful!

Little penguin about death- My american friend's grandmother is sadly dying. They were very, very close so she is spending as much time at the hospital as she can. They have on what is called Comfort Care which is their equivalent of end of life care. She is comfortable and pain free and rarely conscious now. I am trying to be as supportive as I can without thinking Argh, Death! My friend is very sad but she recognises her grandmother is 89 and had a good life during which she was loved very much. I am panicking that I am going to say the wrong thing, I don't do well with death (you may have noticed). End penguin.

tea_lover

WaS, one thing I've always found to be true in these sorts of situations is that it's better to say something than nothing. You can tie yourself up in knots worrying about the right words but all that really matters is being there and letting your friend know how much you care. Bereavement is one of those times where people who are usually good friends can just fall into silence - usually because of fear of saying/doing the wrong thing rather than any mean intentions.

Your friend won't remember the details of any unintentionally clumsy words, but she will remember that you're there for her and thinking of her.

Take care - this can't be an easy time for you either xx.

Pyxis

WaS, sorry to hear that. You won't say the wrong thing, and anyway, your friend knows you well enough to know that you don't give offence.





whitewing, muscle is definitely heavier than fat by volume. To start with, fat floats!


I just read something really funny, when googling muscle v. fat. It was trying to tell you that they weigh the same because "a pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat". :rotfl: No, really?

Of course, when it comes to dieting, and muscle v. fat, we're really talking about volume. So a fat leg can reduce in measurement because the fat layer reduces but the muscle increases, but not reduce in weight, because the increased muscle weighs more per unit volume than the same volume of fat.

However, an increase in muscle bulk is much healthier than an increase in fat bulk! As well as the more toned appearance being nicer.
So, you can look slimmer and more toned, but weigh the same as before. Your clothes will feel looser, though.

Apologies if I'm STBO!

Reminds me of the time when, as a very young child, my father asked me, which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of iron? Of course, the sack that holds a ton of feathers will be much more massive than the sack holding the ton of iron!
(By the way, I failed that question! But I was very, very young!:rotfl:)

whitewing

89 is a brilliant age!

I agree with tea that the kind intention will mean more than the words themselves.

I think also the grief can be slightly different when the person has had a long life. It is still sad and still many occasions where they will be sorely missed, but also plenty of lovely memories. Your friend may find it helpful if you listen to her reminisce. That was mostly what we did after my grandparents died. It helps to solidify the memory. There's a lot of truth in the saying, you are not really dead if people are talking about you!

mellymoo74

WaS
I remember from dad just the fact people acknowledged it and tried to say something meant tons.xx

Ok so healthy minds now want to see me face to face to make an assessment to be honest that's making me worse they obvious want to assess me on skinniness

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you everyone that is very good advice that I will remember. It is difficult for my friend for other reasons too. Tiny religious penguin. My friend's family are all Seventh Day Adventists and there is an awful lot of praying and speaking to God going on. My friend does believe in God and an afterlife but not in the beliefs of that church, in fact she finds them very triggering due to them being misused when she was a child (very similarly to how religion was used against me by my mother). None of her family know that she doesn't share their beliefs and they would be upset if they knew so she is having to cringe inwardly and go along with it. It is all very, very hard for her and I am the only one who knows what she truly believes so I need to be there to listen to her. I shall do my best, I wish that I could be there with her. End tiny penguin.

codemonkey

Hugs WaS. It's not your fault. Just tell her you're thinking of her and let her talk about her grandmother, as sometimes people get uncomfortable and try to change the subject. I'm rubbish at these things though.

Penguin about death My aunt's cancer has spread to her brain. My mum seems unaware about what that means as steroids mean aunt is feeling better, but a quick google suggests the average prognosis is about 2.5 months. (It can be up to 13 months but that assumes the person is young and healthy and my aunt is 72 and has smoked all her adult life). I haven't been to see her as she lives in a town about an hour from me and I feel like I should, but then what? I haven't seen her since my wedding almost 5 years ago and we had nothing to talk about then. What do you even say to someone who is dying? I may see if my mum wants to go up so she can carry the conversation. Again, not your fault WaS.

Also, and I'm aware what a horrible person this makes me, I'm not that upset about it. I mean, I'm sad, she was a part of my childhood and I remember Sunday dinners at her house and I feel bad for my cousins, but, I feel more upset at the idea of DA dog dying, and that's surely not right. Anyway, sorry to hijack. end penguin.

Eta As for the second penguin, penguin answer Long term she probably needs to tell them of her beliefs but now is probably not the time. I don't believe, but in a way, I envy those who do, as it is some comfort, I think.

tea_lover

Penguin reply to code
I wasn't massively upset when my uncle died and I felt a bit bad about that. Despite being my dad's twin, living nearby, and being my only aunt/uncle, we just weren't close. I saw him a bit when we were little but his wife was horrible and I only saw him a handful of times after they got married (when I was about 10). He died the week after I got married (so would have been 2001) and I was upset for my Dad, but I just didn't know the bloke. I didn't go to see him when he was ill and it's actually only just occurred to me that perhaps I should have done.
So basically that ramble is to say that just because someone is technically family it doesn't mean you're going to be close to them.
FWIW, I think the offer to take your mum on a visit is a nice idea.
End penguin.

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin to code I am so sorry to hear about your aunt. It doesn't make you a horrid person at all. When my cat whom I had nursed for a year died I was far more upset over that than any previous human death other than my dad's. One type of love doesn't cancel out another just because we feel differently about it, there are lots of factors involved such as familiarity and our personal involvement in the lives of others, human or animal that make us feel close to someone.

Do you want to see your aunt? Would it help you to do so? Just because someone is a blood relative doesn't mean that we have to automatically feel close to them, we can have nothing in common with them the same way as we can with anyone else. If she has other people visiting her and supporting her she will know she is loved, just make sure you won't have any regrets about not seeing her if you don't go. End penguin

Pyxis

Reply to Code's penguin:
You're not a horrible person. I've had several family members die over the last 15-20 years whom I wasn't at all close to and hadn't seen for years, and felt very little other than the sort of sadness you might feel for a random stranger. The biggest emotion was for myself......sadness that they hadn't wanted to have a relationship with me while they were alive. It was an academic sadness.

Yet when my cats, and later my dogs died, I was in anguish. I wept and wept and wept. And even now, years later, if I think too much about them, a tear will come to my eye.

They (the pets) came to me of their own accord, they seemed pleased to see me, they gave me joy. The relatives never did any of that!end penguin.