Grandparents having favourites

Mojisola

Armchair23 wrote: »

Just a thought but being a grandparent isn't some saintly role handed down by the Gods.

Just as we all have our likes and dislikes and have times when we're unreasonable or wonderful, the same happens here.

Not saying that it's OK to be dismissive of a particular grandchild but none of us are perfect, including the parents and children, so it seems unrealistic to think that grandparents should always rise above this.

But grandparents are adults with lots of life experience under their belts so they should know that their actions will have consequences.

If either set of grandparents had treated our children so differently, they would have had very little contact with them.

Robisere

Our 4 grandchildren are not given money: they have earned it since being toddlers, either for small tasks or being good, from our ds and dd. As they grew older, the tasks increased, now we have them gardening and other jobs for us (we are both disabled.) and they visit often. They are a real Godsend at times.

The difference is that we gave them all an ISA a few years ago, and told them all about it, that it was to help with their futures when they are 18. Two have already taken the ISA's and used them to begin a Bank account. At Christmas/birthdays, we ask if they want a present or cash and they invariably say cash, which we transfer to their accounts.

The youngest one (10) caused a bit of a problem with the other grandparents, who tried to give her cash. "Put it into my bank, that's what other gran & granddad do." They took exception to this, but then they are very cold and unloving people, our SIL has stated that he prefers our company to his own parents, as we always give him a hug and they have never done that.

I think the best way is to make them realise the value of money, put the money away for their futures, only parents should give them pocket money

*Robin*

I'm a grandmother, with many youngsters I count as grandchildren; some from my own brood, some step, some foster..
This thread has made me wonder how all their parents think of me: It's rare I remember birthdays on time, tend to buy things I think a particular child will enjoy when such items catch my eye, not necessarily when their birthday is due. Sometimes buy larger presents after forgetting someone's special day or not having found something suitable at Christmas. Have never celebrated events like changing school (although have helped out with cost of uniform, new equipment etc).
Do reward good behaviour or excellent exam results (when a child has achieved much better than expected, therefore must have worked hard).

In my hearing the parents have joked, congratulating me if a gift is given within a couple of months of a birthday - but all the children have told me they really enjoy receiving carefully chosen things from me at times when they're not already overwhelmed by a pile of presents..

As for behaviour. If a two-year-old stuck their fingers into a salad intended for everyone to share, I'd curse my lack of foresight and promptly find the child an individual bowl after sending them off to wash their hands before eating.
But if an eleven-year-old tried the same trick, yes they could expect a telling-off - and I'd be very unimpressed if the child retreated to the bathroom in tears rather than apologising! If said child and their mother then refused to sit down and eat with the family, preferring to wait outside in a car - well, that would certainly affect my opinion of the parent for ever after (although I would do my best to look out for and praise improvements in the child's demeanour during subsequent visits).

Of course standards have changed over the years. In my own family there is one nuclear unit who probably think of me as the OP does of her MIL. But to my mind, their children are greedy, selfish and rude; they demand expensive gifts, never say 'thank you', and can't be trusted to behave well when taken out. As a result I rarely contact them because it is not a pleasant experience. Those parents could certainly complain that I do not treat their children the same as the others - some of whom have a much more tenuous connection to the family - but why should I, when neither they nor their kids show any appreciation of my efforts?

I'm not perfect, my memory for special dates is rubbish these days and like most older folk I'm set in my ways. It gives me great pleasure when any of the youngsters works hard to achieve their goals, but I have little patience for the entitled attitude which has become the norm in much of society.

Dare say this post will attract flaming replies, but it's worth pointing out: There are at least two sides to every story.

LannieDuck

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

It did happen. I wanted all of us to go home. DS2 locked himself in the downstairs toilet. I could hear him crying. He was 11 or so at the time. He came out when I said that we would go home. I didn't want to waste time speaking with my MIL when I could hear DS2 crying in the toilet.

My husband refused, saying that his mum had cooked now. He wasn't in the room when MIL told DS2 off and I didn't want a scene, so I went and waited in the car. DS2 really loves fish and chips, so I got my husband to stop off at the chip shop on the way home and bought him some.

So the rest of the family sat down to a meal inside while you and DS2 sat outside in the car, presumably hungry? Then you stopped off to buy fish and chips just for DS2?

That's quite odd behaviour.

KxMx

Discussed recently here

Indie_Kid

This is something I noticed from a young age with my dad's parents. They for, whatever reason, didn't like my mum and would usually only invite my brother up to see them. We were sometimes invited up. But it was rare. Thankfully, it was nothing (in terms of presents) like some people are saying here.

paddy's_mum

milliemonster wrote: »

without making a fuss about it.

Agreed.

However, there are times when making a fuss about it is the only honourable and fair way to go on.

How immoral for a relative to be laying down the foundations for future discord, even resentment or hatred, between siblings.

Better_Days

My SIL's parents treat my nephews differently. The oldest goes to stay with his grandparents most weekends where he gets individual attention which he loves. The other two never go on their own for individual attention. The grandparents also take the oldest away on holiday with them at least once a year. This year they took him away for two weeks, he went sailing, other activities, lots of trips out. The other two were given £5 worth of gifts from Cornwall and that is all.

The middle child actually says, unprompted, that he does not like his grandmother as she is mean to him. He is only 7 and when he visits us he is well behaved and is a cheerful child.

Frankly, my SIL doesn't help either. The eldest is clearly favoured, he has SEN's but the whole family revolves around what the oldest wants and likes (rather than what he needs which isn't the same thing at all).

The favouritism is blatant and appears to know no bounds. I'd like a pound for the number of times my SIL has said 'child S likes this', 'we went there because child S wanted to go', 'child S really enjoyed himself', 'child S would like a dvd player/ipad/xbox, I'd love to buy him one' (enter item of your choice), 'I feel sorry for child S because of this or that'. Never any mention of the the other two children. If I ask if child Y or child Z liked a particular trip or would like a particular item, my SIL, just says yes, then goes back to talking about child S.

I appreciate that the eldest has different needs, but I think you can still be fair even if parents/grandparents are not able to treat the children the same. It is the fairness that is missing unfortunately.

My brother and SIL were dismissive when we commented on the focus on child S (after a particularly difficult morning when child S's behaviour was dreadful because I wouldn't let him have what he wanted) - they acknowledged the favouritism but said they say that is how they chose to manage his behaviour.

Having grown up in a family where one child was favoured over the others I know how much discord it can cause, and resentment between siblings well into adulthood.

ALIBOBSY

I am sorry OP but if that incident with the telling off happened to me I would have told OH we were leaving, if he said no I would have taken the car keys and all the kids and gone home and left him to sort himself out.

Mind you I wouldn't have taken that treatment of my child and would have had it out with the in laws there and then.

If either of my kids grans had set out some salad and the kids wanted a piece they wouldn't have been fussed at all. TBH as far as I am concerned if the food is out family/buffet style you can start nibbling as soon as you feel like it. If you want people to wait keep stuff covered or on individual plates.

Ali x

benrben

Op, has your husband spoken to them about their behaviour yet?