Grandparents having favourites

Ms_Chocaholic

I have a cousin that shares the same birthday, the cousin lived with his family in a town nearby that we regularly visited but my grandmother did not. One year, on the day of my birthday, my grandmother came to our home and asked my father if we were planning to go to (nearby town) that day as she had a birthday gift for my cousin she'd like him to take. Guess what, no present for me!

McKneff

Some children are academically gifted and yes I can see why they would deserve to be rewarded but if the next child down, however hard they worked did not get the same grades, are they ignored, very wrong because they maybe would have tried even harder to 'keep up' with the older one.


I for one am paranoid about treating my children and grand childrent equally.

Armchair23

Just a thought but being a grandparent isn't some saintly role handed down by the Gods.

Just as we all have our likes and dislikes and have times when we're unreasonable or wonderful, the same happens here.

Not saying that it's OK to be dismissive of a particular grandchild but none of us are perfect, including the parents and children, so it seems unrealistic to think that grandparents should always rise above this.

pickledonionspaceraider

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

They also tell him off a lot more. Once, my MIL forgot I was there and I was shocked at how she spoke to him.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

The grandmother thinks it is her job to discipline your child whilst you are in the room? Really does speak volumes about the way she views you and your child

Mrs_pbradley936

I would not let any of them near the old cow!

benrben

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

They also tell him off a lot more. Once, my MIL forgot I was there and I was shocked at how she spoke to him. Certainly not in a way that a loving grandmother would speak to a grandchild. She was making tea for us at the time and got upset because DS2 dared to take a piece of cucumber out of the salad bowl which she had placed in front of him. I ended up sitting outside in the car with DS2 while my other children and husband had tea. My husband had believed his mum that DS2 had deserved it and I didn't want a scene in their house.

In fact, my husband said to me, once we got back home, about how I didn't know if DS2 deserved it or not and that DS2 could be making it up. I told him that I did know as I was in the room the whole time, which I was.

I'm sorry, I wouldn't normally post negatively on a thread, but if this situation really happened, then shame on all of the adults involved. You should have made your husband aware at the time that your MIL had been so horrible to your DS2 rather than sitting outside in the car, I can't imagine how distressing that must've been for him, he already felt different from your other 2 kids & tbh if my husband sat & calmly ate tea playing happy families with his mother & half of his family whilst the other half were sitting upset in a car outside, I'd kick his backside so hard (figuratively speaking) he'd be eating standing up for the next month.
I really hope you sort it out, but if you can't then just stop visiting them, if your husband doesn't like it, tough, kids come first.

DevilsAdvocate1

benrben wrote: »

I'm sorry, I wouldn't normally post negatively on a thread, but if this situation really happened, then shame on all of the adults involved. You should have made your husband aware at the time that your MIL had been so horrible to your DS2 rather than sitting outside in the car, I can't imagine how distressing that must've been for him, he already felt different from your other 2 kids & tbh if my husband sat & calmly ate tea playing happy families with his mother & half of his family whilst the other half were sitting upset in a car outside, I'd kick his backside so hard (figuratively speaking) he'd be eating standing up for the next month.
I really hope you sort it out, but if you can't then just stop visiting them, if your husband doesn't like it, tough, kids come first.

It did happen. I wanted all of us to go home. DS2 locked himself in the downstairs toilet. I could hear him crying. He was 11 or so at the time. He came out when I said that we would go home. I didn't want to waste time speaking with my MIL when I could hear DS2 crying in the toilet.

My husband refused, saying that his mum had cooked now. He wasn't in the room when MIL told DS2 off and I didn't want a scene, so I went and waited in the car. DS2 really loves fish and chips, so I got my husband to stop off at the chip shop on the way home and bought him some.

I have never said anything to my family about MIL not liking me. My husband gets upset if I say this, so I just don't anymore. The event which prompted this thread was my son getting upset on discovering that DS1 had received £10 of getting okay AS level results (okay is the word used by my in laws when they handed the money over).

So DS2 is feeling that he is not liked, without me saying anything to him about being disliked.

I thought I'd had a break through with my husband a couple of years ago when he witnessed her speaking to me in a nasty manner. He had come downstairs and into the living room and she had not heard him come into the room. He was very supportive for a while and even said we did not have to see them anymore. However, I don't want to cut them out of our lives, they are his family at the end of the day. I would be devastated in the future if my sons cut me out of their lives.

barbiedoll

OP, how old are your children now? Do they understand what is happening to your middle one? Do they get on well and would they be willing to share cash gifts between them?

It would be lovely if your MIL gave your oldest/youngest son some money for being her favourite little soldier, only for him to immediately tell her..."Thanks Granny, I'm going to share it with my brother because he doesn't get anything otherwise"

Can you imagine her face!

seven-day-weekend

We don't have grandchildren, but some young friends of ours have two little girls who we call our surrogate grandchildren. We have more of a 'special' feeling for the older one. However, we would never show that we liked her better than her sister, and buy them both suitable gifts when we visit, and play with them equally when we are there (well my husband does, I don't play with either of them ). How very unkind it would be (and how childish) to show favouritism.

milliemonster

My paternal grandparents used to treat me differently to my brother, mainly because I was their only female grandchild and they valued females less than males, they would make a point of giving my brother and male cousins money and gifts in front of me and nothing for me. My mother handled this by taking whatever was on offer (money for example) and dividing it equally between me and my brother even though it had been given just to him. My grandmother would make some comment about how it had been given to my brother but my mum would just say it was unfair to give solely to him so she would make sure it was for both of us without making a fuss about it.