Grandparents having favourites

DevilsAdvocate1

I have 3 sons. My husband's parents clearly favour the older and younger children. My middle son was in tears earlier because he says his grandparents hate him and he doesn't know why.

There have been several incidences over the years, but I didn't realise my son felt as strongly as he does. The latest incident started a few weeks ago. They gave my younger son £5 in front of my middle son, saying that the younger one had got such a good report he deserved a pocket money bonus. I should say here, my middle son also got a fantastic report, his best one ever as he's really knuckled down this year.

Anyway, my elder son told us tonight that their grandparents had given him a £10 pocket money bonus for doing well in his AS levels. This was done when he visited them on his own. And this is what upset my middle son tonight.

When my eldest started secondary school, a big fuss was made of him. He was given a card, a special pen etc. When my middle son started secondary nothing at all was said. No card, no pen (special or otherwise). My youngest starts secondary next year and I bet a big fuss will be made.

Would you challenge them over this? Not sure what I could say. I know MIL would just say that she has a note of everything she's ever given them and it all works out. Or she'll say its her rules and not up to us.

Blackpool_Saver

Disgusting behaviour, this sort of thing really upsets me. Yes I would be having a word.

mum2one

I'd bring it up in conversation, maybe they don't know there doing it x

VfM4meplse

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

I have 3 sons. My husband's parents clearly favour the older and younger children. My middle son was in tears earlier because he says his grandparents hate him and he doesn't know why.

He's not wrong to feel this way. There is such a thing as confirmation bias and your in laws are doing a sterling job of reinforcing this.

Whatever their reasons are, they are the adults. What possible joy could they derive from this hurtful behaviour? Paediatrics should be left to the kids.

harrys_nan

Been there had that happen.
I would say something for certain.
When a child notices that they are being treated different from their siblings, it then becomes a big problem.
I would speak to them in a calm way because they just might not realise that they are doing it.

amistupid

It's hard to comment on your in laws behaviour based on a single example, generally they seem good grandparents and I find it hard to understand why they would treat your middle child differently from the other two. Has he ever done anything to upset them?

I rarely rewarded my children the same for school reports, they were treated individually based on their effort and attainment. The fact that your eldest was rewarded for good A/S level results is irrelevant as neither of the other two have taken those exams.

Scrapaholic

Just wondering , as they're your in laws, what does your husband think about the situation ? If it was us , we'd bring it up with the in laws together when the children weren't there . My dad used to buy things for our son but not our daughter . When I mentioned it he said he found it easier to buy for a boy . He wasn't meaning to be unfair or hurt her feelings .
We have four grandchildren and I hope we treat them all fairly .

Diamond_Orchid

I think it needs to be brought up as your middle son has now noticed, and it is, quite rightly, upsetting him.

It would be interesting to see what their reply will be and what they will do to remedy it. It seems odd that your two other sons were rewarded for doing well, but he wasn't. That must have made him feel bad.

The trouble is this can create issues between your boys, which is not fair as you will then have to deal with this.

I sympathise as my inlaws seem to spend quite a lot of money on things for their other grandchildren, but our DS doesn't get as much. He is younger though and doesn't actually ask for anything, plus his father is a waster so I think they feel responsible. Luckily my DS has a great dad.

Louk

Yes, if you all agree (you, husband and middle child) that there has been an injustice then something should be said (preferably by your husband).
Their responses may be as predicted but at least your son will know you have stood up for him.

pickledonionspaceraider

I agree with the above - it does appear that the grandparents are acting unreasonably to say the least.

Something does need to be said, and as LouK says, probably best by your OH...They need to know that your middle lad finds their behaviour unfair. I would tell them that I want a 'you dont give one without the others, or none at all' rule

If your MIL says 'its her rules and nothing to do with you' then you need to get harsher and say that it is YOU as parents that are left picking up the pieces of her constantly knocking his self esteem - and remind her how the feeling of low self esteem could last him a life time and do him some serious psychological damage!! They could be doing irreparable damage.

DevilsAdvocate1

Thanks everyone for your replies.

This is not the first instance by any means. When my eldest started secondary school a big fuss was made of him. He is not their eldest grandchild, so it wasn't a first for them having a grandchild go to secondary school. He was given a special pen, a card and they talked about it really proudly with him. When middle son started there was nothing. No conversation, no card, no pen.

I remember when he was still in primary school and my middle son said "I can't wait to start secondary so a big fuss will be made of me". So he was feeling it even then.

They also tell him off a lot more. Once, my MIL forgot I was there and I was shocked at how she spoke to him. Certainly not in a way that a loving grandmother would speak to a grandchild. She was making tea for us at the time and got upset because DS2 dared to take a piece of cucumber out of the salad bowl which she had placed in front of him. I ended up sitting outside in the car with DS2 while my other children and husband had tea. My husband had believed his mum that DS2 had deserved it and I didn't want a scene in their house.

In fact, my husband said to me, once we got back home, about how I didn't know if DS2 deserved it or not and that DS2 could be making it up. I told him that I did know as I was in the room the whole time, which I was.

I think she doesn't like DS2 because he looks like me and I've always felt that she doesn't like me. She does little things which put me down but sound petty when I explain them. For example, she will visit us and proudly announce that she has a present for all of the family. What this means is that he has a present for her own husband (who she arrived with), my husband and my children. I'm never included. A subtle way of saying I'm not a part of the family.

Only spoke to my husband briefly today as he's been working long hours. He's going to say something but wants to think about it first. He agrees that he has to support his son.