Daily drag of chores and routine

thriftylass

Hello,

just a little vent really and looking for advice how to break the cycle if that is even possible as there aren't more hours in the day.

I just feel stuck in a daily rut. Get up at 5 or 6 when DD (18mo) wakes up. "Hang around" for 2 hours till DS (4) gets up and we have breakfast. Can't really use these hours (apart from of course spending time with DD) as the rest of the house still sleeps. DH gets up, drives us to work at 8;15. Work till 5. Pick DS up, bus home, make dinner for kids. Playtime, bedtime, dinner for us, prep lunches for me and DS, dishes, washing, bins, 30 min telly at 9, bed. And again from the start. I'm just fed up of being up from 5 to 9 just dealing with necessities. Being at work seems almost easier than being at home as I can at least get a cuppa when I want in peace. And of course on the weekend I might get the hoover out, give the bathroom a wipe in between really just keeping the kids entertained.

We're never without the kids as we don't have babysitters. Friends with kids are just similarly busy and can't be asked to look after another two. I used to be a bit of a loner and even before kids had the odd weekend to myself whereas now I'm ecstatic if I have the loo to myself.

How do other FT working mums (I mean FT mums that are also working outside the house FT) deal with this and manage to have some me time? How do you manage to feel like life isn't just flying past?

P.S. DH gets up with the kids one morning a week and often works late at home.

elsien

So what's the split of chores, cleaning and cooking in your house, with both of you working full time? Because on first reading, it doesn't appear to be particularly balanced - what does OH do while you are getting up early, cooking two evening meals, washing up, the laundry, child care and bedtime routines?

Alikay

You might feel much better if your DD slept until an acceptable hour, then you could stay up later and have a bit of "me" time (or "us" time with your husband). 5 am isn't ideal for getting up if everyone else sleeps in until 7. Have you tried experimenting with her bedtime, giving a bit of cereal for supper or maybe ask her childminder to cut back on her daytime nap to see if that may help her to sleep in for longer?

thriftylass

elsien wrote: »

So what's the split of chores, cleaning and cooking in your house, with both of you working full time? Because on first reading, it doesn't appear to be particularly balanced - what does OH do while you are getting up early, cooking two evening meals, washing up, the laundry, child care and bedtime routines?

Well to be honest there lies a big part of the problem, there isn't really a split. I'm a bit too soft and let him get away with it because he often works late at home after dinner. He was never a morning person (used to get up half 9, in work for 10, so massive improvement to get up at 8) but then he never goes to bed till 12/half 12. I came to accept that his biological clock is shifted compared to mine. Honestly, not worth the hassle.

Actually reading my original post back I know exactly how to change it. He often asks if he can help but I guess I'm a bit like my mum, better do it myself and get it done right . Someone said once you can either ask a man to do sth or to do it right but not both . Anyway, I should really rope him in more on nights he's not working or playing football.

Oh and DH keeps them entertained while I make them their dinner and he does DS bed time and story while I start cooking our dinner.

Often I feel it isn't too unbalanced especially on days when he has to work late. Other nights, I totally see your point.

thriftylass

Alikay wrote: »

You might feel much better if your DD slept until an acceptable hour, then you could stay up later and have a bit of "me" time (or "us" time with your husband). 5 am isn't ideal for getting up if everyone else sleeps in until 7. Have you tried experimenting with her bedtime, giving a bit of cereal for supper or maybe ask her childminder to cut back on her daytime nap to see if that may help her to sleep in for longer?

I hope it's just a phase. She was a good sleeper from an early age and then went through a phase of waking up at 12 but sleeping till 6-7. Now she's up at 5 or 6 but sleeps through from 7. She has an hour/90 min nap in the afternoon in nursery which she needs, really. And at night time we tried to push back bedtime after 7 but that doesn't work either as she is then over tired. She has dinner at about half 5 and then a cup of milk before bedtime and maybe fruit etc as a snack between.

The other thing is that the kids have to share a bedroom, so I can't really leave her to learn to settle herself again in the morning as DS will wake up as we did with DS.

Pixie5740

Why do you always have to be the one to get up at 5am? Why can't OH do that some mornings as you are both working full time. It's his choice to stay up until after midnight but that's not necessarily compatible with family life.

You should either get him to do his fair share of the housework (difficult to change since you've let him get away with it for so long) or if you can afford it, get a cleaner in. If you find a good cleaner he/she will be worth every penny (unless you are one of those people who really enjoy cleaning).

pinkteapot

The hours you have outside of work per day are fixed, so it's about using them as efficiently as possible. You need to look at the time you have, and work out where you feel like you're wasting it.

Firstly, that two hours first thing in the morning. That's a huge chunk of your available time. You say you can't do anything because everyone else is asleep, but could you do any chores then, eg laundry? It should be long enough for a load to go through the machine, and it's a job off the evening list. Is the issue that the machine would wake the others?

Are there any hobbies you have, or things you'd like to do with more time, that you could do with DD around? Could you use a bit of that early morning time to do something you actively enjoy, with her helping or doing something alongside you? This will depend on what it is you like to do. Or find something new that you like and is toddler friendly that you can do with DD in this time.

The other option for the morning, as someone else has said, is try to gradually get DD to sleep later, so you can too, and then you can go to bed later.

One thing that struck me on your evening description was separate phases of cooking for the kids and you. Could you all eat together, even though that would mean you eating earlier? You could still cook the kids something different, but do both meals at the same time. Two rounds of cooking/clearing the table takes a big chunk of time out.

As a previous poster said, make sure you're getting OH to pull his weight with the chores. My DH won't do chores unless asked - not out of laziness - he just has a complete blind spot and somehow doesn't see what needs doing. I hated asking him at first as I didn't want to be a naggy wife, but he genuinely doesn't mind and I'm slowly getting more comfortable with delegating.

If you have any spare cash (unlikely I know with two young kids), consider having a cleaner, even if just once a fortnight. We have one because to us, both working FT, it's worth the cost to not have to spend half of Saturday cleaning the house. May or may not be an option financially though.

Can you speak to DH about you taking turns to have a bit of alone time at weekends? Not every weekend, but say once a month one of you takes the kids for half a day and the other can see friends, do something outside the house they enjoy, etc. You mention that you used to get the odd weekend to yourself. If you're the sort who needs a bit of alone time to regenerate every now and then, it'll help if you can work it in somehow, even if it's not often.

You could also look at finding a babysitter (if you can get a recommendation) and agree that once every couple of months say, you'll have the kids babysat so you can have a bit of time for just the two of you. Doesn't have to be often - but plan it in and stick to it so you have something to look forward to.

You also mention that you "just keep the kids entertained". What did you and OH do together before kids? For example, if you used to like going for walks then do that again and take the kids with you. While there will be a lot of doing 'kid' things that frankly aren't that interesting(!), you may be able to do adapted versions of some things you enjoy and get the kids into it too. Possibly not till they're slightly older - depends what it is.

meer53

Why don't you prepare your evening meal in the morning, or maybe do some ironing to save you having to do this later ? I could think of loads of things to do that wouldn't disturb anyone who is asleep.

thriftylass

Pixie5740 wrote: »

If you find a good cleaner he/she will be worth every penny (unless you are one of those people who really enjoy cleaning).

I do actually if I get the chance

thriftylass

meer53 wrote: »

Why don't you prepare your evening meal in the morning, or maybe do some ironing to save you having to do this later ? I could think of loads of things to do that wouldn't disturb anyone who is asleep.

DH has only to shirts so hardly any ironing needed :cool:. Most meals are cooked from fresh and don't actually need much prep that could be done in the morning, but I keep it in mind and see what can be done.

thriftylass

pinkteapot wrote: »

The hours you have outside of work per day are fixed, so it's about using them as efficiently as possible. You need to look at the time you have, and work out where you feel like you're wasting it.

Firstly, that two hours first thing in the morning. That's a huge chunk of your available time. You say you can't do anything because everyone else is asleep, but could you do any chores then, eg laundry? It should be long enough for a load to go through the machine, and it's a job off the evening list. Is the issue that the machine would wake the others? Yes, you're right, I need to be more proactive. The WM is right under the bedrooms, so that's off, but I could do the clean laundry, dust etc. With hindsight no idea why I didn't do that earlier.

Are there any hobbies you have, or things you'd like to do with more time, that you could do with DD around? Could you use a bit of that early morning time to do something you actively enjoy, with her helping or doing something alongside you? This will depend on what it is you like to do. Or find something new that you like and is toddler friendly that you can do with DD in this time. Will have a think. Unfortunately, at that age she is into everything and more into destructive mode but we'll see.


The other option for the morning, as someone else has said, is try to gradually get DD to sleep later, so you can too, and then you can go to bed later. Will definitely have a think about some options for that and try something new

One thing that struck me on your evening description was separate phases of cooking for the kids and you. Could you all eat together, even though that would mean you eating earlier? You could still cook the kids something different, but do both meals at the same time. Two rounds of cooking/clearing the table takes a big chunk of time out. The kids usually just get sth simple that I prepared earlier like HM soup, sandwiches, HM chicken goujons. We like to eat later as we like spicy food, I like to try new things and to be brutally honest like to eat my dinner in peace and quite. DD isn't quite ready for this. DS has good table manners but DS is still learning. We usually eat together Fri to Sun though. Plus if I start cooking properly at half 5/6 I think it would be to close to DD bedtime. However, this is sth that we will definitely consider in the near future

As a previous poster said, make sure you're getting OH to pull his weight with the chores. My DH won't do chores unless asked - not out of laziness - he just has a complete blind spot and somehow doesn't see what needs doing. I hated asking him at first as I didn't want to be a naggy wife, but he genuinely doesn't mind and I'm slowly getting more comfortable with delegating. Thank you for this comment, don't feel so bad now. Totally agree, he just doesn't see certain things or then makes silly comments like, the bin is a bit smelly. We'll I pointed out he could take it out then.

If you have any spare cash (unlikely I know with two young kids), consider having a cleaner, even if just once a fortnight. We have one because to us, both working FT, it's worth the cost to not have to spend half of Saturday cleaning the house. May or may not be an option financially though. Unfortunaley not, plus knowing me I would want to tidy, clean the house before the cleaner comes

Can you speak to DH about you taking turns to have a bit of alone time at weekends? Not every weekend, but say once a month one of you takes the kids for half a day and the other can see friends, do something outside the house they enjoy, etc. You mention that you used to get the odd weekend to yourself. If you're the sort who needs a bit of alone time to regenerate every now and then, it'll help if you can work it in somehow, even if it's not often. Will need to definitely work on that and then not spend it cleaning but rather sth I like doing like gardening. Hopefully next year DD will be old enough to play in the garden without being watched constantly (concrete steps and high wall etc) and I'll get more chance to do this with the kids

You could also look at finding a babysitter (if you can get a recommendation) and agree that once every couple of months say, you'll have the kids babysat so you can have a bit of time for just the two of you. Doesn't have to be often - but plan it in and stick to it so you have something to look forward to.

You also mention that you "just keep the kids entertained". What did you and OH do together before kids? For example, if you used to like going for walks then do that again and take the kids with you. While there will be a lot of doing 'kid' things that frankly aren't that interesting(!), you may be able to do adapted versions of some things you enjoy and get the kids into it too. Possibly not till they're slightly older - depends what it is.Often we do the big shop on the weekend, playpark, maybe a walk seeing friends with other kids. I guess it's just the lack of me time that I mean by just keeping the kids entertained although it sounds a bit selfish. I know it will get easier as they are older

Loads of lovely advice there and some even blindingly obvious. Sometime you just have to say things out loud and the answer becomes clear.....