Have I done the right thing?

Pollycat

I would get in touch and apologise but she really does need to understand that her life has changed - possibly through no fault of her own - and she may not have the finances to able to do what she used to do.

Would you be willing to help her out with the holiday?
I possibly would but not if she's spending money on nights out.
Lots of people have to save up to be able to go on holiday - and that often means staying in when you'd rather go out.

Is she good at budgeting?
If not, she needs help if she will accept it.
Is she getting all the benefits she is entitled to? And child maintenance?

missbiggles1

Could the people who are saying you should apologise just clarify what you're supposed to be apologising for?

You definitely need to talk but, if anybody needs to apologise, I would say that it's your daughter.

FBaby

You definitely need to talk but, if anybody needs to apologise, I would say that it's your daughter.

Very confused about this too. What does OP got to apologise for? What message is that giving to her daughter. That she can make demands to her mum, be rude when mum says no, but that's ok because mum will apolgise? Not getting it!

Pollycat

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Could the people who are saying you should apologise just clarify what you're supposed to be apologising for?

Sure.

concernedandbemused wrote: »

Tonight when I took the grandchildren home she was expecting me to have them stay at mine tomorrow night so she could go out. I explained I thought she should curb her social life because she was struggling at the moment and
especially because of the holiday.

She was very upset and said she should have a life of her own and I was told to leave which I did after trying to explain I was worried.

I am now even more worried. Should I leave this and wait for her to contact me or try to talk to her again in the morning?

If the OP really did say 'curb her social life', it would - I imagine - come across as quite harsh.
Perhaps a different approach would have borne more fruit. (or maybe not).
This is a grown woman criticising a grown woman - quite often a recipe for disaster.

I believe I've made it clear from the remainder of my post that I think the OP's daughter needs to get her act in order.
Telling her to 'curb' her social life was bound to get her daughter's back up and that's what I would - if in the OP's shoes - apologise for and hope that we could move on to sorting her finances out if she is willing to do so.

If she isn't, then all conversations sbout how she's skint would be off the agenda.

concernedandbemused

Thank you for the further replies.

Throughout these difficult times I aways do my best to avoid interferering or be critical and I realise from my own experience how important it is that she does not feel that her life is just work and her children.

I just want the best for her and my grandchildren.

missbiggles1

Pollycat wrote: »

Sure.


If the OP really did say 'curb her social life', it would - I imagine - come across as quite harsh.
Perhaps a different approach would have borne more fruit. (or maybe not).
This is a grown woman criticising a grown woman - quite often a recipe for disaster.

I believe I've made it clear from the remainder of my post that I think the OP's daughter needs to get her act in order.
Telling her to 'curb' her social life was bound to get her daughter's back up and that's what I would - if in the OP's shoes - apologise for and hope that we could move on to sorting her finances out if she is willing to do so.

If she isn't, then all conversations sbout how she's skint would be off the agenda.

I would say it's just a mother advising her daughter but thanks for your take on it.:)

jjj1980

My guess I come at this from a slightly distinct point of view, having been in the OP's granddaughter's AND daughter's positions.


When my dad was found out to have been cheating on my mum and she told him to leave, she (now admits to) felt like if he could go off and act however he wanted, then so could she! He didn't like her smoking as he had a lung condition but once he left, she would smoke in and around the house as much as she left like. She started going out with friends and her sisters every weekend and I was left with neighbours, other relatives and ended up feeling quite rejected and for a long time, it caused a rift between us. My mum now says she wished she had been less selfish after my dad left and not been so determined to have "her own life" back as she missed out on so much time we could have spent together.


When my ex-husband turned abusive then left me and our then weeks-old daughter, I felt exactly the opposite to how my mum had felt. Without the stress of him there, I got to enjoy every second spent with my daughter. Couldn't think of anything worse than leaving her whilst I went out for an evening. I have 1, maybe 2, evenings out a year with friends or work and whilst they have been fun, they pale in comparison to time spent with my daughter.


No matter how he was acting, how many times he went away/out, I felt it was nothing to do with me. I gave CSA the job of collecting child support, the solicitors the job of dealing with the divorce and CAB the job of unravelling the massive financial mess he caused without my knowledge. I saw it that I had a tiny baby totally reliant on me and got very stubborn that I was going to manage just fine without him lol. No one was ever going to be able to say I put anything first above her needs.


Don't get me wrong, I work whilst my daughter is in school and I like that work value me for me, but outside of work, my little girl is 100% my priority. Any holidays, nights/weekends away are only considered if they include her.


Sorry for waffling OP but I honestly don't think you have anything to apologise for. Had I have been of your daughter's mind set after my ex left, I would have wanted someone to remind me that my daughter, not socialising without her, should have been my priority. Especially when money is tight.


I hope the OP's daughter can eventually see that the OP was being honest, not harsh.

concernedandbemused

Perhaps I should clarify that I did not actually say she should curb her social life, I understand why that would be seen as harsh.

I told her I was worried about her spending money going out when she had told me she was struggling this month and was going on holiday next month.

pollypenny

Oh, dear. It sounds as if the OP is doing everything she can to support her daughter at this difficult time.

I'd say that if she can't afford the holiday, or at least worried about paying for it, she does need to curtail her going out.

If she is depending on her mum to help her, she also needs to listen to her advice.

Do the children not see their dad at weekends?

Pollycat

concernedandbemused wrote: »

Perhaps I should clarify that I did not actually say she should curb her social life, I understand why that would be seen as harsh.

I told her I was worried about her spending money going out when she had told me she was struggling this month and was going on holiday next month.

In that case I wouldn't apologise. I do tend to take what people write literally and 'curb your social life' sounded harsh.
But I would offer an olive branch.