Have I done the right thing?

concernedandbemused

I have only posted once on the forums with a credit card question but I read the threads on here often and see some good advice and reassurance given.

My daughter recently separated from her husband after some difficult months. I have tried to support her helping with my grandchildren and advising her on securing the best financial outcome for them.

At the beginning of the week she told me she was "skint" and I was really worried as she is going on a holiday next month (just her and a friend) which she admitted she cannot afford.

Tonight when I took the grandchildren home she was expecting me to have them stay at mine tomorrow night so she could go out. I explained I thought she should curb her social life because she was struggling at the moment and
especially because of the holiday.

She was very upset and said she should have a life of her own and I was told to leave which I did after trying to explain I was worried.

I am now even more worried. Should I leave this and wait for her to contact me or try to talk to her again in the morning?

summerspring

Is she using you as an unpaid babysitter, effectively?

I imagine there's a lot more to this, perhaps the errant husband has a social life so she doesn't see why she shouldn't have one. However she needs to know that if she's skint she can't go on holiday or down the pub.

I haven't had a holiday in years, - can't afford it.

Caroline_a

Unfortunately she can't have it both ways - if she spends her money on holidays and going out, then she may well struggle with her bills and day to day living. As Summerspring said, I also didn't have holidays for many years, and my parents weren't close enough to just dump the kids on when I wanted a night out.

You're being used.... see what happens if you say no as you're busy...

BrassicWoman

Mums and unsolicited opinions aren't always a great match - but if you suspect a request for a holiday loan is on the cards, you are as well to position that up front!

Mind you, me and my pal manage a thrifty night out for a fiver each at chain pubs having sausage and mash.. depends if she is being cheap or spending loads of cash on the lash....

Let her make first contact.

meritaten

you suspect you're being used - then you probably are. if you are 'skint' then you don't go out. especially if you are going on holiday.
BUT - she may have budgeted for this night out...........BUT - to tell you to leave for questioning this? that's OTT! sounds to me a bit strange, it may just be its all being put on credit and she feels you would disapprove.

Person_one

Call her tomorrow and apologise. Say you didn't mean to interfere or judge her and that if she's ever struggling or in trouble you hope she'll feel able to come to you to talk about it/for your support. Hopefully she'll apologise in return for biting your head off.

'Skint' can mean a lot of things, from unable to pay the bills to being down to your last hundred quid before you get paid in a few days. From drowning in debt to only being able to afford one holiday this year. Do you actually know which applies to your daughter at the moment? Has she ever got in financial trouble before or has she always managed her money as an adult without needing your input?

If you don't wish to babysit, or think she's taking your time for granted that's a totally different issue and can be approached separately.

Alikay

I think I'd stress that I didn't mind the babysitting at all, and was pleased my DD was spending time with her friends, but that she really had to cut her coat according to cloth. I'd suggest that having her friend over to watch a DVD this weekend is a more appropriate social activity given that she's skint and still has a holiday to pay for.

I think lots of people (including me, 30+ years ago:o) revert to "teenage" behaviour and some rejection of responsibility when a long-term relationship ends, but obviously it's not a great thing to do when there are kids involved and bills to pay. I'd reassure her that you love her and that things will settle down, and she'll get used to her new life. Maybe also encourage her to spend time with some friends who also have responsibilities rather than party animals whose lives are at a different stage to hers?

concernedandbemused

Thank you for your replies. I have always happily looked after my grandchildren and they love to spend time with me which is my reward. I think I am inclined to go with Alikay's advice as she has picked up on the situation I find myself in.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

After several years of not being allowed out - and to be told, as a mother, that 'I had no business being off gallivanting around' when I dropped into a friend's house at lunchtime with the kids, followed by an absolute refusal to ever look after the youngest so I could do such shocking things as go to a PTA meeting or take a course, again on the basis that my place was in the home - whilst the person saying it was out all the time after he left (and frequently on the rare occasions he had her, he'd just turn up to drop her back off hours earlier because he'd decided he had something better to do, which was usually going out) - to be told by somebody else that I shouldn't go out, would have met with a fairly disproportionate reaction.

It may be that she's unintentionally taking it out on you because her ex is refusing to step up or is attempting to sabotage her attempts to get a life. And if he's fannying about with maintenance as well, not paying it on time if at all, making deductions for feeding the kids once a week, etc, that makes it more likely for her to be skint when she had made the best plans she could.


Just seeing people with kids and only ever with kids in tow is not what life should be about, IMO - you're a person before you give birth and you're still a person afterwards; I would never be one of those people who only see themselves as somebody's mum, as it's a part of me, but not all there is to me, just as I'm more than just my OH's partner.


Tread lightly, I don't disagree with you, but I can understand why she may have reacted so strongly to what she could have felt was just more criticism.

FBaby

Tonight when I took the grandchildren home she was expecting me to have them stay at mine tomorrow night so she could go out

How did this 'expectation' come about? Did you discuss it? What is a misunderstanding or did she just take it for granted that you would without asking first?

My advice is not to get involved in her life. You probably don't know half of what has happened in her marriage and what has led to the situation she is in. She is a responsible parent now and it is up to her to take control of her situation. I would suggest you make it clear what the rules are about you having the children over, ie, how often, that she has to give you x notice, and that she has to accept that you might at times say no. Say that you'll be there for her to give her advice, but that you will not be there to pick up the pieces of her mistakes.

Be kind and firm. I certainly wouldn't call to apologise (unless you did make a promise about babysitting and then forgot), but instead contact her and suggest you discuss the above.

FBaby

I would never be one of those people who only see themselves as somebody's mum, as it's a part of me, but not all there is to me, just as I'm more than just my OH's partner.

I agree with that, but you also to bear your responsibilities, and that towards your children come first. I was nothing more than a overworked employee and mum for over 7 years of my life. Going out without the children was an exceptional treat. I never considered that it was my right to have a life outside of work and being a mum, let alone expect others to accommodate me so that I could.