Have I done the right thing?

jetplane

Oh Ive been there, done that and made all the wrong comments that meant well but sounded like criticism, where my daughter felt age 17 again.

We sat down and had an open discussion where I said that this was a time of adjustment for me too as she was depending on me more due to the fact that her ex wasn't helping out. She explained how lonely and afraid she felt and that her role had changed to full time mother, father, bread winner and housekeeper.

We agreed that she would have time on her own and with her friends when we had her child, we could rearrange with notice. I would be there to support her but not to be taken for granted. It sounds quite cold but it was actually a heartfelt conversation which included concerns about her managing financially and emotionally.

There were times when I did not agree with her choices and was worried she was heading for problems and bit my tongue, ultimately the morals and values she grew up with saw her through a difficult time. I have no problem helping family and do not conclude that it's their life, their mess. My own mother must have watched me stumble and fall hundreds of times, then picked me up and kissed me better, I just didn't realise it at the time.

Last night you may have been the last person in a long day to say something that sent your daughter in to overdrive and she overreacted. The only question I would have is would you usually have your grandchildren on the night in question, so was it fair for your daughter to expect to be free to make her own arrangements, whether she can afford to or not? Or was she assuming that she could make an arrangement and you would just fit in around her. I think there is a relevant difference.

Either way I would ring her as normal, we can't say the right thing every time.

Lunar_Eclipse

I would put it behind you and carry on one day at a time. If you want to, call and check how she's feeling today.

I imagine this is the most emotional and stressful time in your daughter's life, and she will be struggling with 101 things and potentially feel all over the place and completely out of sorts. I also imagine she won't be telling you half of her horrible reality. She might feel like a complete failure, sad, angry, lost, scared etc.

My advice is to be there and support her as much as you can and feel comfortable with, mainly so you sleep well at night.

maman

Pollycat wrote: »

In that case I wouldn't apologise. I do tend to take what people write literally and 'curb your social life' sounded harsh.
But I would offer an olive branch.

I would too but maybe tomorrow?;)


I'm sure your daughter will realise she's 'cutting off her nose to spite her face' and I'd hope she comes round to make peace with you OP.


What I wouldn't do is be so determined to smooth things over that you become a doormat. So you need to talk but make it clear that while you'll help out with some babysitting when you can she has to act responsibly. It's not responsible to spend money she hasn't got and then complain about being skint.

KxMx

concernedandbemused wrote: »

Thank you for the further replies.

Throughout these difficult times I aways do my best to avoid interferering or be critical and I realise from my own experience how important it is that she does not feel that her life is just work and her children.

I just want the best for her and my grandchildren.

I would like to say (and it's kindly meant) what we view as best for other people is just an opinion and not necessarily always right.

There was an issue with my brother and I was so worried for him for ages, because I viewed what he was doing as wrong for him, and I eventually realised it was ME who was wrong because he was totally happy in a situation i'd be unhappy in, and I was probably projecting or something.

:cool:

nearlyrich

It is quite hard to have a life when a relationship ends and you are left with 99% of the childcare, responsibility to pay the bills and keep a roof over their heads. I was in the same position when my two were very small and I can remember my dad having a dig about how I was working too many hours and never seeing the children. I can remember jumping down his throat asking if he had said the same to my brother who had children the same age ( but he had a stay at home wife) fortunately I realised he was only saying it because he was worried about me and he realised I would have preferred to be at home with my children. I hope this is just one of these things that passes and it doesn't affect the long term relationship.

concernedandbemused

Thanks again for all the replies, I am grateful for all the advice.

pollypenny

KxMx wrote: »

I would like to say (and it's kindly meant) what we view as best for other people is just an opinion and not necessarily always right.

There was an issue with my brother and I was so worried for him for ages, because I viewed what he was doing as wrong for him, and I eventually realised it was ME who was wrong because he was totally happy in a situation i'd be unhappy in, and I was probably projecting or something.

:cool:

I partially agree with you. However, this can vary according to involvement. It seems as if the OP is helping the daughter financially, too. it's important that she is not taken advantage of. Maybe she has a right to query the level of spending in that case.

KARO

concernedandbemused wrote: »

Perhaps I should clarify that I did not actually say she should curb her social life, I understand why that would be seen as harsh.

I told her I was worried about her spending money going out when she had told me she was struggling this month and was going on holiday next month.

It's evidently hit a raw nerve. Who on earth tells their own mother to get out of their house?! I would be expecting an apology from her, and no more free babysitting until one is forthcoming! She will come down to earth with a bump once she actually has to pay the going rate for getting a babysitter in.

CathA

I think the main thing is, no matter how old they are, kids don't like hearing sense from their parents!! Been there, done that, had the arguments, though it doesn't stop me pointing out that sometimes mum does know what she's talking about. My daughter didn't listen when I gently suggested not giving up her rented flat before completion on the house she was buying, yes you guessed it-the sale fell through at the last minute so she was homeless. Didn't listen when she went back out for the 3rd time with the idiot boyfriend (commonly known as knob head!) but luckily saw sense this time and gave him the boot.
These are a few examples, but really, weren't we the same when we were younger? Your daughter knows that it's a bit silly to go out when she's skint but doesn't want/need her mum to tell her she's being silly, I'm sure she knows!! As to the holiday, perhaps she had booked it a while ago whilst still with her hubby?
I would either ring her to have a chat and see if she mentions it, or perhaps go round with a little basket of treats for her and the kiddies, perhaps something that they like but she can't afford? She'll probably burst into tears and say she was sorry and thanks for being a caring mum and grandma. You said what you did with the best of intentions and shouldn't beat yourself up over it. I would have done the same! Good luck x

FBaby

You still haven't specify how the confusing about babysitting came about and why she assumed you would look after your grand-children when from your perspective, no such plan had been made?