advice welcome

ognum

jjww wrote: »

Well that went better than I thought, me and oh discussed rules and expectations beforehand, wrote them down, sat them both down and went through them, told them both that now was opportunity to speak up If there was anything they weren't happy about, said if they break rules three times then they will find bag packed and an envelope with a months rent for a room in a shared house. I told them before hand it wasn't going to be an argument or a discussion it was me telling them what the rules are and giving them two options follow them and all live together or break them and give it a shot on their own. Lets see if it works*fingers crossed*

Managing three businesses youd think I would be used to having to lay law down but its different when emotions are involved

First I would like to say well done for starting the process.

Now I am going to say what others will probably disagree with. This young lady is hurting very badly inside, she really doesn't understand herself or how she has got where she is.

She needs a firm hand but also a lot of love and support. She is searching for love and finding sex. She really does need some professional help, that will be difficult as it needs to be a special person who can develop the right relationship with her.

At what age did her parents separate? That is the age she is behaving, she is back where the hurt began and she needs guidance to move forward.

Of course her parents don't want to feel guilty, this is not about guilt it's about helping this young girl move forward. It won't only be done with rules.

Pollycat

jjww wrote: »

Well that went better than I thought, me and oh discussed rules and expectations beforehand, wrote them down, sat them both down and went through them, told them both that now was opportunity to speak up If there was anything they weren't happy about, said if they break rules three times then they will find bag packed and an envelope with a months rent for a room in a shared house. I told them before hand it wasn't going to be an argument or a discussion it was me telling them what the rules are and giving them two options follow them and all live together or break them and give it a shot on their own. Lets see if it works*fingers crossed*

Managing three businesses youd think I would be used to having to lay law down but its different when emotions are involved

Well done.

Now you just need to stick to what you've said and the first time they break your rules, don't just let it slide - reiterate your warning.

Good luck.

jjww_2

Thank you everyone, I am resolute that I am going to stand firm. She went out last night and came back at a decent time, left her room tidy and was organised for work this morning. I agree with the many posters who have said that such a disrupted childhood has played havoc with emotions and that she is looking for love and finding sex I have discussed this with her many times, told her not to give it away so easily because she is worth more than that and if someone has real feelings about her they would be happy to wait but it doesn't seem to get through, so everytime her heart is broken over a man shes known for a few days I tell her the same thing, she leaves for work early so I text her this morning saying thanks for tidying your room, I love you. Positive reinforcements? Hopefully this will work as she really needs some stability in her life just not at expense of everyone else in family.

paddy's_mum

She's clever, isn't she?

Employee of the month but a she-devil at home tells you that she is a manipulator of quite some skill.

There is, however, one fly in her ointment...you can't manipulate anyone if they refuse to be manipulated and there lies your salvation.

I'd also ask if anyone has actually told her to her face that her conduct is making her father ill. It's all very well repeatedly demonstrating your love for her but does she love him enough to change her cruel and damaging behaviour?

Good luck.

kelpie35

That was a very nice thing you did by sending her a text.

I hope for everyone's sake that all these issues can be sorted very quickly.

jjww_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

She's clever, isn't she?

Employee of the month but a she-devil at home tells you that she is a manipulator of quite some skill.

There is, however, one fly in her ointment...you can't manipulate anyone if they refuse to be manipulated and there lies your salvation.

I'd also ask if anyone has actually told her to her face that her conduct is making her father ill. It's all very well repeatedly demonstrating your love for her but does she love him enough to change her cruel and damaging behaviour?

Good luck.

She can be quite manipulating, I had a friend of hers mam contact me a few months ago to ask me why I treat her so badly, she had told them that I was awful to her her life at home was terrible and I was an awful parent, that really hurt me as anyone who knows me will say I bent over backwards to welcome her into the family and into the home, I used to take her places and do stuff with her although that has tailed off because I find it a struggle to communicate with her without her making a scene, I helped her apply for jobs, i asked her about what she had been saying to this lads parents and she just denied it, but i could see it written all over her face that she had said it, i let it go because i didn't want an argument although her dad did tell her not to go round lying to people about me anymore.

I told her last night that her dad is ill, that he is on the verge of a full blown breakdown and its effecting him badly, in the last 7 months he has developed a bad back, had treatment for months nothing obviously wrong i think its a symptom of his mental health, he worries about illnesses and diseases all of the time, he has never done that before, he has always suffered from ocd but it is worse than ever convinced that something bad will happen if he doesn't do things a certain way, he started eating really badly and drinking more than usual and when asked why said it was so he would see if he put weight on because if he did it would mean he didn't have any really bad illnesses, doctors have asked him to go to counselling but he doesn't think it would help ☹ hopefully just getting a calm stress free home back will help.

paddy's_mum

The more you say, the more it becomes clear that it is YOU that needs support and help!

Please look after yourself, in whatever way achieves the most, and if that means she leaves, then so be it.

You cannot support anyone in anything if you burn out or become ill.

I have no practical advice that others haven't already given but I wish all of you well.