advice welcome

Topcat1982

She's 20. Time to move out.

Mojisola

TBagpuss wrote: »

While I understand your worries for her safety I think the not telling you if she is coming home is one you may have to let go. If she were living independently you wouldn't know if, or when, she got home.

If she was living in her own place, she would be doing all her own housework/shopping/cooking/washing/etc and it would be costing her a lot more than living at home.

When you live with other people, you have to make compromises. If she's being asked to send a text to let her Dad and SM know an approximate time when she'll be home or that she won't be home that night, it's not much to ask for all the other benefits she's getting.

jjww_2

TBagpuss wrote: »

PS - do you tell her when you will be back of you go out for an evening?

.

If we go out which is very rare she kicks off that we have went out without her, if we go for a meal she huffs because we haven't invited her, I have stopped going anywhere in public with her as she always causes a scene and its embarrassing.

Dark_elf

This is an easy one. She is 21 and working. She can rent a room in a shared house close to her job. The end.

The only problem is that she might scream and shout you are favouring the other child if he still lives at home. You can make it clear that her behaviour [shouting; staying out with no warning etc.] have made it impossible to have her there.

Do not even bother about getting her to pay rent. She obviously does not care and would see it as if her couple of hundred pounds or whatever were a licence to do whatever she likes.

Caroline_a

Your house, your rules. I would make a list of rules and go through them with all members of the household together. They should, of course, be reasonable - if she wishes to stay out all night, she should at least drop you a text. However, conversely, if she wishes to have this risque lifestyle, you cannot tell her she can't, as she is an adult, and horrible though it may be, that is her choice.

Stop paying for anything for her - she has a job, let her pay for it. Tell her that she will need to start paying board as of x date, if not you will expect her to be moved out by y date.

Stop doing anything around the house for her - washing, ironing, cooking etc. You are being used.

Maintain a united front with your husband and do not give in - I get the feeling that you have given in in the past for an easy life - now is your time to be tough!

jjww_2

I think asking her to leave will either do one of two things fix the relationship because we dont have to live together or break it completely in which case I would be devastated for her dad as he spent so long trying to get back in contact with her (whilst she was growing up her mam moved around the country constantly with whatever boyfriend she had at the time) and we would pay private investigators to find her and she would up and move again, so between age of 6 and 17 we had no contact at all

Pollycat

jjww wrote: »

i am on the verge of asking her to leave...sorry its so long a post if anyone wants anymore info just ask...what would any of you do to try to regain control of situation?
Thanks

Don't be 'on the verge'.

Tell her - don't shout and you need full participation of your OH - her Father - that if she doesn't start paying rent, stop being rude & disrespectful, start doing stuff around the house, she will have to move out.
Give her a deadline and tell her if she doesn't change, she will find her stuff on the doorstep and the locks changed.

It sounds to me that you have both spolit her and are reaping the 'rewards' of doing so.

As long as you allow her to continue this behaviour, there is no incentive for her to stop.

Reggie_Rebel

She sounds like a bit of a spoilt brat.

Charge her 20% of her earnings as board.
Get a bolt on the front door that gets pushed across at a sensible hour
Don't go into her room
Don't do any washing unless she leaves it a designated place
Pay for nothing for her

kelpie35

You are the parents.

She lives under your rule or moves out.

She is not a child now, don't say it will be easy, but if you want to be in control of your life, I see no other way than asking ot telling her to move out.

Your OH is being made ill by her actions, ask him if it is worth it?

You and your OH are not doing her any favours by allowing her to treat you the way she is doing.

jjww_2

I have told everyone I want a family meeting at 7pm tonight so I can set out house rules and expectations, will update to let you know what happens. Thanks everyone ��