advice welcome

pinkshoes

I would create a written set of house rules, stating clearly what is expected of her.

- she should be paying rent of some sort. Look up the going rate for a room, and make sure the rate you offer is affordable but fair.

- she needs to do chores, or can contribute £10 a week for a cleaner.

- stop giving her things just to stop her screaming and shouting. As per rules for a toddler , only those who ask nicely get what they want!

If she cannot stick by the rules, then make the consequences VERY clear, including asking her to leave.

Pollycat

jjww wrote: »

I have told everyone I want a family meeting at 7pm tonight so I can set out house rules and expectations, will update to let you know what happens. Thanks everyone ��

I hope you and your husband are going to stand together so that it is clear that this is a joint decision.
Otherwise it's highly unlikely that anyone will take any notice and you'll just come across as the 'nasty one'.

Dark_elf

jjww wrote: »

I think asking her to leave will either do one of two things fix the relationship because we dont have to live together or break it completely in which case I would be devastated for her dad as he spent so long trying to get back in contact with her (whilst she was growing up her mam moved around the country constantly with whatever boyfriend she had at the time) and we would pay private investigators to find her and she would up and move again, so between age of 6 and 17 we had no contact at all

I think this has muddied the water. Obviously OH feels guilty about not having been in her life and the lack of a stable father figure has also made some impact. If she has been poorly brought up it will not be easy for her to learn self control.

I previously suggested that you just get her to leave. In light of the above maybe try the following.

As other posters have said -
1. set out a list of house rules e.g. no shouting, each person does their own laundry, cook once a week, if you eat a meal cooked by someone else wash up on Wednesdays and Thursdays, If you are upset talk but no raised voices, swearing or rude language. If you are staying out all night send a text by 11pm before we go to bed, so that we do not stay awake worrying.
2. Pay x amount per week - into x account by x day - (this will keep track of payments better than cash
3. If you break the rules above these are the consequences. you will get x number of warnings. then you will be given 30 days notice to find a new place.

Make sure you direct this at both children.

Also your husband should take the lead on this as it is his biological child and you will take the role of evil step mother.

Use the rent she pays on family therapy to address her obvious issues. I know when she previously did therapy she failed to engage but it may be different this time around.

Stay strong.

Topcat1982

jjww wrote: »

If we go out which is very rare she kicks off that we have went out without her, if we go for a meal she huffs because we haven't invited her.

Do you mean you take the other children or just you and husband?

BigAunty

She sounds really unbalanced, obviously no-one on here can tell you whether it is mental health issues, behavioural or personality or mix of all.

I think you need a Plan B for when the rules and expectations discussed at the family meeting are not met.

I'm assuming from the experiences you've outlined that she'll simply sabotage the meeting in some way, perhaps either by not turning up or being hysterical if she does. Professionals with extraordinary patience and empathy - counsellors and driving instructions - can't manage her.

Plan B (if Plan A discussed tonight breaks down after implementation or if she ruins the meeting) could involve things for example, such as being given written notice to leave the property in 2 weeks so she can take it to her local council homelessness team, telling her that you are changing the locks and putting all her belongings into storage on that date.

In England,there is very little many councils do for single people facing homelessness without disabilities or dependents but they may give her advice about how to secure private accommodation, perhaps offer emergency interim accommodation. Encourage her to book an appointment with them.

I have seen a few TV documentaries about how social housing allocation and homelessness work - the staff are used to people having screaming fits, do not tolerate abuse and are not influenced by histrionics in the slightest - applicants regularly feign collapses, attack them and threaten suicide - and they don't budge an inch.

You could also do this in conjunction with offering her the first months rent and deposit on a shared property. I'm assuming that she doesn't manage her money well despite working and having no major outgoings so you may have to effectively bribe her out so she can't say she's not got the funds to go. Make sure you pay the landlord the sum directly and don't become a guarantor for the rent, plus you cap it at a reasonable sum based on local market rent.

When x date of the notice you've served lapses, and if she hasn't moved out, you have to change the locks and call the Police if she tries to break in or becomes violent. She has no more legal status than a guest in your house.

Pack a suitcase full of essentials so you can either hand them over or leave them on the porch. Let her know you will put the remainder of her belongings into storage, paying a month's fee upfront on the expectation that she will remove them when it lapses or pay the storage company to continue.

Does this sound a tad harsh?

Let her know that you love her and you are happy to meet up.

onomatopoeia99

To continue living with you it seems her behaviour to the rest of the family needs to improve drastically, she needs to pull her weight at home and she needs to stop acting like a spoiled child, BUT also you need to acknowledge that she is 20, not 12, and that it's none of your business where she is on her own time as long as the chores are done, or who she has sex with, as long as she doesn't bring them to your house to do it.

Consider how it would be if she moved out - she'd be able to keep her own hours and you'd have no idea about her sex life, would you lie awake every night wondering who she was with or if she was at her home or not? You have to let go at some point, a parent or step-parent can't try to micromanage the life of a child in their 20s, at least not if they still want to have some kind of relationship with that child. Parents don't tend to see it, but there is a very grave risk of pushing the child away permanently by being too overbearing and controlling.

I'd suggest that from reading the whole topic to date some compromise is needed on both sides, but if she doesn't improve her attitude, ultimately she needs to be shown the door.

jjww_2

Topcat1982 wrote: »

Do you mean you take the other children or just you and husband?

No just mw and husband, or friends, or work colleagues. She take massive offence if we wont allow her to go.

jjww_2

Well that went better than I thought, me and oh discussed rules and expectations beforehand, wrote them down, sat them both down and went through them, told them both that now was opportunity to speak up If there was anything they weren't happy about, said if they break rules three times then they will find bag packed and an envelope with a months rent for a room in a shared house. I told them before hand it wasn't going to be an argument or a discussion it was me telling them what the rules are and giving them two options follow them and all live together or break them and give it a shot on their own. Lets see if it works*fingers crossed*

Managing three businesses youd think I would be used to having to lay law down but its different when emotions are involved

Primrose

Totally unacceptable behaviour in my view.

1. Get some empty csrdboard boxes ready.
2. Write down a list of behaviours which have to change permanently.
3. Sit her down quietly and tell her you have had enough. If her behaviour doesnt change wih immediate effect, point her to the cardboxes snd tell her that her things will be packed and left out on the doorstep . Tell her that you are both at breaking point and these terms are final and non negotiable.
4. If she won't agree, tell her to start packing, ring up and book a local hotel for her for the night and call a taxi. And ask her to hand baxk her house key.

No "ifs". . No "buts" Sounds tough love but it seems it's the only message she will understand. You cannot allow her to wrexk yiur heslth in this way. And this advice comes from somebody who has been held to ransom by a family member in a not dissimilar way. Good luck!

barbiedoll

Yeah, if she's winning "employee of the month" at work, then she's perfectly capable of behaving normally so it's clearly not a mental health issue as such.

She's had a chaotic lifestyle with her mother by the sound of things so she's now pushing the boundaries with you and your OH, just to see how far she can go before you get rid of her. Laying down clear rules is a good idea, but you must stick by them, if you let her get away with bad behaviour, it just reinforces her view that you don't really care about her. Just like small children (and dogs!) she needs to know that you love her and aren't going to abandon her so you need to be absolutely firm about what is acceptable and what isn't.

Showering her with gifts and cash means nothing. Anyone can pay for a pony or driving lessons, it doesn't equate to love, although many of us mistakenly think so. She really, really needs to know that someone loves her and cares about her, why else do you think that she sleeps around?

That doesn't mean that she should be allowed to have tantrums or to spoil your social outings. And she should certainly be contributing to the household, both in terms of money and chores.

Maybe try a slightly different approach to the staying out all night. Instead of expecting her to call or text when she's out having meaningless sex with some random off the internet, you could text her something like..."We're off to bed now, hope you're ok, see you later. Night night xx".....She may just realise that her family are thinking of her, and that she doesn't have to reach out too far to find someone that loves her.

I wish you well, I know it's often difficult with step-children, I've been there myself.