advice welcome

jjww_2

Hi,

My adult stepchild (20 and working fulltime) lives at home with me and their dad, they moved in after complete breakdown of the relationship with their mam 2 years ago, I'm now at wits end and husband is on verge of a nervous breakdown...any advice is welcome.

She is rude and disrespectful, distant, meets strangers of internet for sex basically, despite us repeatedly telling her how dangerous it is, she has responsibilities that she ignores in order to date different men, stays out all night without letting us know, does zero around house, does not pay board or any bills, we have tried talking, shouting, insisting that she lets us know where she is and nothing works, she does go to work which I am pleased about and does work hard but sometimes she I going in unwashed clothes because she has slept out night before. She is extremely jealous of younger half sibling (17). When she turned 18 we offered to buy a car she said no and wanted a horse instead when son turned 17 we bought him a car, so suddenly she wanted to learn to drive and a car bought for her, she kicked off until her dad agreed and we have paid for 30hrs sort of driving lessons because she kicks off and argues that we treat son better than her, I have just decorated her bedroom as a surprise and "its disgusting" makes me so angry because she lived in a hovel with her real mam.

She is rude and obnoxious driving instructor rang me last night to say she shouts and screams at him refuses to try to drive and just wants him to drive her around so I have cancelled the lessons...why should I pay for her not to even try 😠

Hubby is on verge of a breakdown he lies awake at night waiting for her to come home and she stays out all night, he has asked her to text and let him know if shes staying out and she says she will then doesn't. Nothing ever seems good enough or right for her, he is so depressed and upset all the time, we run three businesses and life is pretty stressful at the best of times, son barely speaks to her because he says she acts disgracefully, there is always an argument when she is home....i am on the verge of asking her to leave...sorry its so long a post if anyone wants anymore info just ask...what would any of you do to try to regain control of situation?

Thanks

BJV

Cruel to be kind. I think in some ways you are giving her everything and she is giving you nothing back. By nothing I don't mean the money for board or help with bills although that would be a good idea. I mean no respect, no thanks.


I hope that I never find out what it is like to live like this but clearly it can not go on if it is effecting your and your families health.


For my two pennies worth I would calmly sit her down with your OH and explain enough is enough. No shouting, no screaming just calm cool and collected. You can not help anyone, run any business if you are unwell yourself.


She sounds as though she has "issues" and depression / mental health can display itself in lots of ways so it may be worth speaking to your doctor who may be able to help.


She also sounds like a bit of a spoilt brat so I would start to reign the spending in and try to show her that good behaviour is rewarded. I know that it is easy for me to say but stay strong and remember that people can only hurt you if you let them.

jjww_2

She had counselling a few years ago for depression and if I'm perfectly honest I think a lot of it was to avoid having to take responsibility for her own actions, after about 6 months the counsellor signed her off because she refused to discuss anything, she is also a bit of a liar and makes up a lot of stories, I know she needs help to fix the self esteem issues that must be there to cause the sleeping around but if she wont recognise it as a problem? I agree about spending and that is stopping as of now, I feel guilty though as she does not have anyone else other than me and her dad and worry that if we are cruel to be kind and stop letting her walk all over us will it make issues worse for her ☹

Mojisola

jjww wrote: »

I feel guilty though as she does not have anyone else other than me and her dad and worry that if we are cruel to be kind and stop letting her walk all over us will it make issues worse for her

Isn't that her own fault?

I couldn't have someone who behaves like that living in the house.

If she holding down a job, she presumably behaves well at work.

markdebby

As she is an adult you can't tell her when to come home. I would assume every nite that she was not coming home.
Maybe play soft music so you don't hear her if she does and break the habit of listening for her.
Try to ignore her ways and not shout etc because her bad behaviour is getting a response from u both and that is what she is looking for.

jjww_2

Your right it is her fault, it is so draining having constant tension and drama every day and arguments constantly, I'm not an arguer I don't shout or scream but I am usually quite good at putting foot down but with her it seems no matter how I try to do it nothing works ☹ I have decided I'm going to speak to her on my own as I cant be baited to argue and set the rules out and how we expect her to behave and if she cant or wont live within our rules she will have to find somewhere else to live, I cant sacrifice our whole family life for one person.

jjww_2

Markdebby your right and in usual circumstances I probably wouldn't be as concerned if she came home or not but when she is meeting strangers off the internet who she doesn't know and going in their cars and to their houses, that is the worrying part.

Mojisila yes regularly gets employee of the month etc.so she can do it when she wants to

TBagpuss

Her behaviour is not acceptable.

I think you and her dad need to sit down with her. Try to do so at a time when she is at her best - so if you possibly can, not when she has just come in after a night on the tiles.

Be clear that you are worried about her and want to heklp her, but also that her current behaviour is not acceptable.

Let her know that you will be laying down some ground rules. Discuss with your husband in advance what these will be. For instance, keeping her own room clean and tidy and doing her own laundry, paying at least a token amount towards the bills, helping around the house (it might work best to have 2 or three specific jobs and offer her the choice of which she wishes to take on.

Given her jealousy of her brother have the same conversation with him and make sure that he is being expected to do at least as much as she is - if he is still in education and not working then you can explain that you don't expect him to contribute financially, just as you didn't (presumably) expect her to when she was not working.

Explain to her that ou want to supot her and that you are willign to listen to anything she has to say, and to discuss with her any issues she has, and support her if she feels that further couselling is appropriate, but that if she is not willing to meet you half way then you may have to take further steps including turfing her out.

It might be useful to do some research and find out what it would cost her to move into a room in a shared house. Also look at your own household bills and outgoings and be prepared to share them with her so she can see what it costs to run the house and that asking herto contribute is not unreasonable.

I think it would also be sensible to ask her what she feels are reasonable 'house rules' - at 20, although it is considerate to let you know whether or not she expects to be back home, and it has benefits from a safety point of view, it may feel to her as though you are trying to control her or to criticise her lifestyle. It might help to emphasise to her that it is up to her where she goes and what she does, but that for your peace of mind, and her safety, you would like to know whether she plans to be home. You could perhaps ask her to suggest other options (for instance, looking at it from a safety perspective perhaps you could get a cheap PAYG phone and have an agreement that she will send a text saying who she is meeting and when she expects to be home, but that you won't read the texts unless she does not show up in the morning, so that you are only doing so for safety reasons.

It may be that by explictily asking her preferenace and offering her various options she will be more open to csnidering your point of view.

If she won't, then for your own sakes and that of your step son you may have to consider whether it is practical for her to continue to live with you.

if she were to move out, would it be possible / would you and your husband be willing to offer to give her some financial support in the short term, to ease the transition of leaving home?

Given her behaviour, you and your husband might also consider whether speaking to a family counsellor or therapist, with or without her, might be useful to help you get another perspective on how to respond to her behaviour.

It does sound as though she has issues and could use some professional help and support but you cannot force her to get it

TBagpuss

PS - do you tell her when you will be back of you go out for an evening?

While I understand your worries for her safety I think the not telling you if she is coming home is one you may have to let go. If she were living independently you wouldn't know if, or when, she got home.

I do appreciate how hard it is to sit there worrying, and if your daughter were more reasonable you would probably be able to explain to her that you can't stop worrying just because she is over 18, but as she is not, i think you need to grit your teeth and accept that she won't always tell you.

jjww_2

Thanks TBagpuss the advice about the payg phone sounds like a good idea, as does the shared house costing, its been helpful just to have other peoples ideas and inputs as I feel like I have unburdened myself a bit lol ��

lee111s

Giver her a week to change her attitude, start taking board off her from her next paycheque. If she doesn't like it, she can find an alternative place to live.