Financially helping MIL

HurricaneHeart

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

His sister is a joke. Yes, you are enabling her but so is her mum.

If this were a thread from the mum talking about her daughter some people would say get rid.

Stop sending money. It's absolutely not your responsibility to.

Send clothes if you so wish but the sister should be ashamed.

In a heated discussion one day, my OH told his mum to take custody of the children since she is paying for them anyway and kick his sister out. But it's so hard for a mother to do that to her own child? His sister uses drugs (and has stolen things from the mum to fund her habit) but apparently has been clean for a while now. I didn't mention this before cos I didn't want a skewed response cos I know sometimes ppl see the word drugs and think the worse. But the more I think about this. The more it;s relevant to the situation.

She really should be ashamed of herself. If we had the money and the space, we would take her children in. We;ve spoken about it, and at one point my OH wanted to take them back to the UK with us!!

Primrose

Remember the old saying "give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life"

I haven't read through all the replies yet but I think you and your husband now have to start helping his family to learn how to fish!

It won't be easy but you have to try and break this culture of dependency. There must be some things they can do to earn money. It's just easier for them to ask rather than taking some responsibility for themselves. Your husband had to do it. I'm not saying let them starve but perhaps he needs to start toughening them up and reminding them that he has other responsibilities now and start asking more probing questions when he writes to them regularly asking what steps they are taking to be more pro-active to becoming self sufficient financially.

ViolaLass

Might this help?

Your OH could tell his sister/mum that you have banned him from sending any more money and have taken his cards/accounts away or whatever.

Of course, you don't actually have to do this, but it gives him an excuse for saying no and means that he can 'blame' it on someone else.

TopQuark

Hello OP,

Can I ask if your OH and his family are from another first world country, or are they from a developing country?

bossymoo

I'd be tempted to tell him to ring them, tell them you've fallen on hard times and ask if they can help you out! Gently remind them of the times you've helped them out and wondered if they had any spare for your boiler / electrics /roof etc.

Might just set the scene that there is no spare funds here for them

HurricaneHeart

Primrose wrote: »

Remember the old saying "give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life"

I haven't read through all the replies yet but I think you and your husband now have to start helping his family to learn how to fish!

It won't be easy but you have to try and break this culture of dependency. There must be some things they can do to earn money. It's just easier for them to ask rather than taking some responsibility for themselves. Your husband had to do it. I'm not saying let them starve but perhaps he needs to start toughening them up and reminding them that he has other responsibilities now and start asking more probing questions when he writes to them regularly asking what steps they are taking to be more pro-active to becoming self sufficient financially.

That really makes sense to do this. I set up a budget for his mum last time I saw her, she emailed me all her expenses and debt, we consolidated her loan and worked out affordable repayments. But 2 years down the line she seems to be in a worse position! Whenever he tries to help her and tells her she needs to try get a better paid job or his sister needs a job. She gets very defensive and gets upset. She said she tells his sister all the time to get a job but she just doesnt listen. And she says its not easy when she isnt earning much to be able to afford everything.

HurricaneHeart

ViolaLass wrote: »

Might this help?

Your OH could tell his sister/mum that you have banned him from sending any more money and have taken his cards/accounts away or whatever.

Of course, you don't actually have to do this, but it gives him an excuse for saying no and means that he can 'blame' it on someone else.

Yeah I think I might tell him to do this. Though I'm sure his mum probably feels I hold the purse strings anyway!

HurricaneHeart

TopQuark wrote: »

Hello OP,

Can I ask if your OH and his family are from another first world country, or are they from a developing country?

They are from a developing country - although they live in the capital city. There is a lot of rich people, and a heck of a lot of poor ppl. They rent a 2 bedroom place, mum drives a run down car, the only time they go abroad is when we pay for them, they dont own much in terms of electronics and they seem to live a simple life. But they are always broke (even though they can afford cigarettes and hair dressers). It's not the same way of life as it is in the UK, I understand it must be tough in there economic climate - but there doesnt seem to be any desire to motivation to better themselves or their earning power. Maybe I'm too harsh here.

HurricaneHeart

bossymoo wrote: »

I'd be tempted to tell him to ring them, tell them you've fallen on hard times and ask if they can help you out! Gently remind them of the times you've helped them out and wondered if they had any spare for your boiler / electrics /roof etc.

Might just set the scene that there is no spare funds here for them

Haha! Maybe I'm too cynical that this will work cos when I was last on maternity leave we really were down to our last pennies in the month before I went back to work. We literally had ENOUGH for bills until my next pay day and even tho my OH had told his mum this, she still asked for money the following week. :wall::wall::wall:

HurricaneHeart

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

If she comes from a large family tell her to ask one of the others. Attending a wedding is not an essential. Tell her if she persists in asking you will get annoyed and not call her so often and maybe she will stop then.

That's what my OH said! She said she already asked around but as they had bailed her out recently, they couldnt help her again.