Financially helping MIL

Buzzybee90

His sister is a joke. Yes, you are enabling her but so is her mum.

If this were a thread from the mum talking about her daughter some people would say get rid.

Stop sending money. It's absolutely not your responsibility to.

Send clothes if you so wish but the sister should be ashamed.

Andypandyboy

It must be heartbreaking for your OH but deep down he must know that by absolving his sister from parental responsibility he is enabling her to live a lifestyle that is unsupportable? If there is no financial imperative she may go on to have several more children, and there will come a point when it is a choice between your own children and hers.

I think I would do as suggested above. Set a timescale and stick to it. Your mat leave is an ideal opportunity. Finances will be tighter so use that as the start point. Next time they ask for money send x amount and say you can send x amount on another date, but after that you simply cannot afford to continue. Soften the blow by saying you will send clothes etc for the children but that you cannot send cash.

I feel for you too, it cannot be easy, but they clearly have no worries that this pressure will affect your relationship, which it could do in many cases. Good luck.

Lily-Rose_3

clw1 wrote: »

No telling off from me but as the others have said you need to shut the bank - but I know this will be very hard to do and you will be guilt tripped by the family !

Perhaps as a compromise your OH could say "we can send you £x per month but only for the next x months, then we will have a new baby and we cannot send more ever again - you must use this to plan and stand on your own feet by then". This might be easier as you have set a firm limit but not stopped it without any notice.

After that you must harden your heart and stop, but at least you can say you gave them notice.

THIS ^^^ Say you will give them X amount of money for X amount of months, but then nothing after that.

Just tell them gently that you need the money yourselves, and that you have discussed it together, and too many people keep having money off you and you need to put a stop to it.

You cannot carry on.

Would they help you (and your OH) if you suddenly needed money? I bet they wouldn't. You may have decent paid jobs now, but anything could happen and you could need extra money. SAVE that money you give them, don't dish it out to them.

Like someone said earlier; you are 'enabling' them.

Stop it!

Fireflyaway

Myself and my husband come from different continents and backgrounds too. His family don't ask for money although sometimes I think they believe we are better off than we actually are, and that life is easier for us being in the UK than it actually is!

Once my MIL retires we plan to send over an allowance. Not so much because she is poor or really needs it, but as a sign of appreciation and to make her life easier.

I can totally see why you are frustrated sending money over when its yours and your husbands hard work that is supporting people who seem to be doing little to help themselves.

If I were in your situation I would agree to send over an allowance of a fixed sum each month. Your husband needs to explain that you are not rich and although you do care for them and you are both happy to help, you have your own bills to pay and your own family to support. If you send a fixed sum then it shows you care but also stops the requests and then a negotiation and stress each time it happens.

At the end of the day its blunt but you can't keep bailing out their bad choices. What if they had 10, 11,12, 13 kids?? You have to put your foot down at some point. There is a point when the recipient stops being grateful and just expects handouts. If you think they have reached that point then set some boundaries.

I do think its really great that you guys have both learned to manage money well and you are respectful of your husbands culture and his family. Not everyone from mixed background is so tolerant!

HurricaneHeart

quidsy wrote: »

sigh, been there done that. I probably can guess where your oh is from. It wont get better, your kids mean nothing to them & they think you are !!!!ing money & !!!!!!!! gold. Just tell oh that the bank is closed. He can pass that on, you can be the bad guy & everyone will soon stop asking when there is nothing making its way over to them.


Where is oh getting this money from that he send them? If he is a SAHD & only makes 5k a year I can guess.

Haha I'm gonna try that on him next time. The bank is closed!!! I wish it were that simple, years ago he use to send money every week and never turned his mum down. But in the last 2 years he has said no more times then yes. HOWEVER, they still ask and ask and ask, in the hope he gives in and says yes. Which he does do sometimes! But then I think, what if they really are so stuck for money and if we don't send money then how will they eat?

He basically is sending them money from savings. We each have a small amount each month to spend (things like coffee, lunches, nights out etc), and he basically sends all of his own amount. Leaving him stuck with no money to spend for the month so we either dip into our savings or use the cc.

HurricaneHeart

Dan_Thunder wrote: »

There's an appropriate saying 'Help someone in trouble out once and they'll remember you the next time they're in trouble'!

If he absolutely feels obliged to help them out that I'd ensure that he's giving something tangible rather than money. What people say money is for and what it actually is for can vary greatly! If they say it's for clothing then offer clothing.

Also, in all seriousness, if you think the children are being mistreated then you should report it to the appropriate authorities. There's a difference between an adult not taking care of themselves and the same adult not looking after their children.

That's the thing, he really feels like he should help his own mother out. Especially as she raised him and when growing up he made some bad financial decisions himself and she bailed him out when she could. So he feels awful turning her down. And when she says they just need a little money for bread and milk and essentials - he feels that if he says no then it ends up being the kids that suffer.

I'm positive the kids are not being mistreated (abused etc). I know they are loved dearly. But they definitely look like they could be fed better. And I really feel that as a mother, I would work 3 jobs if I had to so my kids could have the best possible start in life. But his sister doesnt see that herself. She thinks the kids are fine the way they are.

HurricaneHeart

Caroline_a wrote: »

Another one saying shut the bank. Your OH (and you?) are enabling this behaviour. As they know that your OH will continue to send money so they have no reason to help themselves.

This happened to a relative of mine last year. Not to give too many details, but after a long period when it was known that money was going to be short, the relative continued to spend and then when the crunch came there was no money, so they asked another relative who they knew had good savings to borrow. After some thought, relative number 2 said no. There was a LOT of sulking and ranting, but relative number 2 stuck to their guns and continued to say no.

However, after 6 months of moaning, wittering and guilt trips, relative number 1 manged to sort themself out.

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

I agree and we have started to do this recently in the last year. But it feels like she is not learning. I think we just have to continue saying no but he finds it hard. And feels so guilty. She recently asked for him to pay for her domestic flight (prob about £100-150) to attend his cousin's wedding. Most of the family are going except her cos she hasnt managed to save for it. OH has said no he has no spare money for it. But I know she will ask again soon.

HurricaneHeart

clw1 wrote: »

No telling off from me but as the others have said you need to shut the bank - but I know this will be very hard to do and you will be guilt tripped by the family !

Perhaps as a compromise your OH could say "we can send you £x per month but only for the next x months, then we will have a new baby and we cannot send more ever again - you must use this to plan and stand on your own feet by then". This might be easier as you have set a firm limit but not stopped it without any notice.

After that you must harden your heart and stop, but at least you can say you gave them notice.

That's a good idea. Do you think she will get used to having more money and then when we stop the money she will be in worse position? I think it's easier for me to harden my heart then it is for my OH cos it IS his mum. Maybe I should transfer all money into my account so he really has zilch to send :rotfl:

enthusiasticsaver

I would be feeling resentful as well and although you and your OH have done this from the best of intentions it has created a rod for your own back. I think I would also put my foot down now and say that no more money will be forthcoming. The sister needs to get a job to support her own kids. I very much doubt they would starve as your OH is worrying as in my experience as a former debt counsellor it is more likely they are prioritising other expenditure - whether it is debt repayment from those who are not prepared to wait or poor spending choices. We supported my MIL for a period of time shortly after she retired years ago as although she was good with money her income was low but when our circumstances changed - maternity leave, we told her we could not afford it. I would suggest the same as that gives your OH an excuse if he is not good at saying no to his Mum.

enthusiasticsaver

HurricaneHeart wrote: »

I agree and we have started to do this recently in the last year. But it feels like she is not learning. I think we just have to continue saying no but he finds it hard. And feels so guilty. She recently asked for him to pay for her domestic flight (prob about £100-150) to attend his cousin's wedding. Most of the family are going except her cos she hasnt managed to save for it. OH has said no he has no spare money for it. But I know she will ask again soon.

If she comes from a large family tell her to ask one of the others. Attending a wedding is not an essential. Tell her if she persists in asking you will get annoyed and not call her so often and maybe she will stop then.