Financially helping MIL

HurricaneHeart

This is probably going to turn into a rant but I'm looking for some advice. How do I handle this better?

Ok background:
Me and OH both come from working class families in 2 diff continents. Due to my own culture it was a strict upbringing and I was encouraged to study and work hard and hence am in a well paid job. We were also taught to save save save and spend money wisely.

My OH was raised in a 'Leave high school as soon as you can, work hard, earn ok but live outside your means. This with very poor money skills meant he grew up in a household where they lived by the monthly pay check and were constantly broke. When I met OH in London (he was here on a work permit), he was awful with money. Absolutely awful. But he was able to send money back to his mum. And here it starts that her and his sister started relying on him sending back money to their country.

Fast forward several years, OH is now brilliant with money after years and years of hard work paying of his debt and many many lectures/lessons/moaning from myself . We have three young kids and own our home. In the same amount of time, his sister has 4 children by 4 diff fathers, his mum is still always broke and asking OH for money. He has always sent when he can, but my OH is a stay at home dad (as I earn more) and he works part time - only making £5k a year. This works for us as he is an amazing father and he loves it.

My issue is that his mum and sister will ask for money constantly and even when he says we don't have any spare, she will keep asking til he sends something. Sometimes he won't give in. Sometimes he will cos she will say she has no money for petrol. Or that there's no food in the house. Or she needs it cos her car broke down and she can't get to work. His sister is unemployed and not interested in getting a job. So his mum is supporting herself, her daughter and all the small grandkids.

I feel so desperately sad for them. For the poor kids cos they are just being born into this lifestyle and it's the poor mum that has the burden of struggling to make ends meet. I feel frustrated cos the sister will not go and try to look for a job. I mean how does she think the kids are being fed and clothed?? There is no welfare system in their country. I am constantly sending clothes and bottles and shoes for th kids. Cos I see photos of them and they look like street kids! Underfed and wearing clothes that are too small.

My OH feels frustrated at the situation and no matter how much we try to help them budget and organise her monthly expenses so she can manage her money - she is always broke and asking for money. I don't want it to be conflict between my OH and me as he rightly asked me 'what would you do if your mum asked for money cos they had no food'.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm just starting to feel that although I earn well, we have a massive mortgage to pay off, a new car to save for, maternity leave to save for (next child!), university savings for each child (yes I know it's early but saving £100 a child per month until they are 18 should cover their tuition!!!) and some CC debt. And I'm starting to resent all this asking for money.

Maybe I'm being selfish. Please be honest and tell me if I am. Maybe I need to just accept that sending them money regularly is just something we need to do. I might earn ok but everything I earn I allocate to savings for a specific goal or for bills. We certaintly don't like a life of luxury, just a simple life. But I really think his family think we are just raking it in. But I really want his sister to take responsibility for her kids! Sometimes it feels like I'm funding all 7!

Thinking about it now, I think they attitude bothers me the most. The fact they aren't bothered to ask OH for me to send them money. Or that they just expect us to bail them out all the time - it's so difficult to say no when she says they have no money for baby formula! Or when I was on maternity leave and not earning any money. And even though OH told his mum we had no money spare, she still asked th next day and then the next day until OH flipped and asked if he should Sh*t out the money for her:eek:

I feel really bad for even thinking like this, cos at the end of the day, if your family is in need of help, then we should help them. We can't leave them to starve or struggle. And I would hate for my family to struggle and not ask me for help. But it's just the attitude of expectation that really gets me. I studied and worked so hard to qualify professionally and made a lot of sacrifices to be able to have what I do now. And I'm beginning to resent the fact that his sister just continues to have all these children with men that are not interested in supporting their children and she just expects others to pay for her kids!!

Anyways please can you put this into perspective for me. Either give me a good telling off or tell me what to do! And thank you for reading I know this is a super long post.

Thanks again
HH

pollypenny

No telling off!

You have to harden your hearts and remember that his mother is an adult. She's profligate, rather than hit hard times, same with the sister.

Have they ever paid any money back? Supported you and OH in other ways? If not they need to learn the hard way.

pinkshoes

Because he is constantly sending them money when they ask, they don't NEED to learn to survive and are not going to.

Your OH is not actually helping them by sending money.

By all means send parcels with clothes and perhaps some food basics like rice, pasta, canned tomatoes etc... But sending cash will just make the problem worse.

pollypenny

I wouldn't send basic food parcels, too expensive.

However, nice clothes for the kids would be good and probably enjoyable to buy. You'd also know that no money will be wasted.

quidsy

sigh, been there done that. I probably can guess where your oh is from. It wont get better, your kids mean nothing to them & they think you are !!!!ing money & !!!!!!!! gold. Just tell oh that the bank is closed. He can pass that on, you can be the bad guy & everyone will soon stop asking when there is nothing making its way over to them.


Where is oh getting this money from that he send them? If he is a SAHD & only makes 5k a year I can guess.

Dan_Thunder

There's an appropriate saying 'Help someone in trouble out once and they'll remember you the next time they're in trouble'!

If he absolutely feels obliged to help them out that I'd ensure that he's giving something tangible rather than money. What people say money is for and what it actually is for can vary greatly! If they say it's for clothing then offer clothing.

Also, in all seriousness, if you think the children are being mistreated then you should report it to the appropriate authorities. There's a difference between an adult not taking care of themselves and the same adult not looking after their children.

Caroline_a

Another one saying shut the bank. Your OH (and you?) are enabling this behaviour. As they know that your OH will continue to send money so they have no reason to help themselves.

This happened to a relative of mine last year. Not to give too many details, but after a long period when it was known that money was going to be short, the relative continued to spend and then when the crunch came there was no money, so they asked another relative who they knew had good savings to borrow. After some thought, relative number 2 said no. There was a LOT of sulking and ranting, but relative number 2 stuck to their guns and continued to say no.

However, after 6 months of moaning, wittering and guilt trips, relative number 1 manged to sort themself out.

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

clw1

No telling off from me but as the others have said you need to shut the bank - but I know this will be very hard to do and you will be guilt tripped by the family !

Perhaps as a compromise your OH could say "we can send you £x per month but only for the next x months, then we will have a new baby and we cannot send more ever again - you must use this to plan and stand on your own feet by then". This might be easier as you have set a firm limit but not stopped it without any notice.

After that you must harden your heart and stop, but at least you can say you gave them notice.

HurricaneHeart

pollypenny wrote: »

No telling off!

You have to harden your hearts and remember that his mother is an adult. She's profligate, rather than hit hard times, same with the sister.

Have they ever paid any money back? Supported you and OH in other ways? If not they need to learn the hard way.

No they've never paid any money back, and with them being overseas in another country it's difficult to them to support us in any way except by telephone/skype etc. We've always paid for her holidays to the UK (spending flights etc) or when we go holiday in her country we pay for everything. We know she only earns basic wage and doesn't have an awful lot of income, but when we go clothes shopping for her and the kids, or out to eat - there is never any offer to pay or anything. I guess we have created this precedent and it's what they're use to now

HurricaneHeart

pinkshoes wrote: »

Because he is constantly sending them money when they ask, they don't NEED to learn to survive and are not going to.

Your OH is not actually helping them by sending money.

By all means send parcels with clothes and perhaps some food basics like rice, pasta, canned tomatoes etc... But sending cash will just make the problem worse.

I totally agree! And I've told OH this so many times. His sister has no reason to get a job cos in her eyes, her kids are being financially looked after by everyone else but her!

HurricaneHeart

pollypenny wrote: »

I wouldn't send basic food parcels, too expensive.

However, nice clothes for the kids would be good and probably enjoyable to buy. You'd also know that no money will be wasted.

You're quite right, I actually really love shopping for them (in the sales!) and i tend to send stuff that my kids have grown out of too. It really makes us so sad to see what little the kids have compared to our kids. I shouldn't compare but the contrast is shocking and we try to spoil them when we can but it's only materialistic items at the end of the day. And I wish for a better future for them. I'm just afraid they will grow up and the same cycle continues.