Forgiveness?

AnnieO1234

Hi all,

What would people say are the requirements of forgiveness? I'm really struggling to get my head around the idea of forgiving someone who has committed many grievous offences against myself and my family. But they are asking for forgiveness anyway, on the proviso that we never speak of any of it again.

For background, I have a very real apology for only one thing they did, other apologies that they've given are what I consider to be false - as in they're apologies for the hurt caused as opposed to actually causing the hurt if that makes sense. And a lot of stuff they still deny. Their words "I don't care what evidences you have I know what I did and didn't do".

Thoughts?

xx

Mojisola

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

But they are asking for forgiveness anyway, on the proviso that we never speak of any of it again.

Why does the person need you to forgive them?

Pollycat

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

Hi all,

What would people say are the requirements of forgiveness? I'm really struggling to get my head around the idea of forgiving someone who has committed many grievous offences against myself and my family. But they are asking for forgiveness anyway, on the proviso that we never speak of any of it again.

For background, I have a very real apology for only one thing they did, other apologies that they've given are what I consider to be false - as in they're apologies for the hurt caused as opposed to actually causing the hurt if that makes sense. And a lot of stuff they still deny. Their words "I don't care what evidences you have I know what I did and didn't do".

Thoughts?

xx

Do you want or need to forgive them?

System

But they are asking for forgiveness anyway, on the provison that we never speak of any of it again.

So thats forgiveness on their terms?

Stuff that.

fairy_lights

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

But they are asking for forgiveness anyway, on the proviso that we never speak of any of it again.

So basically they want you to sweep everything under the carpet?
It doesn't work like that, maybe one day you'll be ok with the things they've done but you can't force yourself to forgive someone just because it's what they want.

Guest101

If you truly forgive someone.

(Which is very difficult)

Then i agree that those things should not then later be brought up. It's been dealt with.

But forgiveness (easy to say) is very difficult. What you're in essence saying is the things you did no longer matter, no longer affect me.

So i can see the point about not bringing it up again, but by virtue of this post, you arent ready to forgive.

Alikay

For me (and I'm not religious so I don't have quite the same moral pressure to forgive as some people...) I try to understand what made them do or say the thing which hurt me. It tends to be pretty easy for me once the initial anger has gone - I see how their personality and situation in life may have meant they felt jealous, or flattered by someone, or annoyed with me, or maybe just behave/speak impulsively just because that's what they're like. Doesn't mean that I'm okay with what they've done, just that I can understand how I might've done similar if I was them!

Unfortunately some behaviours may mean I'm turned off them as a person and don't really want to continue a friendship/relationship with them even though I've forgiven the deed, and understood why they made a poor decision. This might mean the person thinks I haven't forgiven them when actually I have - it's just changed things between us, and how I feel about them.

AnnieO1234

They're a family member, so there's a whole awkwardness around that as it's basically a fracture through the middle of the family. So in some ways trying to work things out is a way forward rather than simply cutting them out of our lives (or indeed they cut themselves out of our lives first if I'm being accurate.)

For me, forgiveness is something that can be complete if there has been a genuine sorrow, a genuine turn around from whatever it was that someone has done to wrong me. That hasn't happened with this person. Whilst I agree that true forgiveness does require people to move on from the original offence(s) at the same time I don't believe that it's possible to simply say "I'm sorry" and then ignore everything without going through it.

Basically, and I'm sorry for the thought stream - I guess I'm asking whether people think it's appropriate that I continue to hold someone to account for their actions when they obviously don't want to be held accountable by their position of "I don't want to talk about any of it".

=(

Mojisola

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

I guess I'm asking whether people think it's appropriate that I continue to hold someone to account for their actions when they obviously don't want to be held accountable by their position of "I don't want to talk about any of it".

You can't change how the other people is behaving or feeling - neither can they make you forgive them.

You can clearly state that you don't think the other person is truly sorry for what happened and so don't feel that you can forgive them.

If you can both move on 'agreeing to disagree', future contact may be possible.

Guest101

AnnieO1234 wrote: »

They're a family member, so there's a whole awkwardness around that as it's basically a fracture through the middle of the family. So in some ways trying to work things out is a way forward rather than simply cutting them out of our lives (or indeed they cut themselves out of our lives first if I'm being accurate.)

For me, forgiveness is something that can be complete if there has been a genuine sorrow, a genuine turn around from whatever it was that someone has done to wrong me. That hasn't happened with this person. Whilst I agree that true forgiveness does require people to move on from the original offence(s) at the same time I don't believe that it's possible to simply say "I'm sorry" and then ignore everything without going through it.

Basically, and I'm sorry for the thought stream - I guess I'm asking whether people think it's appropriate that I continue to hold someone to account for their actions when they obviously don't want to be held accountable by their position of "I don't want to talk about any of it".

=(

I dont think you can hold anyone to account of their actions. I think that's beyond anyone's remit.

That doesnt mean that you have to tolerate it. How you deal with it is your decision. But ignoring it, doesnt mean forgiving it.

Dont bring it up at every occasion, just be mindful of the person and treat them as you would a stranger.

I would say: "I don't forgive you, as I dont believe you have changed your ways. If you seek my forgiveness, I woul dneed to talk to you about these things." - and then just ignore it.

amistupid

A middle aged bloke is on his death bed, his devoted wife at his side.

"Before I go", he said, "I have a confession to make. Susan was much more than a friend, for the past decade we've been having passionate affair. Can you forgive me?"

His wife smiles, gently squeezes his hand and says, "I know dear, that's why I've been poisoning you. Can you forgive me?"