Forgiveness?

Pixie5740

I agree with what Torry Quine is saying. Forgiveness is an intentional and voluntary process undertaken by you. You let go of the negative emotions surrounding whatever it is the other person has done. Forgiveness isn't condoning what the person has done but healing yourself regardless of whether or not you've received an apology or acknowledgement from the other person.

I know that I have truly forgiven someone when I won't throw whatever they've done back in their face in the heat of the moment. I have forgiven friends that have been deeply unpleasant to me in the past. I am no longer in contact with these people and they don't know (and probably don't care) that I have forgiven them but the forgiveness is more for my own wellbeing.

Work towards forgiving this person for your own wellbeing and happiness not for their insincere apologies.

[Deleted User]

I have no more contact with my ex or my family. They too wanted me to 'put behind me' multiple deep wrongs. None has acknowledged what they've done, or tried to gain some understanding of why., had no willingness to do this. So over time, its been a bit of a cycle, I forgive, we try to rebuild, then they do the same thing all over again.

So I just reached a point where I realised I couldn't afford to trust or forgive., the two tend to go hand in hand. But I also have worked on myself so the past does not control how I react to things in the future. Well as much as possible anyway.

My ex.., well, I have discovered I have reached a point of no return. No anger, just a knowledge that he'll never change. No point in forgiving. But no point in anger too. I accept but will not allow a repeat.

I agree with another post.., the person asking for forgiveness doesn't really want it. They just want to not be asked awkward questions. If they really wanted forgiveness they'd see what they did was wrong and stop making you out to be 'awkward' or in some way 'wrong' for not finding it easy to forgive them. This is control and manipulation.

KARO

What is the nature of the wrongdoing?

I imagine it's someone lying or being manipulative. Have they changed their ways? if not why should you forgive?

BarryBlue

I don't see forgiving someone as a great issue. The fact is that if someone has done something detrimental to you, other than accidentally, then they have had some malice or thoughtlessness for it to happen. The fact that they can claim they are sorry doesn't in any way undo what they were prepared to do to you.

In such circumstances, asking forgiveness is offering an apology, sincere or otherwise, and in a way trying to get you to pretend it never happened. I would simply accept an apology for what it was worth. Then I would make it clear that you cannot turn back the clock - it happened. If it was not a trivial matter I would move on and have nothing further to do with them.

The fact that it may be a family matter is irrelevant. You can't choose your family but you can choose whether to spend time with them or not. If family functions are involved, a polite greeting and little else would be my answer. The main thing is not to dwell on it or let them get to you.

Pixie5740

BarryBlue wrote: »

I don't see forgiving someone as a great issue. The fact is that if someone has done something detrimental to you, other than accidentally, then they have had some malice or thoughtlessness for it to happen. The fact that they can claim they are sorry doesn't in any way undo what they were prepared to do to you.

It's kind of like guilt. Guilt is a selfish emotion designed to make the wrongdoer feel better about whatever they've done wrong. It doesn't help the person who has been wronged, forgiveness is what eventually helps them.

bouicca21

As someone who has also been wronged and has wondered about forgiveness I have found this thread really useful.

There seem to be two concepts coming through. One is that forgiveness is not about condoning, but about letting go of negative emotions like resentment and anger. It is a gift to oneself. It matters not if the wrongdoer knows that he/she has been forgiven.

The other is that forgiveness is about condoning/forgetting, it's about making the other person feel better about him/herself and may involve some kind of emotional sacrifice on the part of the wronged. It is a gift to the wrongdoer.

I cannot forget or condone, but I can (and have) worked on losing the pain of negativity.

TBagpuss

I think the other side of the "what does forgiveness mean to you?" is "what does forgiveness mean to the other person?"

If their concept of forgiveness is that you no longer hold them to account or their past actions and act as if it had not happened, then it may be that you cannot 'forgive' them because you can't go back and pretend it didn't happen.

Possibly rather than determining whether you can forgive them you may find it more useful in a practical sense to decide what you can or can't do, and what conditions you would have to put in place for you to do it

For instance, if their concept of forgiveness is that you don't mention their behaviour, you might decide that you can do that, but that first you need to say to them, just once, how their behaviour impacted on you. You might also decide that the relationship cannot go back to how it was before.

So your position might be
"I can agree not to bring up the fact that you did x, y and z. However, I need you to know that your behaving in that way was very hurtful and it does mean that I cannot trust you. I am quite prepared to met you at family events, and to be polite and civil to you, but I will not be inviting you to my home " Or whatever your personal boundaries are.

For yourself I think that the concept of forgiving as letting go of anger and resentment is a key part of it - you don't forgive someone because they deserve it, necessarily, you do it either because they need it, and you are able to forgive them, or because you need it, because holding the resentment or hate or anger is unhealthy for you.

But forgiveness does not mean forgetting or ignoring someone's behaviour.

As an example, if someone stole from you, you might forgive them, decide not to contact the police or to bring it up in conversation. But you might also chose not to leave them alone with your purse, or to appoint them as a trustee.

jjj1980

I've always been of the mind-set that if something you are about to do or say will very likely be something that you will need to be making apologies for later, you DO NOT do/say it.


I've had a couple of occasions where people have done very wrong towards me, some recently some a long while ago. None of those people have been forgiven and their behaviour will never be forgotten. All have been told as much. I don't do second chances where adults are concerned.


Last year, two of my relatives (an Aunts and cousins) accused me of saying something that around 12 other relatives pointed out straight away was in fact said by someone else, what was said was in fact different to what they claimed to have heard and that I wasn't even part of the wider conversation. Despite this, my aunt and cousin went on to say some very hurtful, nasty things about me. It caused the whole family to be practically split in two. Other cousins that had been included in the ones pointing out that my aunt and other cousin were wrong, still sided with the aunt and cousin as they are mother/daughter, sisters etc. Including one cousin that I grew up like sisters with. She had been in touch with our Uncle the day after and said how wrong it was how her mother and sister had behaved but because she needed favours from them in the short-term, didn't feel like it would be right to contact me.


A year down the line, the ones that knew the truth to begin with have tried to apologise for cutting all contact with me. They have been told that I'm glad they have admitted they were wrong but that I want nothing to do with people who despite knowing the truth and seeing the hurt caused, they still stood by their other relatives. Some of these people caused as much hurt as the aunt and cousin making the accusations as I could not understand how you can treat someone you know to be innocent so coldly.


In my opinion, family/friend loyalty never trumps honesty and innocence. Had it have been my parent making wrong accusations against someone I knew to have done nothing wrong, my parent would be the one being cut off, not the other person.

jjj1980

TBagpuss wrote: »

As an example, if someone stole from you, you might forgive them, decide not to contact the police or to bring it up in conversation. But you might also chose not to leave them alone with your purse, or to appoint them as a trustee.

Felt a need to quote this as I cannot understand why a theft, or any crime for that matter, would not be reported to the police. Other innocent people have a right to be protected from the guilty person and the main way to do this is to involve the police.