Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

Did a 11.8 mile yomp the Sunday before last, which according to running peeps means we should be able to finish the half marathon Strained my core muscles the night before though, so think running exacerbated it and decided to walk instead of running last Sunday to avoid causing further problems. Also been using heated wheat bags to try and improve it.

Added £105 to rdf, bringing it to £210 -- £390 away from repaying what I used for Arvon. Should be able to do that by the end of the year, but not sure about adding a further £400 to hit my rdf goal. Especially since there's radio silence on the paid work front... They have to run the art project because they got a grant on that basis, but apparently the bosses are waiting to hear back from a couple of big funding applications before planning the project.

I ordered a fleece jacket and a pair of leggings, totalling £31, because my current ones are getting too big. I'm in danger of flashing my kettlebells class every time I wear one pair of leggings! I'm also thinking about getting a new anorak, because my current one is so big that it falls off when I don't do up the zip. Will probably get one a size smaller than I am now, so I can wear it undone and it will last longer because it should be only one size bigger than my ultimate goal. The extra expense of getting new clothes is a bit annoying, but I need to wear clothes which are comfortable and I'm choosing cheaper options,

My weight loss is my top priority for this year: that's the bottom line. Next year, I will focus more on my financial goals. I want to get a terramundi for Xmas. The one I want is beautiful and although it's £24, it will help me to save more (I read about the psychology behind it in an amazing boom called Mind Over Money by Claudia Hammond), so will be worth the cost. I think I will use it to statt a "dream fund" which I must put towards long term, important goals.

I started this week feeling positive and productive, but slumped a bit yesterday. Hope I can get back on track today.

scubaangel

Well done on the yomps - so far my training for my half has been a 10k trail event on Saturday and a 6.8 mile run along my local long distance footpath yesterday, am working all week now so likely wont have chance/the will power to run again this week.


Buying clothes when you change size is a pain but its a wonderful problem to have when you're trying to lose weight. Hope you find a decent coat at a bargain price when you go looking for one.



I've always thought terramundi are a waste of money as its almost impossible to get the money out of them when they're full without smashing them - I much prefer metal tin type money boxes usually much cheaper although it is hard to find ones that aren't silly cartoon designs. I have two on the go at the moment, one for £2 coins and a second one for money I get from tips at work and anything I sell via gumtree/shpock, although lately the tips if notes have been kept in a purse to be used for specific things (new running trainers being the latest one).

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, scuba I'm going to try Tesco for an anorak type coat, because everything I've seen online is either too expensive or ugly!

Re terramundi: apparently, you can prise the top off the one I want and use it as a plant pot or similar afterwards, but even if it's unusable I think the cost is part of the motivation. It sounds illogical, but humans don't behave in logical ways -- saving outside of a bank account itself is illogical, since there is no interest added (though since inflation cancels out interest rates atm, you could argue that saving at all is illogical!). I have had limited success with tin savings pots in the past; I manage to save a bit, but because they only cost a pound or two, it's easy to try to justify opening before it's full. With a £25 terramundi, there's no way I'm opening it before I reach my goal

I also think having a beautiful savings pot will help me to bear my goals in mind and motivate me to save more. I will keep it in my bedroom, so I will see it first thing in the morning and last thing at night, which will remind me to save instead of wasting my money on stuff I don't need or particularly want (more ebooks, magazines, junk food...). Anyhoo, I plan to get it for Xmas from my nan, so will regard it as an experiment and see what happens

Other financial news: I cancelled my child sponsorship because the project in the area has been completed, so it's a good time to stop. I feel a little guilty about not sponsoring the girl they had lined up next for me, but I will be in a better position to help more in future if I sort out my finances/life now. I'm also in a place where I don't rely on giving to charity monthly to shore up my self-esteem. I still think giving back to the world is vital, but I will do it via volunteering and ad hoc donations.

scubaangel

Those are good reasons especially if you find that tins are too easy to break in to before they're full. I've only ever seen the terramundi that need to be smashed open and just thought what a terrible waste!


Agree with your reasoning about cancelling the sponsorship too, giving back is important but it doesn't need to come at financial cost and you are very busy from the looks of things with volunteering where you can.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, scuba

It's been another expensive week... I needed new omega and probiotic supplements, so that cost £45 for a year's supply of the former and 6 month's of the latter. Debated whether to get more, but I feel better physically and mentslly since I started taking them and even if it's a placebo effect, I don't want to risk stopping when winter is beginning since it's a vulnerable time for me. They cost under £1.25 per week for both, which is a price I'm happy to pay. It just feels like a lot when you buy in bulk!

Also spent a small fortune in Tesco at the weekend. They had 25% off clothes, so I also saved a lot I got a much-needed anorak (and was shocked to be able to zip up a size 12 -- sizes must be very generous), cheap leggings and long sleeved tops, a couple of long sleeved workout tops, some lounge pants and a jumper. Came home and cleared out a lot of old stuff for recycling, which was strangely emotional. I'm not attached to the clothes (except maybe one stripey jumper); it just feels so strange to be getting rid of clothes which have been my wardrobe staples for ages.

My mum has yet to tell me what I owe her from shopping, so I made a loan payment for the first time in AGES! Paid off £90, which takes me down to a still-eye-watering £18,740. It means I have paid off nearly 3%, which seems tiny in some ways but the progress makes me feel more positive about being able to pay it off eventually.

It's a difficult week so far, despite using my SAD lamp. On Monday, the woman on reception at the gym demanded to see my new NHS certificate (it means I get £5 off membership) and was very abrupt when I said I hadn't received a new one yet. So I panicked about not getting a new one, thinking I should have had it, and had a panic attack. When I got home, I discovered the current one doesn't expire until the 31st so it's no wonder I haven't had a new one yet. The annoying thing is, I was sure this was the case, but the woman's attitude made me lose confidence in my convictions. The whole thing had left me shaken, because it highlights how my mental illnesses still control and restrict my life. I'm also frustrated about not being able to stick up for myself.

Hate how so many things are still a struggle for me.

AspiringButAnxious

Paid off my cc balance

Also did several hours of work for my dad, setting up a website for the skittles league he helps run. Charged him £40, which is £8 an hour when discounting a couple of hours I spent thinking and trying to figure out how to do stuff.

Got a message from the youth mental health organisation, saying they are still waiting to hear the results of 2 big funding applications but will get going with the art project as soon as they know what's happening. Hoping it works out -- radio silence from the person who offered me the work (the manager's manager) has been disconcerting, but they got a grant for the specific project so it has to go ahead and I doubt anyone else with my experience/skills will be queuing up for a few hours' work a week.

I'm still struggling with my mental health, despite using my SAD lamp and making huge effort to eat more nutritious food. Feeling nervous about the half marathon on Sunday, but should be able to complete it. My mum wants to do it in 3 hours, so hopefully she will push herself too. Keep reminding myself I trekked to Machu Picchu with a throat infection and altitude sickness, so no excuses!

Had a very productive weekend, including submitting 2 stories, but haven't managed to do much the last couple of days. It's very frustrating. I'm torn between berating myself and practicing self-compassion. I know I would feel better if I ticked a few items off my to-do list, but it's very difficult to find the energy and motivation.

Still feeling like every time I take a step forward, I take two back.

crazy_cat_lady

Well done paying off the credit card :j
You're doing amazingly well - try and be kind to yourself. You've made loads of positive steps forward in the time I've 'known' you. You have got this half marathon in the bag.

scubaangel

You and your Mum will smash the half! I'm absolutely sure of that, I've been talking to my friends about them being the grown ups and not letting me drink too much on Saturday night at the Oktoberfest event. I fear it's not going to work.



Annoying as it is to keep having to wait at least despite the silence to now you know it's still on their priorities list.

AspiringButAnxious

Aw, thank you, guys! And good luck, Scuba -- with the race and not drinking too much!

I have given myself permission to do nothing until Monday, because I think worrying about the half marathon is distracting me and beating myself up for not being able to concentrate is a sure way of getting nothing done AND not being well prepared for running. It probably also guarantees I will get *something* done just to be contrary!

I think I need to work on being comfortable with uncertainty. I have been feeling like I'm in limbo because even when I know something will happen, I don't know the details. Classic example: the art project work, because while I'm pretty sure they will employ me, I don't know how many hours a week it will be or the exact nature of the work. Same with losing weight: I know I can get to my goal, but I have no idea what I will look like or whether I will have loose skin.

But at least I'm more confident about those things than I am about paying off my debt/earning more and creating a writing career, where it feels like I have less control over the results. All I can do is focus on the process and keep writing, keep repaying my parents and adding to my savings -- even if it's on such a small scale that it doesn't feel like I'm making progress.

Perhaps that's the biggest lesson of this year: to trust the process and learn to enjoy it. Even if I don't achieve my goals, I feel better for trying. There have been times when I gave up on life and didn't work towards anything, so I know that feels worse than falling short.

I read an article today which talked about body transformation, i.e. losing fat and gaining muscle/strength/fitness. The main message was: the transformation starts on the inside. Both in terms of attitude/perception and biological changes. I'm realising how true that is, though it's frustrating when I can't see the fruits of my effort.

This week, three people in my gym classes have congratulated me for losing weight and talked about differences over the past month (a couple hadn't seen me for a few weeks and commented on how amazed they are by the difference), yet I was losing weight faster at the beginning of the year. The results people see now are the product of changes I started making back in January. My attitude vhanged in January, because I finally realised I was worth the effort of losing weight in a healthy way and getting fit. I deserve to be healthy and strong. The actions and results followed this attitude change, despite the time I spend moaning about my weight loss seeming disproportionate to my effort

I suppose my body transformation is teaching me a lot abot transformation in general. I'm changing my life, even if it looks very similar from the outside. Yes, I'm still living with my parents and relying on benefits, but I have been putting down the foundations which will hopefully help me to change those things in future.

I should probably print this post and re-read it every day as a reminder!

scubaangel

I'm not going to be around until after Sunday now so GOOD LUCK and enjoy yourself.