Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, rc — you've cheered me up! I'm really pleased I've done everything, especially the run and skydive, despite wishing I had achieved more this year.

So...things haven't been great recently. My dad had a heart attack last Tuesday and is in hospital waiting for an angiogram. He will probably have a stent and can come home afterwards. Hopefully it will get done this week, but the hopsital is very busy. They cancelled next week's outpatient angiograms and gotten 3 extra staff to tackle the backlog so that everyone waiting in hospital should be home by Xmas.

My stomach is still hurting after finishing the course of antacids, so I get to have a bunch of tests. The main things they're looking for is the bacterium which causes stomach ulcers and gallstones. I can't take the antacids for 2 weeks before doing one of the tests, so it's pretty painful. I'm also eating loads of crisps and drinking fizzy drinks, because they are the only things which seem to ease the pain a little. I'm just below 180lb so haven't gained a great deal, but it's frustrating.

My mum's puppy had kennel cough the week before last, though only mildly. It meant she and my dog were in quarantine for a week so couldn't go out. That was fun.

I officially started my new job on Monday My first task is to write an information sheet for schools, parents, young people and anyoe else who wants to be involved with the art project. It's exciting, but nerve-wracking and I keep thinking of more questions I need to figure out how to answer!

One of my goals for this month is to practice driving, so I can get myself to the art workshops when they start. Since my dad had his heart attack, I have had plenty of opportunity — though so far only with my mum in the car. I will also probably need to give him lifts when he gets home, because he won't be allowed to drive for a month. I even parallel parked between 2 cars! Actually, the car has parking sensors and a camers, so despite being a little bigger than the cars I used to drive, in some ways it's easier to manoeuvre. Hopefully I can build up my confidence.

Went Xmas shopping after visiting my dad on Monday. Spent a small fortune, mostly on myself... I wanted to treat myself, but I also needed new pyjamas and I had nothing smart to wear (especially going out tops). Got a couple of presents, but still need to buy something for my parents — probably clothes from Tesco. Side note: I can see why the high street is struggling, considering all the !!!! they're trying to sell. I was expecting shopping to be far easier and more pleasurable now I fit into a size 12 for most things (except jeans/trousers), but it was difficult to find stuff I actually liked.

Anyhoo, everything feels like a mess atm. I hope to get back on track this week, catching up with studying and hitting the ground running with my new job (it's only 6 hours s week and mostly flexible, especially before the workshops start, so manageable). Not feeling very Xmassy.

rainbowskies

Hi ABA! I used to read your diary way back when but have been away from MSE for a while. Just got back into it a few weeks ago and spent some time reading up your diary. You have achieved so much since you started, you are truly amazing.

We have a similar debt amount and I’m an aspiring writer as well (though I haven’t done much about it in the last year. I’ve been in a major slump) Reading your diary is both relatable and inspirational.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I hope he’s feeling much better and that he’s home where he belongs.

AspiringButAnxious

Thank you, rainbow It doesn't feel like I have achieved much lately...

Spending went a bit off track before Xmas, so I lumped together everything I owe my parents and reset the loan at £19,224. It's a terrifying amount in itself, but because it's so close to the highest amount it's been (£19,300), it feels like I have slipped backwards. It sucks, but I have to reset myself and focus on improving my finances.

My new job will help in that regard and the tax credits people have confirmed that it won't affect my benefits, so I will have around £260 extra per month until July. It probably doesn't sound much to most people, especially considering my debt, but it's a big percentage increase because my income is very low.

I had some stuff on my cc at the beginning of the year (about £130), but have cleared it. Will avoid spending on it for the foreseeable.

My dad is recovering from a double bypass and seems to be doing well.

I had an ultrasound yesterday and found out that I have gallstones. Seeing the doctor s week on Monday to find out what happens next. It's a relief to finally know what's wrong, but also frustrating that they're probably a result of my losing weight. I tried to lose weight healthily: it was slow and I followed a healthy plan, rather than something like keto which is associated with gallstones. I wanted to reduce my risk of heart disease, diabetes and other illnesses, yet I end up getting ill anyway. It's taking its toll on my mental health, especially as it's disrupting my exercise schedule.

So... a difficult start to the year. Feel like I could use some 'wins' right now.

AspiringButAnxious

Paid £194 off loan this week. Brings me up to 1.3% paid in total.

Have had sore throat/cold all week, so feel awful. Really struggling and feeling run down.

UncannyScot

Hi
There is a lot of the lurgy around at the mo...
You are making progress, even little steps forward is progress
(((((HUGS)))))

AspiringButAnxious

Thank you, uncanny

The gallbladder is coming out -- my GP is referring me to a surgeon. Don't know when yet, but I'm trying to stay fit and eat as little fat as I can in the meantime. It's obviously for the best, since I am in constant pain, but I can't help feeling nervous. It's what I want, since even if t pain stopped soon, I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for another attack, but... I just wish I didn't have gallstones!

It's another problem I have to deal with and while it's going to get sorted, I can't help feeling overwhelmed by everything piling up. I know that's partly because my mental health problems make everything harder to cope with and most people who don't have anxiety or bpd would find it difficult to be in my situation, but another feature of anxiety/bpd/depression is blaming myself for being unable to cope.

On the bright side, I got my assignment submitted a whole day early! It's not brilliant, but I should get a passing mark. Keep reminding myself that it's only one assignment for a 30 credit module, so it's not going to have a huge effect on my degree. Now my attention goes to catching up with the 60 credit module, which has an assignment due in less than a month...

Paid another £60 off the loan, leaving £18,910 to go. I also owe my mum £286 in recent spending, but am waiting until I get paid next month so I can pay it off in one lump. In the meantime, I will just keep repaying the loan. I know that sounds a bit weird, but it makes no difference financially and helps me feel like I'm making more progress.

My cold/sore throat has (mostly) gone. Been trying to get more sleep so I don't feel so run down -- it's fine atm, because my dad is off work after his heart attack so my mum's puppy goes in their bedroom with him after my mum goes to work at 6:45am. If she's in with my dog and me, she wants to play so I might as well get up, but she goes to sleep with my dad. Waking up around 8am seems to be what my body wants to do, so I'll stick with it while I can.

I feel a little more in control this week. Three stressful events are out of the way (my induction at work, which was a 40min drive away; seeing the doctor, and on my own for the first time in several months; completing my assignment), so I feel like I have a little more breathing space. I also feel more motivated to catch up/get going with everything

UncannyScot

Keep on, keeping on, focus on the positives and celebrate your achievements, cos you have made loads.
I know that when you're in the midst of things it is difficult to focus on the positives but we need to ensure that we keep a positive outlook to move forward in life...
(((((HUGS)))))

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, uncanny

Things are still a little overwhelming, but have taken a bit of an upturn this week:

1. I had a hospital eye appointment and was told my keratocconus has stabilised, so the cross linking surgery appears to have worked! This means I probably won't go blind in future and if my scan (within next few months) shows no difference, I will be discharged-- nearly 7.5 years after being diagnosed. Just need to get back in touch if my glasses prescription changes dramatically.

2. I drove on my own, for the first time in approx 2 years. Feels ridiculous, since I passed my test almost 9.5 years ago, but it's a huge milestone for me. Hopefully my confidence will increase and I can be more independent. Was highly motivated to take the leap, because I went to meet my best friend's new baby

3. I have paid off all my recent spending. Recent meaning from just before Xmas... Also paid off a little more of the loan, bringing it to 2.2% paid. Or 11.3% of my target for this year. Will be able to repay it faster, now the backlog of spending has been cleared.

Recommitted to my weight loss this week by trying the Fast 800 Diet. It's detailed in a book written by Dr Michael Mosley, who does a lot of BBC programmes on health. It seems extreme on the face of it, but is backed up by science. Besides, I'm so sick of feeling fat and puffy that I'm motivated to stick to a strict plan. It should also help some of my bloating, because it's limited carb. I'm reserving judgment and approaching it as an experiment.

My next assignment is due on Tuesday... Feels like there's no let up: I'm either working on an assignment or catching up on studying. My own fault for doing 2 modules, I suppose, although I didn't anticipate coping with gallstones and my dad's heart attack/bypass surgery on top of everything else...

So I shall continue trying to be positive! I'm terrified of wasting or wrecking the opportunities I have been given with my OU degree and new job, but worrying won't help.

UncannyScot

You are doing grand
You have and are achieving a hell of a lot

I completed a loooooonnnngggg circuit hike (YOMP) in the borders yesterday, longest days walk we have tackled yet.
When the lads and I were planning it the question was asked, "Are we up for this? Can we do this?" and the cheeky answer was, "Course we effin can, cos we're all bloody MAD..."
MAD for us is the key word for Motivated and Determined

I would like to think that you're kind of MAD as well

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, uncanny that's brilliant-- especially as my motivation is slowly coming back!

Caught a cough/sore throat off everyone else in the house, so my assignment was a rush job while feeling awful. Hopefully it should get at least 60, but have to keep reminding myself that it's only one assignment of the few dozen or so which will contribute towards my degree.

Paid off my £41.50 cc balance today. Got my friend flowers and ordered a Buddy Box from the Blurt Foundation for myself next month. Come to the conclusion that Buddy Boxes are "good" spending because they are designed for people with depression and help me feel better, meaning I don't spend more than double the cost on junk food.

Diet is going well, despite challenge of being ill and stressed, which means I want to turn to comfort food. Sometimes I find myself starting at the crisp cupboard and thinking it would be the easiest thing in the world to have a packet, but I know I wouldn't stop at a single packet and would feel terrible (physically and emotionally) afterwards. Besides, I have planned "free" days (I refuse to call them cheat days) so I tell myself I can eat the junk then, if I still want it. In the meantime, I'm curious to see what happens when I commit to a plan 100%