Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks ccl and rc I do rely heavily on my parents' flexibility where money is concerned -- they know I will pay them back eventually and as long as I don't add to my debt overall, I can vary my payments depending on cashflow. It's not ideal, but at least I have some degree of control.

Confession time: in addition to my Arvon course, the other major expense I had lined up this year was a tandem skydive, which I completed yesterday! I have wanted to do one for years, so stopped making excuses. I also managed to pay it without incurring cc interest, although I borrowed £130 from my ff which was earmarked for my Arvon course (now repaid). Really glad I did it -- I was nervous, but it was so much fun! You know, once I stopped thinking "what am I doing?"

Still haven't had my 2 Copify orders from last week approved although I haven't been asked for edits (yet) either. It's a bit stressful, because I want to know if my work was good enough and if Copify pays writers on time with no issues. I'm focusing on my fiction atm though, because I have some deadlines to meet next Thursday, which coincide with my final OU assignment deadline.

Had my birthday yesterday, so got £60 from my parents, nan and brother I already had £23 of vouchers from postal surveys (which I'm now quitting, because they aren't worth the time they eat up), so all set to shop for some new clothes in 2/3 weeks.

Finding it difficult to focus atm. I think I was worried about the skydive (especially being under the weight limit -- which I was, by 6lb or so!), so I was expecting to have better concentration today. Unfortunately, it has not manifested! Maybe it's deadline stress. That's one of the most frustrating aspects of mental illness: it prevents you from doing things which could improve your symptoms.

AspiringButAnxious

Repaid my mum £86 of recent expenses, plus rent. Now owe her £51 over the official loan.

Last 2 Copify orders still haven't been approved...

Cc balance is near £200, thanks to website renewals and comp entries. On the bright side, I entered both novel comps I was aiming to enter this month

Now focusing on OU assignment, which is due next Thursday, but would also like to enter some short stpry comps... Will see how it goes and what stories I have a available and in good order

Stressed, but coping. I think.

AspiringButAnxious

Got confirmation that my tax credits have been renewed, which is a weight off my mind. I know my circumstances haven't changed and my mental health problems still prevent me from doing a lot of things, but I go into "stress mode" when it's time to renew and convince myself there will be issues. In the past, when claiming incapacity, I had to jump through a lot of hoops and appeals to get the benefit to which I was legally entitled -- even during times when I could never leave the house without my mum -- so the process brings back a lot of bad memories.

I'm determined that next year will be different: at the very least, I want to be consistently earning enough to cover my basic expenses. Ideally, of course, I want to be earning enough to stop relying on tax credits.

In my recent experience, focusing on my strengths and positive aspects of my life is what gets results. Beating myself up about not being able to work as a waitress or care assistant just makes me more depressed and anxious. I need to have faith that I will find work which suits me, doesn't exacerbate my mental illnesses and pays more than a few pounds an hour.

So my current focus is the OU assignment... I made no progress yesterday, so hoping to get my s**t together today. I know that I will probably finish it in 2/3 big chunks, but can't help stressing about it. You can't switch anxiety off at will, unfortunately! I know it makes no sense, since panicking prevents me from even thinking straight, let alone working on the assignment, but that's how it is.

Got to keep sight of why I'm putting myself through this: I want to complete my Psychology BSc and use my knowledge and skills to help other people with mental health problems to create and achieve their goals.

AspiringButAnxious

Submitted the OU assignment on Monday now getting worried about whether it's good enough... Passing the module is what matters most, but I would like to get 70+

Paid my mum rent plus shopping today; now owe £77 from recent spending.

Yesterday was expensive... bought a bunch of ebooks, ordered the Mslexia Indie Press Guide and got tickets to see Nicci French at a local lit fest in a few weeks. I think I felt like treating myself after being so focused on my assignment and worried about tax credits. I also wanted to send myself a message that I'm taking my fiction writing seriously and need to put in a lot of work over summer to make the investment pay off. I know those are excuses, but I spend less than £100 and in the past, I would have spent £400+ to help myself feel better.

Getting back on the wagon now: will keep a close rein on my spending and I'm back on my diet after 8 days of indulgence. I want to cultivate discipline in all areas of my life -- especially since I will need it in October, when I do 90 OU credits rather than the 60 I did this year.

AspiringButAnxious

Ordered £10 Paypal from GTM today.

Feeling more depressed over the past week. Lost my motivation, constantly tired and been getting a lot of headaches. Not sure what to do.

crazy_cat_lady

Start by being kind to yourself and don't give yourself a hard time for not being well. You'll be better when you're ready.
Thinking of you.

AspiringButAnxious

Thank you, ccl -- that means a lot.

Used my fun fund to pay a chunk off my cc, plus I paid another chunk today, so it's now a more manageable £110.91, which I will be able to pay off within a couple of weeks. I hate having any balance, even though I'm on a low interest rate atm. It's psychological -- when I have a balance, I'm more likely to spend impulsively and add to it. When it's zero, I consider my spending more.

Still finding things difficult this week, but can also appreciate that this used to be my default level of depression, so it's a sign of improvement. Stressed about my OU assignment, too. Hate waiting for results -- I know I have probably passed, but it's difficult to deal with the uncertainty. I want to *know* I will be able to do my next modules in October (though I will also be stressed until my tuition fee loan is confirmed).

On the bright side, I have lost weight for the first time in over 2 weeks! Now 200.5lbs and get to eat my Booja Booja champagne truffles when I hit 200 though I hope I bypass it into 199!

AspiringButAnxious

Recovering from an awful few days (Thur to Sat). Trying hard to cling to positive things, but it's difficult.

Sponsored my cousin £20 for the Race for Life, so cc is now £115 after paying off £7.91 with GTM payment. The orders still pending feedback for Copify should automatically be approved at the end of this week, so will find out if they pay promptly (as indicated by reviews, so not too worried). Means I will be able to clear cc by next week, when I will return to paying back my mum for recent expenditure.

Hit 198lb on Thursday, so got to eat my champagne truffles! Hoping the weight loss will continue at a decent pace from now on...

Went running yesterday, doing 3-3.5 miles, which is good -- especially considering I haven't done much running recently. Determined to get back into the habit, for my mood as much as half marathon training.

Went to kettlebells on my own on Friday, for the first time in almost a year. It was bittersweet, because I'm glad I managed to do it, but spending the whole week anxious about it probably isn't a fair trade.

My dad's dog is still struggling, which makes me more stressed, depressed and anxious. Want him to last as long as he comfortably can, but hate the uncertainty of the situation. From one day to the next, we don't know if he will be having a good day or bad day. Though I feel like that myself atm, since I'm struggling to manage my mental health. Don't think my parents realise how much pressure it puts on me, especially when they were hardly at home last week. My brother complained about coming home to an empty house on Friday and not knowing whether the dog was dead, yet I go through it every day.

Feel like I have no emotional support. Really miss counselling, but can't afford to go private and nhs isn't worth bothering with, since I would have to wait a while and then have a very limited number of sessions. When are things going to get better? I was doing well and now all that work is being undone.

AspiringButAnxious

Paid £75 off cc, so now £40.

Dog went to vets on Monday and I half expected him not to come home, but he did. He's a difficult dog, but it would be nice to have him for a bit longer.

Not struggling as much as I was last week, but still finding everything very hard.

AspiringButAnxious

Turns out Copify does pay promptly After waiting 30 days for the 2 orders to be auto-approved, I received £21 today. I used it to halve my cc balance to £20, which will be paid off on Wednesday. Will definitely keep using Copify now I know I can trust them, although orders seem a bit thin on the ground atm.

Drove to my Nan's this morning -- first time for 2-3 months. She gave me £10 to buy new clothes, since I have now lost 47.5lbs, which means I have £92 altogether (birthday money and vouchers). Plan to go in a few weeks. Might end up spending a little more, but intend to keep a tight rein on it. Trouble is, I *need* new clothes -- some tops, a pair of jeans and a belt as a minimum. Plus I need new training shoes. Hopefully I can find some bargains and keep my spending down.

Feel like I haven't achieved much recently. Probably because I spent a few weeks feeling depressed and suicidal. Need to find my mojo asap.