Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

doingitanyway

I notice when I am creative my mood is much more even. Arvon is a good idea. Good surroundings, healthy food and being able to write, all good stuff. Good luck with the writing plans.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, DIA As much as I consider the Arvon course an investment in my writing, I think it's also important for my mental health !!!8212; getting away from my family for a few days gives me a break!

Paid off my £50.79 cc balance this morning.

Need to figure out my budget for this month, because I owe my mum extra from shopping and want to boost my ff so I can pay as much of the Arvon balance as I can from savings.

AspiringButAnxious

Added £20 to ff, for Arvon course -- now £50 so £80 to repay back to its previous level and £520 to save altogether... Probably won't save the full amount before the balance is due, but if I manage to pay off the bulk by September, I won't need fo raid my rdf.

Mother still hasn't gotten around to adding up what I owe her from recent shopping (new clothes, Bosh cookbook), but should have time to do it this weekend. Plan to pay her as much as I can next week, which will hopefully make a big dent.

Staff at the youth mental health organisation I volunteer for gave me a (good) talking-to yesterday, pointing out that I'm doing well and have made progress in my daily life. As much as I get frustrated at not being able to find paid work, at least I'm working -- on my writing and in my volunteer role -- and contributing to the world. It's difficult to find balance between pushing myself to achieve and not putting myself under pressure, which results in more anxiety, depression and disappointment.

As a result of that conversation, I realised that it has been a pretty good week: I have walked the dog on my own, been to gym classes, did some running, written and studied.

I'm coming to the end of my OU course -- just the final assignment (due 4 weeks from today) to go. Got 95 for all three of the previous assignments, which should reassure me but makes me worried that I might get a much lower mark and fail to live up to my potential (again). I have enjoyed the module and it has informed my volunteer work, so looking forward to the two modules I will be doing next year. Waiting for OU email to alert me when I can apply for my part time student loan, which will probably be soon.

Maybe I'm in a reflective mood because my birthday is in a couple of weeks, but it's weird to think how different my life was 3/4 years ago. I never thought I would be able to study again, let alone in a new field. I was so frustrated about my mental health and financial situation that chasing my dreams never occurred to me. I didn't realise there were any opportunities available for me. Sometimes I slip back into that way of thinking -- equating my personal value with my debt/bank balance -- but most of the time I can see that I'm not just a burden on my parents and the state. And as people pointed out to me yesterday, it's not as if I asked to have mental health problems -- I'm just doing the best I can.

crazy_cat_lady

Hi ABA

Welcome back, and really well done on all the progress that you've made since I was last on here and you were last on here. I have noticed that those of us with anxiety give ourselves a much harder time than we would ever give anyone else. I think you're doing amazingly well.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, ccl great to see you back!

It's ridiculous how stressed I get about my finances. I suppose I have absorbed messages from my father's family about money indicating what people are worth and the pursuit of more money being paramount. I reject that philosophy -- there are so many people who make a huge difference on a modest income, just as there are millionaires who help nobody but themselves -- but it still raises its ugly head.

Interestingly, I have just finished a book called Supercoach by Michael Neill and he talks about meeting very wealthy clients who are stressed about money. They are obsessed with the fear they might lose some or all of their fortune. Neill says he had always assumed he would stop worrying about money when he had X amount, but talking with these people made him realise that if you stress about money to a greater extent than it warrants, you always will. Having £100,000 or even £1,000,000 in the bank won't change that, unless you change your mindset.

In my case, as much as I hate being a burden on my parents, it does mean that I am very unlikely to starve to death or be forced to live on the streets. I panic so much about not earning enough and relying on tax credits, yet my survival is not dependent on those things.

Don't get me wrong: I believe earning enough to live independently and repay my debt would be better for my mental health, but stressing about my inability to earn enough at the moment is detrimental to my mental health. It takes the focus away from things which can help me right now.

That's why my finances aren't a priority atm -- I'm only just beginning to realise that my life is worth living. I need to focus on living it, rather than cutting out every fun activity in favour of repaying my debt. I'm lucky that I owe all my debt to my parents, so the interest rate isn't affected by how long I take to pay. When I have obsessed over trying to pay it off asap (which, given my low income, doesn't make much difference to repaying it at a comfortable pace), my depression got worse and I tried to kill myself. This pattern repeated itself over and over, right up to Xmas last year. And as I pointed out to my mum, if I kill myself, my parents are left with my debt -- so I'm more of a burden dead than alive.

Sorry for this morbid discussion, but the upshot is that I need to learn to enjoy my life and manage my mental health so that I will be able to support myself in future.

AspiringButAnxious

Finally updated my loan info in my sig !!!8212; haven't repaid much, but it's double what it previously said! May is going to be an expensive month, because my website renewals are due, I want to enter several writing comps and I owe my mum for recent expenses (including new glasses, which I forgot about until I got a text saying they are ready...). Got a low interest rate on cc until November, so trying not to stress about having a balance again.

Since my mum hasn't told me what I owe her from shopping, I repaid the remaining £80 I borrowed from my fun fund. It's now £130 -- a long way off covering the Arvon course, so need to save another £440. I could raid my rdf if need be, but I'd rather not.

Had a great weekend: went on a couple of runs outside and spent a lot of time reading/studying in the sunshine. Felt a bit low (well, lower than usual) yesterday, because I managed to relax for a few days and forget my troubles so going back to the normal routine brought the stress back. I was pretty productive though -- blogged, entered a short story comp, researched places to submit stories and worked on a new short story.

Just feel like I could really use a "win" asap. While my life is better than it has been, it feels like I'm putting in a lot of effort and not getting results. Even my weight loss has stalled.

AspiringButAnxious

Got accepted as a writer on Copify today. The pay isn't great, but a little better than the previous content mill I tried. I will see how it goes -- spent 2 hours and 20 mins on a webpage today, which will earn me £9 if/when approved. On the bright side, I enjoyed today's assignment and you just accept assignments when you want them, so there's no bidding process taking up time without guarantee that you will get the assignment.

Assuming there are no issues with getting paid (unlike the cv company...), it's a way to earn a little cash. With short stories, you just have to submit (often paying for comps and, increasingly, reading fees for lit mags) and hope you get some money. Of course, the potential for earning more in the future is higher for fiction, as every story boosts my portfolio and may eventually lead to a collection (I can dream!). I will have to think about how to divide my time, especially when I get to grips with the Copify work. Hopefully, if all goes well and my mental health improves, I can increase my hours.

Other good news today: lost another lb after no change for 12 days, which felt like ages!

AspiringButAnxious

So, my first Copify order got approved -- with 5 star feedback Have done 2 more orders today, totalling £12 for 2.5 hours of work (if approved). I sped up a bit, as they were webpages for the same client with some similarities in the topic, so did the first 400 word assignment in 90 minutes and the second in an hour. Hopefully there will be no problems and I will be able to claim my first payment soon (there's a £10 minimum).

Paid my mum rent and covered the cost of my glasses today. Still owe her just over £100 for shopping and dog food... Also paid all but £12 of my cc balance, though my most expensive website renewal is due any day now, so that will add £95.

Trying to write like crazy so I can enter short stories in upcoming comps/submissions windows before the deadlines. It's expensive, but the potential benefits of prize money and/or publicity outweigh the entry fees. Even getting long listed for a prestigious comp can make a huge difference and since I want to start approaching agents with my novel later this year, I need all the extra kudos I can get!

crazy_cat_lady

Sounds like all is going well at the moment ABA - congratulations on the excellent feedback in the new job as well.
Long may it continue.

reality_check

Well done on the new job! I think you do so well with all your outgoings and savings on a limited/unpredictable income. I can't even do that on a fixed one lol xx