I WILL get there!!

crazy_cat_lady

That is absolutely fantastic! :j:j:j

Tinkerbelle2000

Hi Kirsty

Sorry I've been MIA while you've had so much carp going on. I've been in a bit of a dark place and didn't want to do anything at all

I haven't even updated my diary yet. I've just been catching up on everyone else's.

How fantastic that you have paid so much off already. I'm so pleased for you.

Also happy belated 30th hunnie.

Take care.

Tink xx

kirtsypoos

Thanks CCL, I'm pretty pleased with it Good to see your name pop up, hope you're ok

Tink! I'm so pleased to hear from you - I've been worried. I hope you're in a better place now, speak to you soon hopefully

K xx

crazy_cat_lady

I'm doing ok thanks. A bit up and down but that's probably how I'll always be. Only truly comfortable if there's some sort of crisis going on

Tinkerbelle2000

I'm getting there now thanks Kirsty. Taken me a while but coming back on here has helped me refocus. Must stay this time.

I really hope things are ok with you Hun.

Take care.

Tink xx

kirtsypoos

Glad you're ok CCL - I've subscribed to your new diary as like a twit I'd read it and not subscribed and then kept wondering why you weren't popping up on my notification list and if you were ok :wall:

Tink, it's so easy to get disheartened when your mood is low, but we are all here to support you so onwards and upwards you go

Things are actually going pretty well at home at the moment. Things certainly aren't forgotten or brushed under the carpet but I'm staying hopeful - otherwise what's the point?

Debt is still going in the right way - should hit 4 figures at the end of August so I'm looking forward to seeing that

Natwest loan is officially paid off and is even in credit obviously my workings out of the part payment interest were not right at all....need to get onto them to get that little bit refunded so it can go straight off MBNA card.

Having a bit of a difficult time at work - my boss is still woefully uncaring about time off - went to a friends hen do on Saturday and he text me. I reminded him that it was a) the weekend and b) I wasn't available but still received 4 more texts and 3 emails....

OHs best friend returned on Sunday having been away for 2 weeks. Honestly it was lovely just to have a few days to ourselves at the end of the week so I was very stroppy when he turned back up. Feel mean about it now - apparently they've had a chat and keep asking me what they can do so we will see how long they keep that up....

Hope everyones week is going well

Tinkerbelle2000

You are so brave sharing your house with oh's bf. Especially when things aren't 100%. I hope he is at least looking for a job.

Take care.

Tink xx

kirtsypoos

Thanks Tink.

As annoying as some parts are he isn't too much of a problem....until I start to think about it! It's just like having 2 children so good practice for the future hopefully! :rotfl:

He is looking for a job so fingers crossed that's sorted soon :cool:

I didn't have to chase Natwest after all - logged onto internet banking today and found the loan closed and the overpaid amount refunded into an account I rarely use (I switched my main account to halifax for the switching bonus) :T

kirtsypoos

I am getting worse and worse at updating my diary! Will have to make a concerted effort to keep it updated more regularly.

Not that there is really much to update - had my friends baby shower last night which was a buffet at hers, so I made flapjacks to take out of ingredients in the cupboard (cheap and easy) so NSD yesterday.

OH and his mate were in the garden for 6 hours digging out the roots of the bushes we chopped down last week...or trying to anyway. One took 4 hours! So they managed to get 2 done - only 4 more to go

Still paying down the debt, can't wait until payday so I can make a payment which will bring me under the 10K mark, I'm literally counting down the days... 2 weeks to go!

PositiveBalance

Hi Kirsty,

I have just spent hours reading your diary the whole way through. What you have managed to achieve in a year is literally gobsmacking, especially considering the fact that you have moved house and had some serious health issues. Well done you! :T

Here are the bits that really jumped out at me:

kirtsypoos wrote: »

Had an appt with my new gynae yesterday, hence not being around last night - I was gutted. I won't be seeing him again. He basically said there are a few symptoms which in his words 'medical school taught me aren't related to endometriosis' even though every endometriosis awareness site and support group lists them as symptoms. He said my pain can't be related to my endo as I get bloated (called endo belly by the support groups) and that can only be caused by my bowel. Told me to go to the toilet more often and eat more fibre :mad:
He didn't even look at the scan results and when I mentioned PCOS to him, he said oh well that's not causing your pain.

Cheeky *!?@£%* barstweard! :mad: Don't get me started on many doctors in cases like this! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad::mad:

kirtsypoos wrote: »

I called relate last night about counselling sessions but I'm not sure we can afford it - actually, I know we can't, but I don't know if we can afford not to if that makes sense?

Kirsty, this will be the best money you ever spend. If it pushes your DFD back by a year, it would still be worth it. In fact, I would half-suggest you getting some individual sessions away from your OH to help you see the wood from the trees in this situation and help you figure out if you really, really want to carry on this relationship and for this man to ultimately become the father of your children (all things working out as you would like). This is absolutely life-defining stuff. You have bought a house together and if you ever decide to split you will be able to sell it. If you have children together, you will be tied for life.

Kitten868 wrote: »

It always feels much easier to stay with a person and fix them.

Alas, Kitten, we cannot fix other people – they have to want to change themselves. They are not houses to be done up. It is a tempting mindframe, though

kirtsypoos wrote:

I've decided to concentrate on what I really want from life - to be happy, with a child or two, in a happy home - none of that is going to be helped by taking on more stress at work for little extra money. I hope I'm making the right decision

I think you have figured out your meaning of life. Ask yourself which steps you take from hereon in contribute to that and potentially detract from it. Only take the ones that get you to where you want to be.

kirtsypoos wrote:

ABA, That's the point I have gotten to. My job is fairly well paid but when I stop and calm down I realise I actually really enjoy it, so I'm concentrating on that for now. I've spent a long time thinking that when I'm DF I can step down from management but the truth is am good at it and I like it, I just need to learn to reduce my stress levels.

To be fair, your job sounds absolutely horrendously stressful. Really bad. Your bosses appear to have absolutely no regard for your welfare and place massive demands on you outside of your already long workday. Expecting you to take a work phone on holiday? !!!!!!! :mad:

kirtsypoos wrote:

Just had a call from work too (no such thing as off sick according to my boss)

See above. Could it be that you have worked there for so long that you have got used to this sort of behaviour and think it's part of the course? This seems completely out-of-order to me.

kirtsypoos wrote:

Work is absolutely horrendous and this morning I seriously considered calling the other job people and begging them to re-offer it to me. I think I've made the right choice in the long run, but right now I am very close to breaking point

I know that changing your job might not be the utmost priority right now, but perhaps it would be something worth considering in the mid-long term future? Good managers are hard to find and if you are as good at your job as I think you probably are, any company would be lucky to have you...and hopefully would treat you better.

Also, please absolutely DO NOT underestimate the effect of stress on your fertility levels. I have noticed with several ladies I know who have had problems conceiving that high stress levels have basically not been able to conceive due to lots of stress wreaking havoc with their reproductive systems. One took a 6 week round-the-world trip and went back home pregnant. The other still works for the same company and utterly domineering boss who took great pleasure in making her life as stressful and unpleasant as possible while she was undergoing IVF after the lady in question had had a word with us saying that the doctors had told her that she had to try to avoid stress as much as possible. It didn't work, and given the horrible atmosphere at that particular office, I doubt she will get pregnant as long as she works there. And having a child is literally everything to her.

If you are likely to want to start trying for a child, you may want to try to find work in a less stressful environment. I know it sounds daft, but I've seen enough incidences to make me think that there is a link.

If you are looking to deal better with stress, have you considered yoga? I have similar problems to yourself (but not to the same extent as you) and a couple of months after I started I just noticed that horrible period pains etc. had vanished. (Plus all my wibbly bits have toned up nicely! ) It might not work quite as much for you, but it might be worth a go?

kirtsypoos wrote:

I've massively neglected my diary, for one major reason - my own judgements

At the moment I am leaning towards giving it another go, but with some big changes. It has been suggested to me by a very close friend that I am enabling his behaviour by allowing him to keep it a secret and not have to face up to what he has done as I've always rolled over and gone back to him.
In some ways this isn't much different, as I am verging on trying again and I feel like everyone thinks I should leave - which I possibly should but I'm not quite there at the moment.

There are some differences. I kept it a secret from most people as I felt ashamed and humiliated, and I didn't want people to think badly of him. This time when I left I actually went to my parents and was in an absolute state by the time I got there so there was no hiding it. They know everything that has gone on, with nothing hidden or spun in a nice way. Probably not the way I would have planned it, but when I left I genuinely thought there was no going back so what did it matter if they knew.

I am very concerned that I might be being too positive and setting myself up for another heart break but the truth is I am just not ready to call it quits. I believe in him, and I believe we can get through this. I just need him to put the work in to prove me right.

This is so very difficult to read. I really feel for you. Please consider the following points (but make your own mind up, of course):

1. Is loving someone who is engaging in behaviour that is destroying your high regard of them and your own self-belief (see the first sentence I highlighted above) enough for you?
2. Do you honestly think that you will be able to trust him again or will part of you always have your lady-antennae buzzing for signs of potentially similar behaviour?
3. If you think that you would always be a little suspicious, if this a state of being you would be happy to be in for the rest of your relationship?
4. Where do your boundaries lie in this relationship? What would your OH have to do to make you leave for good?
5. Having a child is clearly a HUGE deal breaker for you: ask yourself if your desire to start trying for a child so great that you are happy/prepared to overlook behaviour that you might otherwise not be happy with in a partner that it outweighs the fear of waiting the time it takes to try to meet someone else, settle down with them and *then* start trying and maybe running out of time?
6. If you tried for a baby with your current OH but for some reason couldn't have a child with him, would you want to still stay with him without a child, or would you feel that at this point you should have left him and moved on? (Hard to figure what you might feel in the future, I know.)
7. Is the tick of your biological clock so loud that it is drowning out the alarm bells that are clanging in the background or do you know that this guy is The One you want to make babies with for sure and you just need to work on some issues before you get to that point? Is he Mr Right or Mr Right Now?
8. If for whatever reason having a biological baby of your own is not a possibility whether you stay with your current OH or not, what would you like to do instead? Adopt, foster, be a great aunt/godmother, nothing or something else?
9. ' I just need him to put the work in to prove me right'. Is he doing that now? Whether yes or no, is it enough for you and to save the relationship from your point of view? If not, how does that make you feel? Is it a question of being proven right? Do you think he believes in you as his partner and potential mother of his children? Does he believe in your relationship so much that he's prepared to fight for it?

Please understand that I don't have the answers to any of the above questions but I hope that in considering them yourself it may help you to make the types of decisions you are likely to need to make now.

Just one more thing: your OH is likely to agree to all sorts of things now as he has done something 'wrong' and is trying to make amends. He hasn't been able to stick to some of them already. There is chance that he may agree to start trying for a child with you sooner than he is ready as he knows it is the one thing you really, really want. Try to use your bat senses to make sure that if he agrees to this that he is doing it for the right reasons, not cos he feels that he should do it to say sorry for his recent behaviour as there is a chance that he is simply not ready to try for children yet, even if he loves you and wants to please you. That it likely to lead to heartache for all three of you, should it be successful.

Please really, really consider getting some separate counselling for you so that you can work out what YOU really want from this.

And keep us up-to-date as you go – you're a blummin' marvel to do as much as you have done in all the different areas of your life. My head has spun just reading your diary!