I WILL get there!!

kirtsypoos

Wow PositiveBalance.

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to read through my ramblings - I'm not sure I made sense at some points but thanks for sticking with it!
Secondly, Thank you so much for some very valid points. I don't know if I have answer to some of your points myself, but it will be good for me to sit down and take in a comprehensive outside outlook.

Having spoken to OH I think that in the longer term I will look to move into a less stressful position. At the moment I'm loathe to do so until I'm closer to being DF because a drop in salary will have quite an impact on my DF date.
In terms of having children, we actually talked about it yesterday funnily enough, and we are both in the same page in that a baby is not a band aid, and we need to be sure of ourselves as a couple before we bring any other life into the World.
I have been wondering for a while whether my biological clock is overshadowing what I actually want, and I don't know if I'll know the answer to that without a long hard think.

I just want to say thank you again, I probably bury my head in the sand far too much and I need some tough love occasionally!

I have looked up yoga classes near to me and I think I'll go along and try it - there's nothing to lose in giving it a go

On another note, I actually received a call from the hospital asking me to have another consultation with the gynae - I've asked them to call me back and confirm whether I can see someone different as I'm not remotely impressed at the thought of going back to him!

kirtsypoos

Hi all,

I'm not in a good place at the moment. I've spent 2 days thinking none stop about what to do, and had a chat with a very harsh friend. The outcome is that last night I finished with OH. I feel completely numb. I immediately felt like it was the wrong decision but what's done is done, I can't mess us both around changing my mind. It's not fair.

I can feel my old shop and eat for comfort coming back on with a vengeance, it's my only coping mechanism. Not a bad thing since a number of years ago, self harm was the weapon of choice and I would rather get a bit fatter and have an extra bit of debt to pay off than have any more scars but I'm scared.
Scared of my own mental state, of how OH is. I know eventually we will both be fine. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry for the miserable miserable post but I can't bring myself to be anything but at the moment.

Bobarella

Oh gosh Kirsty that is dramatic news. What made you make that choice?

kirtsypoos

I don't know to be honest Bob. I had been thinking non stop and swinging between working on it and finishing it, mainly because of things my friend and my mom had said. It was going well but we both have issues with our relationship and I think I paid too much attention to everyone else's opinions. And then I had a really bad day at work, got home and his friend had done nothing around the house and still hasn't paid anything and I just lost it.

I decided that him letting his friend be disrespectful to our home and our life was a slight against me, and that he should have sorted it.

Right now I feel like I let the anger I felt because of everything going on elsewhere take the forefront and I just said enough. I'm devastated.

I'm not saying it's completely the wrong decision at the moment. It's too early to tell, I just think I made it for the wrong reasons.

Bobarella

Well I think you have been very brave. Whether its right or wrong you picked a direction and went in it. That is very admirable. Some people end up doing nothing for 30 years then wondering where their life went.

juliejim

Hugs Kirsty! Keep chattering away on here - there's normally someone about to talk to.

Jue

kirtsypoos

Thank you Bob and Jue.

My head is swimming so I'm not sure how much sense my ramblings will make but I'll give it a go.

We have agreed to have a couple of says to let it sink in until we talk about the practicalities - the house, car etc and I think we both need that.

We were in such a state last night that we could barely speak so nothing was ever going to be decided about the house etc.

I'm out for a friends birthday tonight so he will have the house to himself, give him chance to let it sink in a bit.

We haven't told anyone yet apart from his best friend. I can't seem to get the words out and I know I can't hold it together talking about it so it's best not to mention it I think.

Bobarella

Hope your night out helps.

crazy_cat_lady

Lots of love to you Kirsty. You know we're all here for you... And you're right, a bit of spending and eating is ok. A break up is a horrible, long grieving process. Some days you'll be ok, some days you won't. Some days you'll feel like you're moving on, others you'll wonder if you're doing the right thing. Just be kind to yourself and take days, hours or minutes at a time - do whatever is right for you.
Hope that the night out has been good.

Kitten868

Oh Kirsty. I'm sorry. Like you say it will get easier but first it has to hurt like hell. I think maybe you know you made the right choice but feel like other people made it for you? I would try not to think about it. Don't torture yourself.
How about some Kirsty life goals? Girly holiday or ride a camel? Becoming debt free still sounds like my favourite. It will be OK at some point xxxx