I WILL get there!!

kirtsypoos

Thanks Bob, that little milestone was enough to pull me out of the doldrums for a few days!

Orange_Ena

Sorry to hear of your health issues Kirsty. I know what you mean about appointments, I'd rather go alone and not make a fuss, or have the other person make me more nervous!

Great debt busting going on, really amazing stuff :T

kirtsypoos

Thanks Ena, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I have told him but to my surprise he didn't even mention coming with me, which (completely irrationally, as is usual for me) annoyed me :rotfl: poor bloke can't win!

We sat and updated his CV last night and he applied for a new job which is more money, less hours and closer to home. Fingers tightly crossed for him, I really want him to start to feel better about work etc (partly selfishly as he can't help but bring his day home at the moment, and it makes me down too)

kirtsypoos

I am massively struggling at the moment and I don't really know how to explain it or how to pick myself up.
Another very close friend announced over the weekend that she is pregnant and it's just too much for me to compute - I have completely lost control of my emotions and mind. Within one week 2 of the people closest to me have announced pregnancies and I am like a toddler stamping my feet and throwing toys shouting about life not being fair.

I got home from London yesterday (went to see the Lion King - amazing) and just felt awful. No motivation to go anywhere or do anything except lie in bed and cry. Called my mom because all I wanted was a mommy cuddle (at almost 30, I need to grow up) and she ended up crying with me so then I felt bad for upsetting her.

I had the docs again this morning and OH asked me to talk to them about counselling, which I did but the Doc looked at my history and asked me to come back next week for an infertility appointment which upset me even more! She said it was so I could get all the facts and figures and really understand the impact of time but I feel even worse now.

The Doctor advised me that I'm too stressed, blood pressure through the roof which I think is a combination of all the above, and work. Which at the moment is awful. I got back from the Docs and went straight in with our Director and promptly burst into tears. We have agreed that I will not be taking my work phone home of an evening or weekend for a few weeks, and see how I get on. I think it's just another thing on top of everything else, and at the moment is the straw breaking this camels back.

Sorry this is such a down post but I'm really struggling to be upbeat.

hedgesparrow

Oh Kirsty, I don't think you should beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. I think your feelings are completely natural. It is what it is, don't try to push the feelings away. Be kind to yourself. Cry when you need to cry. I think not taking your work phone home is a very good idea.

Did the doctor say a definite no to counselling, or just try to placate you with the other appointment? I think I would be tempted to push again for counselling. Does your work have any sort of Employee Assistance Programme that you could get counselling through?

kirtsypoos

Thanks HS.

It wasn't a definite no, I think she just wanted more time with me to go through how and why I'm feeling like I am (probably the dreaded depression questionnaire!)

I think one thing that really isn't helping is that I've had a dream over and over again recently - that the docs tell me it's now or never and OH runs a mile because he isn't ready. I know that sounds overdramatic but is a very real possibility knowing his reaction to stress and feeling pushed into something.

I keep wondering if maybe the worst thing we could have done was buy the house. I love him, and he loves me but my ticking timebomb puts a lot of extra pressure on both of us, which is very difficult to handle.

We don't have any kind of Assistance programme and I'm loathe to spend money on anything other than PADs but if I carry on like this and the counselling waitlist is long I will have to think long and hard.

Sorry again. I'll try and be cheerier.

theimpossiblegirl

Hi Kirsty

I have read your whole diary in admiration and willed you on all the way - was delighted you were able to buy your house! I don't think it was a mistake that you and your OH bought it together, he seems to be on the same page as you and you're both heading in the right direction.

I really feel for you about the baby thing - it's completely understandable that you feel the way you do, it's such a stressful thing to have on your mind. I have always wanted children and at the age of 35 it is now something that I worry about constantly! Look after yourself as best as you can while you feel so rotten.

Sending you big hugs
tig xxx

Kitten868

Hello sweetie,

Poor you! Two in a week. For me it was Princess Kate. I fell pregnant at the same time as her first time dd1 was born the month after George. When she fell for Charlotte and I was told I couldn't have any more children it crushed me. She gets bloody everything!!! More than everything she got time.
It would be so great to be pregnant with your friends have a baby the same age and share in the joy. Maybe you can time their second with your first?
Do you think you need to talk to him?
I've been in a lot of pain recently and it's nowhere near as bad as it gets so I understand that too. X

kirtsypoos

Thank you for your kind words tig! It's such a mind boggle this getting older with so much left to achieve malarkey.

I've given myself a bit of a kick up the backside tonight and tried to put a brave face on so OH isn't coming home to me crying yet again.

I told him about the Docs earlier, sometimes I really underestimate him. I think I just worry because there's so much he wants to achieve and I know that having a family is more my dream than his, but he could walk away and still have kids in 5-10 years time. If only it was that easy for me!

He just sat and let me talk and cry (tried not to, but that tap is on again) he asked if I wanted him to come to the infertility appointment but I'd rather do this one by myself for now. He can't get the time off but my mom will come with me if I ask her. I just want to get my head around the info without worrying about his reaction. Does that sound really selfish?

He knows that it will be 2 years or less before I want to start trying and he seems to be ok with it at the moment.

I know buying this house is the best thing we could have done, I just let everything else get to me. I really need to work on that. Not judging where I'm at by other peoples lives.

That's a good idea Kitten - then at least there can still be playdates hope your pain isn't too bad - is it your normal endo pain? Hugs x

Bobarella

Kirsty you are such a lovely person. You deserve every good thing that's for sure. I so hope you get your wish.