I WILL get there!!

kirtsypoos

Kitten, I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind!

Today has been the most mixed day I've had in a while. I'm petrified that people may know me in RL so I can't say too much but I'm not in a very good place tonight mentally.

I've met up with someone very close to me today who, very unexpectedly told me they are pregnant. I do not begrudge anyone getting pregnant, I'm so happy for friends and family alike but this one has really hit me like a bolt out of the blue and I've spent tonight on the sofa crying.

I just feel so low right now, I know that if it's meant to be it will happen but I am so scared it will be too late and I'll regret it, but I can't do anything about it at the moment. And OH is nowhere near ready to even think about trying yet.

Sorry for my down post. I'm just really struggling with this one. I'm going to go to bed and hope I'm a bit brighter in the morning.

Please don't think I'm a horrible person for this one - I didn't let on to the person how upset I was and I am so very happy for them. I just thought it would be me before them if that makes sense.

Orange_Ena

Aww Kirsty, hugs :grouphug:

I'm not sure there's anything I can say to make you feel better but just wanted to pop in a give you a hug. It's hard when friends get married or have kids or buy houses when you're not quite there yourself, it's bound to make you think about your own plans. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

Take care

Kitten868

You are not horrible! How are you horrible? You are normal I promise. And you're getting there. He's on the same page with you.
I am horrible. I sometimes get upset with the women that don't find out til they try to concieve and can't as I get so angry that I have to have all the pain and they don't. Then I get angry for the women that they're having to face this awful, awful problem too.
You just have more things to do first and that's ok. You have your appointment coming up and then you'll be better prepared for where you stand. For some reason your more fertile after surgery?! You're not having a baby right now but you're getting baby's dad ready and preparing financially while he gets there. And getting your home ready. It's all steps towards it.
Xxxx

Strictly_Serious

Hi Kirsty, just wanted to echo what others have said about being 'horrible'. My mom couldn't get pregnant (my brother and I are adopted) and she used to tell me how she felt about friends' announcements (I think there was a veiled warning to me not to leave it too late!) and there were lots of tears involved. Forty one years on and she still feels it when I tell her about friends having IVF even though everyone I know has been successful eventually (very different world to the Seventies!!). She is one of the most caring and selfless people in the world, very much how you come across. It's 100% a natural reaction so please don't beat yourself up about it xx

crazy_cat_lady

Good Lord missus, you are absolutely NOT a horrible person. You are a perfectly normal human being going through a difficult experience, and it's hard seeing people getting the thing that you want most in life.
I had a miscarriage in between having my two, and I used to look at pg women just after it had happened and break my heart. To be honest, I would wonder what was up if pregnancy didn't upset you. Just remember it's ok to feel down and to be jealous. They are normal reactions.
Just as a little aside - does your oh know how much this is getting to you?
Lots of love to you.

kirtsypoos

Thank you all so much for your lovely words, for not thinking I'm horrible, and for sharing your own stories with me. I'm very grateful to have such supportive people on here.

I'm still not 100% today and have broken down 4 times so far at work, not ideal but I can't seem to stop the flow - I'm like a tap that can't be turned off at the moment.

I am jealous. I feel horrible saying it, but there it is. It made me feel even worse that when she told a few other people, those people then rang me to check I was ok and I felt terrible. The most exciting news in her life shouldn't be overshadowed by her or others worrying about how I feel.

She was golden in how she went about telling me though, made sure I was on my own and it was face to face and was just lovely. Which in turn made me feel even worse.

OH had the lovely job of holding me while I cried for hours last night and until I went to sleep. He's been brilliant but I think the strength of my emotions about it has shocked (and possibly worried) him. Although it has scared me too so he's not alone in that!

I decided to try and make myself feel better by PADing more than I budgeted for (egg on toast for the next few days, oops ) so I could hit a couple of milestones (30% paid on mbna and 40% total debt paid)

On a different note I had my hair coloured (for free - xmas present!) and she cut and curled it for me - I feel very Farrah Fawcett at the moment, all curls and bounce! I'll never be able to recreate it but I love it! OH was saying lovely things too. Partly to make me stop crying but it was nice that he liked it.

I'm going to try and get the lid back on my emotions now - it's one thing to be crying at home but to bring it to work is so not me! Back to the grindstone now, breaks over!

Kitten868

You've opened the box it's hard to close it. Make a plan for going forward so you feel resolved and less lost x

TheMillions

Hello and good morning, just wanted to pop by and let you know that I read your entire diary last night, took almost 4 hours and was such a good read.. I was willing you on when you were going through the mortgage application, so glad you found the house, got the mortgage, moved in X that all happened in a couple of hours for me reading through but I sure felt the emotions along the way from your diary.

So well done for everything you have done, your POWER debt busting and PADs are amazing..

Keep up the good work and diary writing, I will be following with you

Have a good day x

kirtsypoos

I'm planning madly Kitten! I will get all this debt out of the way. I've recalculated the amount I can pay per month if I REALLY tighten my belt and my DFD is now August 2018 - 31 months away! Only problem is that I won't be able to sustain the extra payments as our company pension plan kicks in in July so will take the extra payments (and a bit more eventually :eek:) On the upside my parents still owe me for the CC they used, which they will pay me when my Dad gets his pension payout but i won't be able to access that until next year.

Thank you TheMillions, this is like a full life diary for me, rather than a DF one. I just tend to ramble! Thanks for reading, you must have the patience of a saint to get through it all in one sitting! The house all seems like a bit of a dream, even now. I'm sure I'll get used to the fact the house is ours (and the banks!) at some point, but it's not happened yet.

I'm feeling a bit better today and even started to get excited about a new little one. Looking at all the beautiful little outfits etc, I'm sure I'll find it hard to resist buying a couple of presents over the next 7 months!

This next bit is a bit too much information, so please skip it if you're squeamish or just generally don't want to hear about my ailments! :rotfl:
I've got the doctors today to talk about a few things. I've had a strange lump come up on the bank of my hand which I'm told is a ganglion but it's rock hard and I'm starting to get pins and needles down my fingers so I think it might be pressing on a nerve. I need them to review all my medications (might take a while!) and I'm hoping they will help me do something about my weight. I've lost 7.5lbs but I'm almost out of my meal replacement shakes (to be honest I've only been having 2 a day and then a meal in the evening anyway for the past week) and I need to look longer term or I'll just pile it back on and more. Lastly but the main reason for the appt is that I've got a strange mark come up on my breast which is slightly freaking me out. On Friday night it was a little painful but there was nothing there, when I woke up on Saturday morning there was what looked like a big blood blister which has now turned into a black scab (sorry for TMI, it's just stressing me a little)

Still looking at holidays with OH. Think I'm driving him mad though as I just cannot decide! I want to go everywhere, it's so hard to choose! and I want to choose well as it's a special holiday for me so I'm constantly checking reviews etc and then putting myself off places :rotfl:

I slightly miscalculated payday as I thought it was tomorrow and it's actually Thursday but the house account is still healthy so I'm off to get stuff for batch cooking after work as we are down to 3 meals in the freezer...oops!

Hopefully I'm back on the straight and narrow with my emotions for now. I'm sure there will be a few breakdowns in the coming months but I'm going to try and control them as best I can - at least until I' on my own or with OH. No-one else needs to know about my rollercoaster of tears and hysterical laughter!

Bobarella

Thinking of you Kirsty. Big hugs.