Why do people think less of a couple who aren't married?

coolcait

duchy wrote: »

I don't get them either ...favours and skirts for chairs and entire colour schemes in the church and sweet buffets to me seem especially odd- but it's not my wedding so I don't really care -Everyone has different tastes - be bloody boring if we all liked the same things

As for commenting on if a meal was dire - I wouldn't comment at a dinner party if the meal was awful either. I was raised that as a guest it would be rude to your host to do so and if it was genuinely inedible to just push it around my plate . If someone has gone to the trouble of cook/paying for =a meal for me -even if it has all gone wrong there's no need to humiliate the host . Whether it's an aquaintance , a friend or a family member. The intentions were good .

To me it's just basic manners......Am I really so out of step in believing that ?

Or, to turn around the BIB, if someone has gone to the trouble, and expense, attending an event which includes a meal - why shouldn't they expect that meal to be edible?


Especially if the event is being held in a beautiful, but remote, location, and there is no other easy way to get an alternative meal.


I think that your comparisons fall down because you are still viewing the food at the wedding as 'a free meal'. It isn't.


It's also not very good manners to suggest that people only attend weddings for the fabled 'free meal'.

duchy

No-one forces them to accept an invitation and frankly anyone who thinks they are doing the bride and groom a favour by gracing their wedding with their prescence has a rather over inflated sense of self importance. To try and ruin someone's wedding day by been audiably rude in the hearing of the wedding party because they didn't like one or more aspects of it is hardly normal behaviour. Why would anyone want to do that to someone who invited them to share their day and provided hospitality. (I actually don't regard it as a "Free meal" but Barry seemed to -but then I don't regard attending a wedding and any expense involved as a chore-If I didn't like/know the bride and groom enough to be happy to spend money travelling to this fictious remote location you are imagining (not sure where that came from !) and giving them a gift- then I'd decline - not try to hijack their special day with a miserable and resentful attitude. It's a wedding *invitation* not a command especially if it's someone you appear to resent daring to have a wedding that isn't right on your doorstep and pandering to your likes and dislikes.)

Some people are just drama lamas and have to be the centre of attention I suppose though so wouldn't think it was wrong to try and spoil someone else's special day with moaning and attention seeking.

This thread started with someone asking "Why do people think less of you if you are unmarried" Maybe it's a respect thing-If people are disrepectful of the choice to marry (and behave badly at the celebration) why would there be any respect for them (assuming it's unmarried people who've not gone through the effort, expense and stress or organizing a wedding themselves so don't appeciate how their hosts would feel if it goes wrong or guests are unappreciative of their efforts to create a special day ?

I do have a friend who wasn't invited to a mutual friend's wedding because she had slagged off another friend's wedding the year before and the bride didn't want her doing it at her wedding too- and to be honest who could blame her.

Gloomendoom

coolcait wrote: »

Or, to turn around the BIB, if someone has gone to the trouble, and expense, attending an event which includes a meal - why shouldn't they expect that meal to be edible?

I don't think I have ever been to a wedding where the hosts intentionally served up inedible food. Why add to their stress and embarrassment by openly moaning and whinging about it?

It's just bad manners.

fairy_lights

BarryBlue wrote: »

As for "Why do we go?" - as I said our default is now to refuse all weddings unless there is a very good reason for going. By that I mean an informal register office do with a meal in a restaurant afterwards. No bridezillas, no church ceremonies, no country retreats with dodgy dinners. Oh, and definitely no sweet carts!

I went to a wedding a few months ago that had a sweet buffet, it was brilliant! The evening reception was adults only so there were no kids to get their grubby paws on the pic and mix, and I think most of the adults loved being able to unashamedly pig out on sweets.
By the end of the night a few very drunk guests were slumped in corners quietly chewing on strawberry pencils :rotfl:

seven-day-weekend

lulu_92 wrote: »

He's vague about it as he's not exactly going to tell me the details of him wanting to propose, is he?

He has the "spare time" to buy a ring but he is deciding to save all of his extra money so when we have a child they can have nice things. Plus he might be getting a better job but with less money (more career progression) so that's a factor.

There will never be the money for a fancy wedding once you have the children and a house. There will always be something that needs the money spending on it more urgently.

In thirty year's time when the children are grown up and the mortgage paid off, maybe, but certainly not in the first couple of decades.

seven-day-weekend

dirty_magic wrote: »

I don't think people really do take us less seriously tbh. My OH and I have been together for over 10 years, longer than everyone we know who is married, and we have a mortgage. People do drive him crazy at weddings/funerals/family parties etc and I can see him getting more closed off desperately trying to ignore them, but I don't think they see us as not serious.

I would like to get married, but my OH doesn't want to and while I do wind him up about it I'd rather him not bother than do it just because I want to, because then it really doesn't mean anything. He just genuinely doesn't see the point and he doesn't want to spend money on something that he thinks is pointless. I think a lot of men feel the same because some of my friends' husbands and fiances have admitted that they weren't fussed about getting married and did it for their wives. Our relationship wouldn't change and we don't plan on having kids.

Even if he did propose I don't think we'd be able to do it for the same reason as lulu92. I wouldn't spend a fortune but I would want a nice day and a meal with friends and family, and even small weddings add up. I'd rather spend the money on our house tbh.



I do wonder when I'll have to stop calling him my boyfriend. What age is too old to be boyfriend?! I hate partner but what's the alternative? :rotfl:

Get married and call him your husband. Otherwise he is your boyfriend or partner.

My son and his girlfriend have lived together for eight years and still call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. My son is 35. So I don't know whether he'll still be boyfriend when he's in his forties!

Hopefully (to me anyway) they will be married by then.

seven-day-weekend

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Been together 30 years.


Got married two weeks ago, took all of 10 minutes, only two witnesses.


Only did it for the legalities, do not feel any different than the last 30 years. Nothing has changed, feel no more committed, still a ms, kept my name, no one knows but the four of us and the registrars.


Life has gone on exactly the same, so there is no difference IMO.

I am attending the wedding in August of some friends who have been together for thirty years, have children and grandchildren and have now decided to make it legal. I'm really looking forward to it.

She has always called herself Mrs Hisname, so nothing will change there, either.

However, she is having a big white dress and bridesmaids and loads of guests. Don't blame her if that is what they want

lulu_92

It appears the quoting issue is just on this thread for me, who broke it?!

seven-day-weekend yes you're right, but I don't think I can justify spending the money on a wedding yet. I prefer to have a family and make sure they're looked after. If that means I don't have the funds to have the wedding I want right now then so be it. (plus my tastes might have changed and I might want a low-key do!)

Also, my mum's wedding to my step-dad occurred after they both had kids and it was perfect. Not too fancy but they didn't splurge on anything and didn't get into any debt doing it. Our wedding will be amazing because of what it will mean to us, so we don't really mind how it's done. We obviously have ideas of what we would like to do but we're fairly laid back about it.

Gloomendoom

lulu_92 wrote: »

It appears the quoting issue is just on this thread for me, who broke it?!

It works fine for me... so probably you.

BarryBlue

duchy wrote: »

No-one forces them to accept an invitation and frankly anyone who thinks they are doing the bride and groom a favour by gracing their wedding with their prescence has a rather over inflated sense of self importance. To try and ruin someone's wedding day by been audiably rude in the hearing of the wedding party because they didn't like one or more aspects of it is hardly normal behaviour. Why would anyone want to do that to someone who invited them to share their day and provided hospitality. (I actually don't regard it as a "Free meal" but Barry seemed to -but then I don't regard attending a wedding and any expense involved as a chore-If I didn't like/know the bride and groom enough to be happy to spend money travelling to this fictious remote location you are imagining (not sure where that came from !) and giving them a gift- then I'd decline - not try to hijack their special day with a miserable and resentful attitude. It's a wedding *invitation* not a command especially if it's someone you appear to resent daring to have a wedding that isn't right on your doorstep and pandering to your likes and dislikes.)

Some people are just drama lamas and have to be the centre of attention I suppose though so wouldn't think it was wrong to try and spoil someone else's special day with moaning and attention seeking.

I really don't know how you have concocted your imaginary vision of the wedding I referred to. You seem to have taken a few facts and twisted them into some scenario where the happy couple were being derided by dozens of people on their big day. As I said before, I wasn't aware you were there! Your description of the occasion bears not the slightest resemblance to what happened on that day. Also, why would you think it was a remote location? You do appear to be a complete fantasist.

As it happened we did not go for a "free meal" and because of the location had no great expectations of it being any good. But what do you say when ten people at a table don't get past the first mouthful. It becomes something of an elephant in the room. Nobody, as far as I know, made a comment to the couple, although they hardly needed to. I would say that since then we have been invited by that couple to a christening and some big-birthday bashes. We have politely declined them all, citing prior engagements.

We are not lovers of weddings anyway so that's why we routinely decline, and why we had a small private do ourselves. We don't see weddings as a big deal at all and we only got hitched for legal and financial reasons. Maybe some younger people do see it as important but plenty don't. There are far better things to be spending your money on when you are starting out in life and to us a lavish wedding is an utter waste of money.

lulu_92 wrote: »

It appears the quoting issue is just on this thread for me, who broke it?!

seven-day-weekend yes you're right, but I don't think I can justify spending the money on a wedding yet. I prefer to have a family and make sure they're looked after. If that means I don't have the funds to have the wedding I want right now then so be it. (plus my tastes might have changed and I might want a low-key do!)

Also, my mum's wedding to my step-dad occurred after they both had kids and it was perfect. Not too fancy but they didn't splurge on anything and didn't get into any debt doing it. Our wedding will be amazing because of what it will mean to us, so we don't really mind how it's done. We obviously have ideas of what we would like to do but we're fairly laid back about it.

This is exactly the point. Even if it doesn't mean a load of debt around their necks, £20k or so can be far better invested into setting up home than fancy weddings with all the overpriced nonsense that goes with it. (Put "wedding" in front of an item or service and you seem to double the price!)

Money wasn't an issue for us but we still had the wedding we wanted. No fancy do because it wasn't a big deal. That doesn't mean to say we didn't have a great time with the people we care most about. Being laid-back is definitely a plus where weddings are concerned.:)