A whole new world

belleandthebudget

I'm so mad! I just spent HOURS on a giant survey on MySurvey and completed it... then got an error message when it redirected me to the website. It didn't credit the 1500 points I had earned! Grrrrr!

Have put in a support ticket but I have no idea how responsive they are. If I don't get these points then I'm giving up on surveys. Not worth the hours of my life and finger-cramp.

belleandthebudget

I'm just not in a saving mindset at the moment. It all seems so hard and so unfair.

Which is silly because paying back money I borrowed is ultimately the fairest thing to do. I go on these binges where I just buy all the things I want and think: it's okay, this will last me forever! Then I feel bad and save for a bit before going on another little bender.

I've been thinking a lot about self-sabotage because I really think that's a big part of my problem (aside from the ADHD-type behaviour). I do exactly the same thing with health. I need to lose weight, not because of vanity (though there is that) but because I've been told outright by several medical professionals that it will help a health condition I have. Boom! Some instant relief from the daily pain.

But I don't do my daily physio exercises, I don't eat healthily, I cram as much junk food in as I can - and then I feel bad about it and make plans but I never execute the plans!

And I think deep down inside, I'm scared to. There are so many things that I say: oh, life will be great when I'm slim/healthy/debt-free. I'll do this that and the other. Men will flock to me. So will promotions.

But what if I do those things and then life isn't great and I'm still single and still having to live in a flatshare cause I don't earn enough for anything else in London?

In my head I know I would still be better off because my health conditions would be somewhat alleviated, I would be more confident, I would be rid of the stress that debt brings... yet I can't quite get passed that hurdle. That fear that what if it's me, what if it's not all the circumstances around me?

In the last few days I've spent around £20 on fancy stationery, £55.80 on new leather boots, £188 on luxury beauty and candles, and who knows how much on coffees, snacks, and lunches out.

What is wrong with me?

I'm surrounded by clutter, by too much stuff, and I'm buying more that I don't even need... just because I want it. It's like I'm trying to fill a hole that's not going to be filled by material stuff. If I read my own behaviour in another diary I would think that the person was deeply unhappy inside and trying to make up for it.

Maybe that's it? Maybe I just need to admit how unhappy I am with where I am/who I am. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I know EXACTLY what to do, but I just don't stick to it long enough to make any difference.

How do I spur myself into long-term changes? I want to make my life better, myself better, my mental health better. I don't want to be this obese, single, anxious introvert who can't even become a spinster with a cat because my flatshare won't allow it any more.

I don't expect you have have answers, buddies, this is more a despondent rant at myself... but if you have hugs to spare I will take them.

belleandthebudget

I'm still feeling pretty down. Have woken up feeling sick - queasy, sore throat - and I don't know if it's stress or one of the bugs going around my office.

Oh, can it please be the weekend now?

Itsa_Longshot

Awww, Belle!

The only hug smiley looks, umm, suspicious, so have a :hello: instead!

Just one more day to get through, then the weekend is here! :j

belleandthebudget

Okay, no more wallowing!

Here are the positive things that have been happening while I've been down in the dumps. My very dear friend got a new coffee maker and gave me her fancy old (barely used) one. It still retails for around £180 and does espresso and foamy milk - very swish.

Work has been good. Productive and interesting and I do really like the people I work with right now.

Exercise-wise, I went swimming on Monday, gym class on Wednesday and class tonight. So that's only Tuesday this week that I haven't done any exercise. Need to do my physio exercises but I'll start over the weekend to get back in the swing of it.

The community here is really wonderful and I feel so at home with you all. Knowing I have this great group of people for support and advice, people who'll never judge me, is such a relief.

Going to eat some tasty cheese on crackers and read a bit more of my book before bedtime. I might not hit the arbitrary time goals I've set for myself but I will beat this debt at some point because I'm not giving up! :j

Night, buddies!

crazy_cat_lady

I have a suggestion - but it is just a suggestion... CBT absolutely turned my life around. I was quite sceptical about it because I'd had counselling in the past which gave me a short term fix for my feelings, but CBT changed my thoughts and the way I deal with things. I would recommend it to anyone. There is some self help stuff you can look at online, and I could self refer to my local service which was brilliant. I am honestly like a different woman, and although I do slip occasionally I am way better than I used to be.

moneyonmymindsam

Hi Belle, Firstly that was a really brave and honest post - being brave and honest are two huge things that not many people posess.


Glad you enjoy books.


It's pretty natural to rebel against debt ...I think its just frustration...sticking with it is the hard part.


You have some great goals.


To be honest we don't judge ... I read the luxuries and thought maybe just having a tough time ...debt is not the be all and end all..... unless you let it...I agree just remember you still have a life in the now.


Your posts to others are always positive and you should be proud that you are so kind


I read ...If you clasp your bra at the back when putting it on your a supporter in life ...where as if you clip it up at the front and spin it round to hoick them in ...your an influencer ...I laughed when I read but I think its all to do with self belief rather than what way your "lady bit slinger" is put on...lol however each morning I'm now hoicking ...lol


Glad you are more cheery I just wanted to add rant away we are here for the good and the bad times... Some times is just good to get it out ... sometimes we all in the same boat and need to get out an extra paddle for support to get where we are going xxx



..................... Look how far you've come ...:T

daisymac

Belle my love DO NOT BE HARD ON YOURSELF!

You haven't failed you've wobbled! So you bought a few treats. Well life is short and nice things are nice.

You are strong you faced the total debt and its still there but you WILL do this.

Just rejig the spreadsheets and keep on trucking.

Facing weight and debt is hard I am so with you there I find it easier to focus on one thing at a time so weigh i am being vague and not eating snacks (mostly) and debti am focussed on to really dent it.

Lots of Friday cuddles. Welcome to the weekend xxx

Orange_Ena

Aww Belle, sorry to hear you're feeling a bit down.

I can totally identify with you when you say when I'm thin / debt free etc my life can start. Dealing with problems can be so overwhelming that it's so easy just to bury your head and forget it. And if there are a few problems, well, that's just extra hard. I've spent a long time being a morbidly obese, hoarding, withdrawn, indebted !!!!!!. And they're just my positives :rotfl:

I've spent a lot of time imagining 'my new life' but lately I've realised that I'm work in progress, we all are really. These issues and dealing with them is all part of the journey and it shapes the future us. I'm trying to be grateful for what I've got and to just relax and enjoy getting to the new me. Once I'm 'there' it'll no doubt throw up other issues. But I'll deal with them when and if they happen. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Sometimes, tackling one thing at a time is the best way, sometimes a 3 prong attack is the answer. I started focusing on losing weight about 18 months ago and that is ongoing. Once I had a bit more energy, I got a grip of my hoarding and had a massive clear out, which really helped. Some of those things went on eb@y which helped my debt decrease a little. I then had my 2nd LBM which is now my real focus, along with the weight. I've still got a lot to do in all areas but for me, things fell into place along the way, just naturally. I feel better than ever and because I'm in a better place, I'm spending less on !!!! trying to cheer myself up. Hell, I'm even going to start exercise which I never thought I'd say :rotfl: My whole life is changing and I'm not where I want to be.......yet.......but I'm on the way.

I'm not sure any of that is going to help at all.

Hugs xx

belleandthebudget

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate all your messages and encouragement.

A little update of what I've been up to:

1. Cleared out my cupboard, fridge, and freezer today and made an inventory of everything that was still good to use. Now I can Google for recipes that use the things I already have in.

2. Made a giant batch of bolognaise to go with spaghetti. I'll also make some lasagne rolls for the freezer with it to make the most of the batch. They're delicious and the only ingredient I don't already have is ricotta cheese.

3. Did a giant load of laundry and hung it up. Huzzah.

4. I have started organising and decluttering my wardrobe. I got a new ottoman for out of season clothes which fits perfectly on the floor of my built ins, with space on the top of them for baskets of t-shirts and neatly folded jeans.