14 year relationship coming to an end

VfM4meplse

Perfect_Circles wrote: »

Thank you for this. I made it clear to him the first time he did it that if it did happen again I would be gone. I must have "doormat" across my forehead

No you don't, you're just someone who's kind nature has been taken advantage of by a stupid arrogant man.

fairy_lights

Perfect_Circles wrote: »

what I do know: He started off with dating sites, that moved on to cam sites, then text messaging and phonecalls, and I know for a fact he met at the very least one person, what he did with that person I am not 100 per cent sure because he only told me small snippets of it, I do know that some form of sexual contact took place, I just do not know the full extent.

I know, I decided to forgive him. Now I just look back and think how stupid I have been to believe it wouldn't happen again.

Now it has happened again, not in person this time, it was all online, but I have to agree it does seem like a pattern with him now so I am best to just call it a day and try not to bother why he did it.

In my view that definitely counts as cheating, even if no sexual contact had taken place the intention and steps leading up to it would still have occurred. His behaviour progressed from remote contact to actually meeting up with someone so he can't even pass it off as a drunken mistake - it must have gone on over a period of time and he was fully aware of what he was doing, and that is extremely disrespectful to you.
If my partner did that I don't think I would ever be able to let it go, so it's very admirable that you were able to give him a second chance.
And then he goes and does it AGAIN?!
He doesn't sound like a very great guy to me.

FBaby

So when you talked a lot after the first event what did he say as to the reason why it happened in the first place ans what did you both agreed to work on to ensure it wouldn't happen again?

amistupid

Perfect_Circles wrote: »

Been with my partner for coming up to 14 years

Perfect_Circles wrote: »

A few years ago he did something that hurt me very much.

Perfect_Circles wrote: »

Things went back to normal when completely by chance two nights ago I found out he was doing the exact same thing again.

It looks like a couple of seven year itches with a bit of scratching in between.

ripplyuk

He's a cheater. I'd dump him immediately.

Dating sites and sexual 'contact' would be a definite deal breaker for me. I know it's much easier said than done but you've already given him another chance and he's proved he cannot be trusted. If you stay now, he will keep doing this.

AndyBSG

You are not a doormat at all.

Cheating places a huge strain on any relationship but if you love that person and feel the relationship is worth saving then you should try to forgive them.

However if they then repeat that mistake i'm afraid the writing is on the wall. Once can be forgiven, twice is habitual and shows that it will happen again in the future.

Maddybee33

For what it's worth (and I know it's not much) have my virtual hugs. I hope things look up for you, and he does open up. However, ask yourself if you do still love him, however much it hurts, and if it is actually worth all that pain.

If it's worth an extra step, maybe try asking him if he's willing to go to counselling in order to try to make amends. At the very least, this should hopefully get him talking and even if it doesn't work out, you might get some closure.

We all have different ways of handling things- if it was me, I'd like to say that we'd be able to talk it out, however, I'd probably be just as lost as you're probably feeling right now.
X

Perfect_Circles_2

Thank you all. Somebody asked about the living situation, it is his house. I moved in with him he already owned the house when we met so it would be me moving out.

I have a lot to think about thanks to some of the answers on this thread.

Also I have decided to show this thread to him later so he can see for himself the replies. I actually thought before I made the thread that everyone would have a go at me and call me stupid for forgiving him the first time it happened. I don't think I have it in me to forgive him again.

Thank you.

tara747

Perfect_Circles wrote: »

Thank you all. Somebody asked about the living situation, it is his house. I moved in with him he already owned the house when we met so it would be me moving out.

I have a lot to think about thanks to some of the answers on this thread.

Also I have decided to show this thread to him later so he can see for himself the replies. I actually thought before I made the thread that everyone would have a go at me and call me stupid for forgiving him the first time it happened. I don't think I have it in me to forgive him again.

Thank you.

You're definitely NOT stupid to have forgiven him once. Don't think that at all. You're a good person and he's abused your trust and forgiveness.

*relurks*

AndyBSG

Perfect_Circles wrote: »

Also I have decided to show this thread to him later so he can see for himself the replies.

I'm not sure that is a great idea TBH.

If my OH told me she had been discussing our relationship on a forum with complete strangers I don't know how i'd take that even if it was anonymous