14 year relationship coming to an end

Perfect_Circles_2

Been with my partner for coming up to 14 years, lived together for 10 years, engaged for two.

Overall the relationship was brilliant. No complaints from me in that respect. He is a great guy and despite what I am going to write I do love him very much and I truely wanted him to be the one I grew old with.

A few years ago he did something that hurt me very much. So much so that it completely changed the way I looked at him, it felt like I didn't know him anymore and I never would have thought in a million years he would have had it in him to even do it.

Long story short we talked. A lot. Believing we had worked things out we decided to give things another go. At the time of getting back together he promised he would never do anything like that again, that he was sorry for hurting me, he was ashamed of himself etc etc.

Things went back to normal when completely by chance two nights ago I found out he was doing the exact same thing again.

We are now at the point where we have both been in the same house for a few days. He seems to be giving me the silent treatment on and off. He says he wants to talk to me but is afraid to. Everything I ask him is met with an "I don't know" "I'm not sure" or "I can't answer that"

I'm not really sure what to do at the moment. All I want is for him to tell me why he hurt me again, Neither of us has space to think because I have nowhere I could stay for a few days on such short notice.

I feel like he is the one that messed up yet I am the one getting the silent treatment.

I asked outright if he does actually want to be with me and he said he does. So why won't he talk to me?

Just a bit lost and confused at the moment and don't really know where to go from here?

justme111

Sorry to hear that, must be very painful and confusing. I hear you saying you want to know why. You may never find out though as often people themselves don't realise the real reasons let alone are able to communicate them. You take silent treatment as a punishment but he is unlikely to mean it like that , he probably just does not know what to do or say. You do not need to do anything, if you feel you want space you may want to arrange for one of you to move out either temporary or until it is sorted.

mandragora_2

Defence mechanism - not deliberate, probably. Knows he's possibly on his way out - doesn't know what to do/say; wants the ground to swallow him up or to go back in time and not do whatever it was that he did do, but also, presumably, wants his cake and eat it too.

Whatever.

You're hurt. You're distressed. He's done whatever it was that destroyed you confidence and trust before once more. It's easy to say, and hard to do, I know, but don't spend too long worrying about his feelings or behaviour right at the minute. Just focus on your own.

What do you want in life? Where do you want to be a year from now? How do you want to be being treated ten years from now? Work out the answers to those questions, and then work out the steps that will get you there.

-taff

It wasn't about you, it was about him. He wanted to do whatever it was he did, and he didn't think you would catch him out, so he did it.

It's your choice what you do now, but don't stay with someone because you're scared of being alone. If he did this thing twice, it's always possible the pattern will repeat itself again in the future because whatever it was he did, it's something he thoight he'd try again, so the urge hasn't passed.

amistupid

Has he cheated?

Perfect_Circles_2

amistupid wrote: »

Has he cheated?

He came extremely close to doing, it is something along those lines. The reason I have not gone into so much detail is because the subject matter would be quite graphic to explain and I am not sure how to word it all on here.

Perfect_Circles_2

what I do know: He started off with dating sites, that moved on to cam sites, then text messaging and phonecalls, and I know for a fact he met at the very least one person, what he did with that person I am not 100 per cent sure because he only told me small snippets of it, I do know that some form of sexual contact took place, I just do not know the full extent.

I know, I decided to forgive him. Now I just look back and think how stupid I have been to believe it wouldn't happen again.

Now it has happened again, not in person this time, it was all online, but I have to agree it does seem like a pattern with him now so I am best to just call it a day and try not to bother why he did it.

VfM4meplse

OP, he won't talk to you because he is ashamed. Not necessarily because what he is doing is wrong, but because it was important enough that you have asked him not to do it before, and yet he continues to do so. What did he want more, a relationship with you or to carry on with whatever he was doing? He just didn't want to be caught doing it. It's called having your cake and eating it.

Use these periods of silence to think about what you really want, and the terms of your relationship. Can you, and would you put up with this behaviour or not? Because whether you know about it or it, it's not going to change.

Olive_Oyl

Perfect_Circles wrote: »

Been with my partner for coming up to 14 years, lived together for 10 years, engaged for two.

Overall the relationship was brilliant. No complaints from me in that respect. He is a great guy and despite what I am going to write I do love him very much and I truely wanted him to be the one I grew old with.

A few years ago he did something that hurt me very much.

Long story short we talked. A lot. Believing we had worked things out we decided to give things another go. At the time of getting back together he promised he would never do anything like that again, that he was sorry for hurting me, he was ashamed of himself etc etc.

Things went back to normal when completely by chance two nights ago I found out he was doing the exact same thing again.

He seems to be giving me the silent treatment on and off.

I'm not really sure what to do at the moment. All I want is for him to tell me why he hurt me again, Neither of us has space to think because I have nowhere I could stay for a few days on such short notice.

I feel like he is the one that messed up yet I am the one getting the silent treatment.

I asked outright if he does actually want to be with me and he said he does. So why won't he talk to me?

Just a bit lost and confused at the moment and don't really know where to go from here?

So sorry to say this but he's giving you the silent treatment because of his guilt & he will never tell you the reason why .. I'm not sure what he's done to you , but infidelity & domestic abuse spring to mind :Ax

Perfect_Circles_2

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Use these periods of silence to think about what you really want, and the terms of your relationship. Can you, and would you put up with this behaviour or not? Because whether you know about it or it, it's not going to change.

Thank you for this. I made it clear to him the first time he did it that if it did happen again I would be gone. I must have "doormat" across my forehead

bagpussbear

I don't think you were stupid to forgive him the first time. It is what felt the right thing to do at the time, so don't beat yourself up about that.

But he has proved that he is not the right man for you now, and you know you deserve better.

He is silent because he is ashamed, and doesn't want to start a conversation where, very likely, you will ask him to leave.

What's the housing situation, rented, mortgaged? Either way I think you should ask him to leave, being around each other is not a good thing for you at the moment. It may be the hardest thing for you to do, but you will be ok I promise.

Hugs.