cheating?

Dazedandconfused1

Hi everyone. I've followed the website for a while but never thought this would be my first post. I don't have a lot of people I can talk to so I'm looking for advice here.

I've been with my partner for three years and we live together. Last night I discovered that he had signed up to three hookup sites a few months ago. He denied it for about a minute then quickly admitted and apologised. He said he was just looking for someone to talk to, that he had never and would never meet or sleep with anyone and hadn't even chatted to anyone (because no one messaged him!) He said he didn't think it was cheating as he would never have done anything physical.

I looked on the sites and there weren't any messages (although he could have deleted them). He said he was bored of watching poem and just liked to look at the pictures. It doesn't look like the sites were used much but he put in his address and photo, surely you don't do this if you're just looking? In truth we haven't slept together for a long time but I assumed we were both busy and stressed with work and we were close in other ways.

This is the first time I have had any trust issues with him. I would never have suspected this and have no idea what to do. I think I do believe he hasn't slept with anyone but I also think what might have happened if he had spoken to someone and it had progressed. I went through years of abuse with a cheating ex before and it look me years to rebuild my confidence. It's not something I want to go through again and I'm scared that a lot of what he said last night sounded similar to my ex.

Does anyone else have any experience with this? Can any men tell me if this is normal guy behaviour? I love him to bits and can't bear the thought of not being with him but it terrifies me that he's done this. I don't know how to move on from this.

Sorry for the massive rambling post

DUTR

Everyone is different, it's not one hat fits all.
I'm on POF and the last longish termer I was seeing I met on there, after we appeared to be going steady she deleted her account, I kept mine going and she didn't seem to have issue with this, however I can see that some people will .

Perhaps you both ought to re-kindle your own relationship, something must have brought you together in the 1st place, sometimes kids come along and the parents foreget about each other and take on the mundane parenting until one cannot take it anymore and seeks excitement out of the home. However that is not the case for you two, get yourselves booked for a just the two of you weekend.

Pixie5740

People cheat for a number of reasons. Two things that stand out from your post is your partner saying that he just wanted someone to talk to and that it's been a long time since you slept together.

Do the two of you talk? Do you think it would help going to Relate for some relationship counselling? Once trust is gone it's very difficult to get back and it has to be something you both definitely want.

double_mummy

it depends on where you draw your line it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks is acceptable only what you think

there is no way to prove whether he has met with someone so there is also no way to prove his innocence - how much do you really trust him?

duchy

Why does he need "someone to talk to" ?
Does he not talk to you ?

Possibly he hasn't done anything and you knowing is enough to pull him up short as it was a bit a fantasy that he might ( but really wouldn't have) or he is feeling something is missing from your relationship - in which case you need to be talking about it.

If my partner signed up on those sites (I know he was on them before we got together) then I'd be thinking we had problems and we'd need to sort things out or I'd be leaving . However as said everyone is different and some people don't care if their partner is having an online flirt - it's not a dealbreaker for everyone.

pogofish

You don't sign-up on those kind of sites if you just "want someone to talk to" - He's looking for action, sorry.

Pixie5740

pogofish wrote: »

You don't sign-up on those kind of sites if you just "want someone to talk to" - He's looking for action, sorry.

I don't know about that. My friends and I who use dating sites find some men just want to keep messaging you. They're not interested in meeting up they just want to keep talking. Some of them get a bit shirty when you stop responding but I'm not looking for a pen pal.

Dazedandconfused1

Thanks for the advice everyone. I've spent all day searching the internet and your answers have been a lot more forgiving than most!

I'm trying to decide if what he did really was cheating if he genuinely didn't talk to anyone. I promised myself I would never forgive another cheater.

How long until he gets bored with just looking? Do I have to have sex with my boyfriend at least once a week to stop him looking elsewhere?

Dazedandconfused1

Not that it changes anything but these aren't regular dating sites. They're swinging\ meet local s**TS casual sex sites

Turtle

Dazedandconfused1 wrote: »

Not that it changes anything but these aren't regular dating sites. They're swinging\ meet local s**TS casual sex sites

I'd be horrified if I found my husband had signed up to any site, but I'm sorry, I think this is worse than a dating site where I can see it's not impossible to believe people could just be chatting. With the above I would find that harder to believe.

HappyMJ

Dazedandconfused1 wrote: »

Not that it changes anything but these aren't regular dating sites. They're swinging\ meet local s**TS casual sex sites

That would be an interesting chat. Maybe he's looking for someone to chat with. Strange site to do that on.