How to tell husband about debts - terrified!!

Weemac

Hi everyone! Have been reading everyones posts re debts and have got the courage up to post today. We have unsecured debts of £97000 (credit cards and loans) and secured of £108000 (mortgage and second mortgage) and I have eventually taken my head out of the sand and realised that I need to do something about these as our outgoings are way over our income. I have lived by using the credit cards to get cash to pay other cards and bills but now they are all at their limits. We have not missed any payments so far on any of our commitments. I "look" after the money side (haven't done a very good job though!) so my husband doesn't know about the cash situation. I am absolutely terrifed to bring up the problems and would appreciate any advice how to broach the subject.

I filled out the online form with CCCS and it said it would take us 15 years to clear debt with a DMP or to take out a trust deed but that looks really frightening and i wouldn't want to lose the house. HELPPPPP:eek:

EmptyPockets

Hello Weemac,

firstly, well done for posting. You've taken the first step in wanting to sort it all out, so have a big pat on the back for that! There will be lots of (clever) people along in no time to help you with financial advise if that's what you're after.

I just wanted to say that, regarding your husband - we ALL make mistakes. Try not to feel ashamed or embarrassed, you've made a mess and now you're trying to deal with it. You're only human. There are ALWAYS paths through something like this, always options, always solutions.

Good luck, you will be just fine if you stick around here. It was only last wek that I joined the site myself, feeling hopeless about our financial situation, and already this week I'm feeling SO much more positive thanks to support on here.

Best wishes,

EmptyPockets x

chevalier

okay first of all don't panic and well done on posting.

As I see it there are two issues here.
1) Clearing the debt. If CCCS says it will take 15 years then that is good! Yes I know that sounds mad, but some peoples DMP's are longer than that. And a lot can change in that time, ie promotion, bonuses, other windfalls. Plus this is with your outgoings as they are now, which you know are too high, so

if you look at southernscousers sticky at the top of the forum it gives you the information to produce a Statement of Affairs (SOA). From this we may be able to help you see where you can cut back and so put more money to your debts.

2) Telling your husband. I would guess that he must know that you are in some debt, just from the amount of credit card statements that come through the door. Also unless you are a complete shopaholic, he has benefitted from your spending, even if only by going out with your, eating with you etc!

So you can do one of two things. The first is to tell him the whole truth. I am sure he will be supportive after the inevitable shock and anger has gone. Alternatively, you could tell him that you both have some debts that are getting out of control, and that you need to cut back on some things, so that things don't get worse. If he will accept that and you are comfortable with it, then fair enough. But you are going to have to tell him something, because he is going to notice the inevitable phone calls that will occur at the start of the DMP. Also that things might be slashed from the budget, that he does eg going down the pub every night/weekend or whatever.

Personally I would do the SOA, so that you know the full (I know scary) extent of your income and outgoings. Then take a deep breath and show him it. In black and white, it might bring home to him that both of you are going to have to change how you think about money, and how you spend it.

The very best of luck, we are all here for you
chev

rayday2

I always think when I see posts but scared of telling partners, that they must know but there heads are in the sand, if you have that much debt what do they think you have been living on!!!??

Try not to worry at least when you chat with them you have a possible solution rather than just the problem, well done for tackling it before your home is in jeopardy.

hitback

Hi There!

I think you need to actually talk to an advisor at CCCS who will be able to help you further on this. We were in exactly the same position with over £60k of debt in Sept last year, and have so far reduced that by £4,300 through a DMP with CCCS. Also, the 15 years you were advised online could be reduced when you review your DMP with CCCS, as you may find that you are able to increase your payments after a certain amount of time and therefore shorten the 15 years, but if you call CCCS they can go through this with you.

Talking to someone really does help, and you are in the right place for support and advise on this forum.

Good luck!

Jessiepig

Hi I also have debts that my husband has never known about. I have managed to reduce them from £20,000 to £7000 though shear determination.
It is horrible and I am always on my guard.
It is best to come clean. It is amazing how cutting back on bits here and there can help reduce the debts.
This site is a mind is a mind of information

duchy

Just because one person is ready to and finally has removed their head from the sand......doesn't always mean the other partner is ready to yet though -that can be the problem . I do agree with rayday though that rather than saying "We are in debt of £200K" it's often better to have a plan laid out first to soften the blow. I hope you'll post your SOA as even just writing it can help you see where cuts can be made yourself and hopefully people here can see other things that you can't see yourself as you're too close to the situation.
Well done on posting and taking that huge first step

myrnahaz

Just bite the bullet and tell him - once you've told him about your (joint) debt, then it's done and you have one less thing to worry about. It's not like you've gone out and wasted money on your own little luxuries, it seems like you've just been trying to keep yourselves afloat - and I'm sure he did his fair share of spending so he also has his head in the sand; he knows exactly how much he earns so don't let him get all high and mighty about it now. It doesn't matter who was in control of the purse strings, it's now a joint problem that needs joint support. If he gets uppity about it, just tell him to take care of the finances himself from now on. Marriage is a partnership and it's unfair to expect one person to handle such a vast burden. Anyway, you may be surprised at his reaction - whenever I have felt overwhelmed by money problems and worried about having to unburden myself onto my husband (he's a very hard working person so I felt a bit obliged to handle the finances without worrying him unnecessarily!!) he always surprised me because although he became angry, it was because I hadn't told him before and that I had carried the strain of it all alone. Marriage is a partnership so don't forget that you're each there to support the other and share the bad times as well as the good. Good luck to you.

mallard

Hi Weemac

Good luck - if you have a supportive hubby then will help together. I know how you feel, with my partner racking up 80k of debts on top of the mortgage of 98k. Not a good scenario and particularly with battling with CC companies etc so dealing with it together will help tremendously.

Best wishes
Mallard

immoral_angeluk

Well done on posting. The first step (admitting there's a problem) is always the hardest. The best advice I can give you is write everything down and just be honest. Also tell him what you've done to sort it out.
At the end of the day, he's your husband... and I'm sure wedding vows include something about 'for richer or for poorer...'
Good luck. x

MrsTinks

Get us a SAO and let's see what we can help you with from here Once you have the facts and a solution, it might be easier to tell him?
"hun we have a debt problem, this is how we're gonna fix it, this is how long at the most this will take us and these are the things we need to give up"