Once a cheater...

bouicca21

But he had a second chance and cheated again. Total disrespect for his wife.

Pollycat

bouicca21 wrote: »

But he had a second chance and cheated again. Total disrespect for his wife.

We don't know if he had 2 chances.

The OP says:

RavingMad wrote: »

Hi

I'm just after people's views on something

A good lady friend of ours has been seeing someone for a while and it's starting to get a bit serious.

The problem I have with him is that his ex-wife divorced him for cheating on her, twice. As the title suggests, I'm under the old saying that a leopard can't change it's spots.

Am I being too harsh in thinking this? Can people change for the right person?

It could be that he had sex with the same woman twice then his wife found out and decided to divorce him.
Not the same as being found out (or confessing) then doing it again.

clearingout

marisco wrote: »

It would seem though that this guy has been upfront and honest about his past. Your friend is going into this relationship with her eyes wide open to what has gone on previously

You did make me laugh. My ex cheated on me - for years - and eventually left me. He got away with it because he came home every night, on time, and because their mutual self employment meant that they could meet together during the day when the rest of us were busy working and looking after our children.

With hindsight, I now know that my ex was entirely...half-honest with me about his past relationships. It was sold to me as 'gosh, I was a terrible person but look at me now! Totally upfront and honest!'. He made himself out to have been horrible to his previous partner and having realised it, he was now reformed and a good guy to be with. It was enough for me at the time - probably because I saw a future with him and asking questions would more than likely have clouded that future. So I didn't ask. Should have done.

I can see it happening again with his new fiancee- because no half decent woman would fall for a man who says 'well, I left my wife pregnant with our third child for the woman I'd been having an affair with for 4 years, that would be the same woman I managed to have a child with whilst I married...and then when I left, I was a total idiot and deprived my stay at home ex of any money whatsoever and I could do that because I'm self employed and she couldn't get money out of the CSA from me...so she lost our family home 'cos she couldn't afford it herself...and many years later I have CCJs coming out of my ears and they're all secured against my home and the other half of my home is owned by the woman I had the affair with 'cos I had to give it her as proof of how much I loved her...I gave it her at the same time as I walked away from my children and didn't bother to see them or get in contact with them for 18 months...and I am resentful and angry that my ex has family who help her out and that she's got herself back on her feet and is doing OK for herself so I spend my time being rude about her in front of our children and calling her a 'bad mum' and other such stuff whilst dragging her through court 'cos I'm so arrogant I believe that the courts will let me have our children 'cos she works all the time and I want to make a new family with you and have you care for my children so the ex never sees them...'

So what you actually say is a half-truth 'I had an affair, I was an idiot' and 'I'll never do it again' because that is all a potential new partner wants to hear.

You can never know what The Truth actually is with someone who's had an affair. They have been more than happy to lie - repeatedly - to someone they said that they loved. Such a person will have no qualms whatsoever in telling you whatever it is they think you need to hear to get you to hang around.

I believe people who have affairs are capable of the personal growth needed to effectively move on and not do it again. I also believe that few people who have affairs are willing or able to dig deep enough personally and invest in themselves to make sure it never happens again. One of the more evident traits of people who have affairs is arrogance, a sense of entitlement, an over-inflated ego which believes 'I am OK to do this'. That doesn't go away when an affair is over.

dirty_magic

I don't think you can say without knowing more about his previous relationship and what he's like as a person. If the relationship was dead anyway and he cheated twice with the same person it's different to just having no respect and doing it because he felt like it. I still think it's cowardly not to end it before you run off with someone else though.

Some people do genuinely regret it I think and wouldn't do it again, whereas others just seem to like the thrill and like to feel like they're something special.

As others have said, there's not much you can do anyway. Just be there when it does go wrong and try not to say 'I told you so'.

Meg_x

I once had a relationship with someone (Divorced) and found out he'd cheated on his wife a couple of times, even left her to live with a woman, but then returned home.

He was adamant he'd changed, and maybe he had, but I was forever questioning where he'd been and never completely trusted him.
Our relationship soon ended because of this.

pogofish

IME, no - once the pattern og cheating is established, they will nearly always cheat again.

I read some research recently that suggested there may be a biological reason for this - something to do with the location of specific pleasure receptors in the brain, which in cheaters tend to be further away from the bonding/pairing structures compared to faithful people - so the whole pleasure/closeness/reward/guilt process is completely different for the two sorts of people.

duchy

I do believe that for most decent people cheating is something they think they wouldn't do - but if they do cheat it's a slippery slope and the first time they may feel guilty - but (especially if they get away with it) but having crossed the line - the next time they have that choice to make - there is less guilt and it's easier.


I remember my ex husband telling me he'd never cheat again (didn't matter to me I wasn't having him back) but every relationship subsequent to that broke down because of cheating (not always on his part) . Not only had having cheated once he was more prone to do it again (I guess not getting struck down by lightening made it easier ) but women knowing he was capable of cheating himself had less respect for him so were more likely to cheat on him (or maybe he just picked a certain type of woman - who knows)


I really don't understand women who have affairs with married men and then subsequently marry the men- and are then gobsmacked when their husbands then cheat on them too. What on earth did they expect ?

Alikay

RavingMad wrote: »

Can people change for the right person?

People can only change if they want to. If cheating is their "go to" method of dealing with problems in a relationship they'll need to develop of other ways...communication being a good starting point.

PeacefulWaters

While in no way condoning cheating, it's a sure fire way of compounding your own misery over a far wider fallout group, I do think some of the black and white generalisations expressed in this thread are disappointing.

Having been cheated on, I tried to understand the reasons - starting with myself. Alas, I don't think I ever really established the why. I don't think my wife could either. She was miserable, but couldn't really explain what she was miserable with. No sign of a repeat, and I'm switched on to look for it.

Having been miserable as hell, because I was being cheated on, I went mighty close to cheating myself - I could certainly have justified it to myself at the time. There's still a little bit of me that regrets my moment of calm judgement during a tumultuous six months of life.

Relationships can recover and improve after infidelity. Although I don't recommend it without extensive counselling (both as a couple and individually). A repeat isn't inevitable.

But we are all human. We can all get it wrong. Blind trust in your partner is a mugs game. You and your soul mate will change over the years. Keep talking. Keep your eyes open. Keep loving them. No third chance though.

Andypandyboy

I believe that if you are capable of cheating you do not lose that "ability" and if oppportunity or circumstance occur it will happen again. So, for that reason I would not trust anyone who could do that.