Once a cheater...

RavingMad

Hi

I'm just after people's views on something

A good lady friend of ours has been seeing someone for a while and it's starting to get a bit serious.

The problem I have with him is that his ex-wife divorced him for cheating on her, twice. As the title suggests, I'm under the old saying that a leopard can't change it's spots.

Am I being too harsh in thinking this? Can people change for the right person?

angiepangie2809

yes they can. nobody knows what went on in his past relationship that led to him cheating. (not that i am condoning cheating on somebody) But i do think you may be judging him unfairly.

System

Yes, he could have learned his lesson finally.

ellay864

Assuming your friend knows about his past, it is her problem, not yours. Just because that is what you know of the reason for his divorce, can you be certain that is true? Maybe he has learnt his lesson and has no intention of cheating on your friend. What if she met somebody also previously cheating but you had no knowledge of it?
She has to take her chances, you have to be a friend to support her if things don't go well. Don't try and interfere based on judgement of what he's done in the past

pickledonionspaceraider

To be honest, if it were for myself, I would hesitate before getting involved with someone who has been a serial cheater.

Yes he may well have changed, but he may well have not, and I value myself too highly to put myself at risk in that way these days - after having been burned by similar experiences in the past

In my experiences, cheaters do not change. They enjoy the thrill of the chase. But as said, that is my experience and not everyone on the planets

However OP, I am talking as if it were myself - if it were a friend, I would reserve my judgement as it would be her in the situation and not me

I would see it as not be my place to pour oil on the waters of her new romance due to my own fears

marisco_2

Personally I wouldn't choose to become involved with anyone who had cheated on a former partner. I wouldn't be able to place trust in someone capable of such deceit and who could show no regard for another's feelings through their actions.


It would seem though that this guy has been upfront and honest about his past. Your friend is going into this relationship with her eyes wide open to what has gone on previously. Like everyone else she is taking a gamble on finding happiness. The stakes are just a little riskier in her case.

Anatidaephobia

Yes, people can change. Not sure why it's your place to have a "problem" with him based on something that happened in the past between him and someone else that you probably don't know the full details of. Your friend is capable of choosing her own boyfriends and her choices aren't really anybody else's business tbh.

FBaby

The issue though is that is it a fact that he cheated, or what his ex-wife was accusing him off? We don't know what happens in previous relationship. I personally would rather trust my own judgement, knowing that it takes time for me to trust anyone anyway, rather than trust what I've heard and think has happened in the past.

splishsplash

If someone has cheated twice from within a marriage, then they are wired very differently to me and it wouldn't enter my head to become involved with them.

You are not becoming involved with him, OP, so I think you should swallow your personal opinions, respect the fact that your friend has chosen less wisely than you might wish for her and be there to pick up the pieces if it all falls asunder.

bagpussbear

I do think people can change yes.

The fact he did it twice to his ex-wife means he didn''t learn from any lesson the first time around though. So he is a more riskier bet unfortunately.

But he has been upfront with your friend at least, and it's up to her to make up her mind.

Guest101

This is of course assuming they had a good marriage.

The marriage could be over long before the divorce...