Once a cheater...

Errata

Once a cheater, always a cheater. cf Boris Johnson.

Snakey

Of course, you can't insulate yourself from risk by avoiding people who are known to have cheated - all you do is weed out the ones who were dumb enough to get caught.

Plenty of people cheat and their partner never finds out or even suspects.

Given that the OP is not the one in the relationship but is, as far as I can work out, seeking advice about whether to cold-shoulder this person socially or not, I think he ought to ask himself how sure he is that none of his current friends, neighbours, acquaintances, family members, co-workers etc have ever cheated on anybody in their whole lives. Statistics indicate it's pretty common.

Other than that, people cheat for three main reasons:
1. Their relationship is dead but it takes the appearance of somebody new to act as a catalyst to make them realise things need to change.
2. It makes them feel alive - it's fun and exciting to sneak around, take risks, get away with things, lie and be believed, and generally have options and alternatives available at all times. The "other woman" will often be somebody at work or in their close social circle.
3. They weren't that serious about the relationship in the first place and so don't feel the sense of loyalty that the other person believes that they ought to. So one side experiences true love followed by a horrific betrayal, while the other side would describe it as a few casual dates that didn't lead anywhere.

I think only 2 is a dead cert to cheat again, although 1 and 3 might do so if they find themselves in similar circumstances in the future they won't do if the relationship is "real" and is going well.

amistupid

Snakey wrote: »

Plenty of people cheat and their partner never finds out or even suspects.

Whilst plenty of my colleagues wives were calling me a low life little did they know their husbands were just as bad.

comeandgo

I agree that many more people cheat than are found out, I used to see it in my previous job when men were working away from home for long periods and I had their expenses to sort out. Also both my present husband and myself were cheaters, I've not cheated on him, and I'm absolutely confident he has not cheated on me. So I think people do change.

Carl31

People can change, and I would always be someone that gives BOD in these situations. Having said that, all the people i know of that are 'serial cheaters' have always gone on to do it again

I think someone people get into relationships for the wrong reason, there reason is to find something that probably cant be found, so once they realise that person cant offer what they need, they go to the next

PeacefulWaters

comeandgo wrote: »

Also both my present husband and myself were cheaters, I've not cheated on him, and I'm absolutely confident he has not cheated on me. So I think people do change.

Out of interest, do you think you've changed or are you and your present husband simply a better match for each other - perhaps on a better communication wavelength?

comeandgo

We are on the same wavelength I think. We both originally married very young, I was 17 and he married his first wife at 20. I would never in a million years thought I was "cheating" material. I lost a lot of weight due to the unbelievable change of circumstances and actually found out what real love and desire is. I did leave my first husband a short time later, now knowing for sure I did not love him. Not my finest hours but he has remarried too.

System

I think cheating falls into two camps, those that cheat once but regret it and never do it again (thus yes they can change, someone close to me falls into that camp) and the second is the serial cheaters, the ones who feel no remorse and who will carry on doing it for as long as they can get away with it with no thought for anyone but themselves.

My ex fell into the second category. He cheated on me numerous times, left me for another woman, got her pregnant and cheated on her...from what i gather she's still with him (well she did have 4 kids to support and he was the one paying the bills) but i bet you anything he's still doing it.

anon123456

I cheated on two partners in my late teens early twenties. I was young, immature and in hindsight was not in love with them.

I am now 30 VERY happily married with one daughter and another daughter due in November.

I could not imagine cheating on my wife, or even contemplating the possibility of it. I love her and my family.

A leopard most definitely can change its spots

Alikay

anon123456 wrote: »

I cheated on two partners in my late teens early twenties. I was young, immature and in hindsight was not in love with them.

I guess I never thought to include this sort of thing , but I also cheated at that age and point in my life. I'd probably term it "two-timing a boyfriend" rather than "cheating on a partner" due to the low level of commitment involved, and the actual activity (dating and snogging rather than sex), but there was some deception involved. So here's another leopard who's changed their spots!