Spender OH

BigAunty

ben_m_g wrote: »

Thank you guys the responses, I have tried to help her by setting up a weekly planner, or looking at her bills. But it gets to the point that she feels controlled.

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Budgets are a form of control but can be a positive thing - without planning, there is chaos of the type you describe.

Do you think she pushes back because she doesn't want to bother with planning when she's happy with bailouts from you?

There is a recent thread on this forum from a newly retired guy who is close to leaving his wife after decades of marriage because she's burning through their savings and refuses to discuss a budget. Despite a history of Debt Management schemes, she still buys fripperies and won't talk about money. EDIT - here's the thread, very sobering reading.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5264391


You could download the MSE budget planner, go through the site to identify where you make savings (cheapest energy, telecoms, tv, insurance, etc) and draw up a realistic budget.

Then structure access to accounts to ensure it works. For example, if she is plundering the joint account, get it closed. If you don't have a joint account and want to structure it so that you pay in a fair share of your incomes and only debit from it key household expenses and nothing else, then set that up.

enthusiasticsaver

I think you need to sit down with her and have a conversation about all incomings and outgoings. That is not controlling, just common sense. We are older than you, our children are grown up now but we have always had joint accounts and in the early days when I was part time money was tight so we worked out each month what was spare after bills paid and all other expenses allowed for and allocated ourselves some spare personal spends. We still do that now and in fact my daughter and her husband do the same and they have their first LO on the way now. That is fair and then you both know what the others' outgoings are. Then if she spends it don't give her anymore until payday. She needs to learn if she is a parent otherwise what sort of example is she setting your children. Bad money management can lead to misery.

enthusiasticsaver

Also you could point out that we are all controlled to a certain extent by our income or does she just expect to spend regardless of what is in the bank account?

LplateSaver

IanRi wrote: »

Seems strange to me. Me and OH have a joint account that all our income goes into before then being moved into savings.

Same here. It seemed natural to us that when we combined we'd combine everything.

balletshoes

ben_m_g wrote: »

Thank you guys the responses, I have tried to help her by setting up a weekly planner, or looking at her bills. But it gets to the point that she feels controlled.

It is very frustrating, and TBH i'm sick of being the bad guy that always says no.

you say you always say No, but then in your OP you say your wife "borrows off you". So do you actual say No and mean it, or do you say No then change your mind and give her more money?

If you need to say No and mean it, then do that - say "please stop asking me for money, we can't afford it". Practice saying it calmly, and then say the same thing whenever she asks.
Everyone's household finances are different, as is the way we deal with them. You can't make your partner budget sensibly if she doesn't want to/doesn't feel she needs help to, and your different approaches could be frustrating her too, but please don't feel bad if you need to be the one ensuring that you have money sorted to cover your household bills and family expenses.

eta - having read the rest of the thread, i'm also not clear as to the division of the bills v income in your household, and who's responsible for the things duchy mentioned - kids clothes/pressie budget etc. That can make a huge dent in your available spends.

jackyann

I would say that you need to sit down and do a proper budget plan of all your finances.
In my experience, saying that one half pays one set of bills, and the other another, just leads to chaos.
If things have got this far, then before you start getting upset about "controlling" sort it out properly together. One boring but absolute necessity and life-saver is to spend one month writing absolutely everything down (you can use a computer programme)
It is quite possible that your OH feels obliged to spend money on stuff you don't: examples such as: gift contributions at work, charitable donations at kids' nursery or similar. If she is out & about with the kids more, she may buy drinks or snacks.
Some women feel "controlled" because when doing joint finances, their male partner dismisses things as "unimportant" that they like or feel obliged by social circumstances to spend on. So be sure you are listening and taking that into account ( my apologies if I am teaching my grandmother to suck eggs, but this is one of the commonest problems I hear)
My parents were both born in the 1920s - throughout their married life they had joint finances - except for a small sum that could be spent as each individual wished.
I hope you can sort this out.

Marisco

ben_m_g wrote: »

That's probably not a fair question (for us), i'm a certified tightwad and spend very little on myself..

So no, OH personal spend is probably double mine.

These are the words that ring alarm bells to me! There is a vast difference between careful budgeting and this! Maybe the wife is always broke because she pays for all the little extras for the kids, because he's too "tight" to do so.

Lunar_Eclipse

This is how we did it years ago and now that it set basic spending, it's the status quo with no management/agreement needed:

Sit down and decide on your family budget (for the year) based on what you both agree upon and what's happening (eg special overseas holiday etc.) Who earns what is irrelevant to the family budget. A small part of this will be personal spending and it's okay if you agree on differing amounts.

Put all income into one account, pay yourself first in terms of savings etc and live to the budget. We have allocated amounts for general household bills, entertainment, grooming (clothes, hair, dentist etc), car, gifts etc for the whole family. So one month DH will use up the grooming budget with a new suit and shoes for example, whilst in August the kids will do so on school footwear etc.

Decide that anything that doesn't fit within the agreed budget needs to be discussed before purchase.

Our personal spending is supposed to be £100/month. It doesn't include clothes and hairdressers, but coffee, magazines, books, make up, meals out etc. I hardly spend anything on these things, but DH loves books and completely unnecessary gadgets...