Spender OH

ben_m_g

I'm definitely the saver and the budgeter of the house, I manage all the bills, subscriptions and savings for holidays and emergency funds.

My wife is quite the opposite, while not overly bad with money, it is all gone by payday, and then "borrowing" off me.

Of course we have discussed it, but she thinks I am just over cautious and just complaining.

With second LO on the way, we desperately need to change, but we're struggling to reach a compromise without being controlling / controlled.

Has anyone been through the same and have some suggestions?

Domayne

Tough love. When she comes looking to borrow money when all of hers is gone, tell her no. Why does she need to learn to budget when she knows you will always bail her out?

Guest101

"Spend" all your money before she spends hers and then tell her there isnt enough for food in week 3.

HappyMJ

Yes...and it is very difficult to reach a reasonable compromise. You'll need to explain the holidays will have to be cancelled, the subscriptions cancelled and show her why. If she can see why the personal spends budget is £x per week (I'd do a weekly allowance paid by standing order into your own personal current accounts for both of you instead of monthly as a month can be a long time to hold on to money) and the family still gets holidays then she might be encouraged to spend less. Stop allowing her to use the money from the emergency pot...once the spends money has gone..it's gone. That's controlling but if that can't be done get rid of the emergency pot and replace it with insurance. Emergency pots are a form of self insurance for things that could go wrong so if you have no emergency fund then you'll need insurance instead. Show her the quotes to insure everything the emergency fund is supposed to cover and she find might figure out why it's there and not to be borrowed.

ben_m_g

Thank you guys the responses, I have tried to help her by setting up a weekly planner, or looking at her bills. But it gets to the point that she feels controlled.

It is very frustrating, and TBH i'm sick of being the bad guy that always says no.

amistupid

ben_m_g wrote: »

Thank you guys the responses, I have tried to help her by setting up a weekly planner, or looking at her bills. But it gets to the point that she feels controlled.

Because she can't manage her money, she needs control.

breaking_free

ben_m_g wrote: »

But it gets to the point that she feels controlled.

Sounds to me like YOU are the one being controlled here and I would point that out to her. Asking her to be reasonable is not controlling - her demanding that you give her money IS controlling. (And yes I'm a female).

KRB2725

I thinks the answer depends on how much you respectively earn and contribute if you don't have joint finances.

If, for example, she works part time as you have a LO and therefore has very little leftover once her contribution to the household is paid, yet you have a higher income with a higher surplus, then I don't think it's unreasonable that she 'borrows' from you.

I think the best thing to do in this situation is to produce a spreadsheet of incoming v outgoing and show everything as a joint expense. From the surplus, you could then agree between you what is a reasonable weekly/monthly amount for personal spends.

I know some people don't like joint finances, but personally I think it helps in situations like this.

itsanne

ben_m_g wrote: »

Thank you guys the responses, I have tried to help her by setting up a weekly planner, or looking at her bills. But it gets to the point that she feels controlled.

It is very frustrating, and TBH i'm sick of being the bad guy that always says no.

I'm assuming that things are financially equitable between you and you don't have more spending money in the first place. If you do, that would explain why she borrows from you and that situation should be addressed so you both have the same. (Does she pay you back?)

Unfortunately you need to be controlling to some degree because she's not managing.

If you accept being the bad guy one more time, decide how best to manage things in such a way that she can't access set aside money and then sit down with her and explain / show her what you're planning and why. Having different pots for different things (eg holiday, car maintenance, Christmas etc) might help her see what needs to be done. Ideally she'd be in agreement and have input as to what should be saved. Once things are set up so she can't just access extra cash when hers runs out you shouldn't have to keep feeling the bad guy because she won't still be asking.

As far as spending money is concerned, be clear that if you both start out with the same you won't continue to lend her any - and don't. Suggest that she would find it easier if she had the money weekly rather than monthly, but try to let her decide so that she is taking at least some control of the situation.

ben_m_g

Just to be clear, i do earn significantly more than my OH, but we make things fair by my paying all the household and car bills. She is left with childcare and food.

When she needs money, it is always for food shopping. But the problem is where the rest of her money has gone before that point.

rachy182

After all the bills and food has been paid for do you both have the same personal spends?