How can I be a proper adult?

Birdie85

^^^ This is me! I don't think I'll ever know how to be a proper grown up! As far as I know, it's a pretty common feeling!

suki1964

When I was a teen I thought I would be all grown up and know it all by time I was 30 ( if I ever got that old). Was a bit of a shock when I hit 40 and then 50 thinking the same thing

We all wing it.

Life experience is what gets you by and the person you are and we don't all experience life the same

Im still a big kid I'm sure when I have to go deal with grown ups about grown up issues they know I'm really a 16 year old in someone else's body. How I ever managed to buy and sell houses, deal with councils and education, pass interviews for jobs, interview others, organise a wedding, a couple of funerals, be there at the birth of my granddaughter and a million and one other things I will never know cos I'm only 16:)

Maddybee33

I think that most people aren't who they think they should be. It's ok- being a grown up is about acting like it in appropriate situations, and being you the rest of the time. Most people don't have a clue.
x

74jax

dandy-candy wrote: »

I can't give advice, I just overthink things and come out with ridiculous "what if" scenarios. I can't make decisions at all. My kids don't have a wise and "grown up" mum, I'm more like Henny Penny.

I see TV shows and read books with wonderful role model mums who are a font of wisdom and always have their kids back. Great wives who are an asset to the home and family. When my kids were little it was easier, lots of love, hugs, food and bedtime stories. Now they are little adults with grown up issues they need advice with or a sympathetic ear and I don't know what I'm meant to do or say.

I'm 40 and am not 'really' a mum, I remember my mum dusting, hovering, making packed lunches etc. I don't do that............

I don't really think of 'what ifs', I'm probably the too far the other way. My advice to my DD is 'what's the worst that could happen, just do it'.

morocha

I am 30 and yet I look younger and in my mind I am still a terrified 17 yo. I blush for stupid things but try to act cool. The things I had to deal with in life meant I was always told I acted very mature for my age, even at teenager years I was always calm and "good" never rebellious... well.. I have 2 daughters, one is 8 and the youngest is 2.
I am very calm, people assume it is because I am an outgoing, confident person but that is not really me. I am calm because many times I don't know what to say or how to act( remember don't blow your cover you are not a proper adult, act in control) I am just me, I know I am very young at heart and sometimes feel like there is a lot of growing up to do, I don't know if you get what I mean... ie: I can be a doormat, when people is rude to be on the bus etc, I don't know what to say, so I just ignore.
My ex in laws are in their 60 are they also,you can tell although they have life experience, they are so young at heart.

LameWolf

Dandy Candy I'm 55 and still feel like little-girl-lost most of the time. The one main difference between us is I never had children, so that's one less "worry" if that's the right way to put it.

I bluff my way through most of the time, and hope that people don't realise that I'm actually shaking like the proverbial leaf on the inside; to the extent that I avoid dealing with other people as much as possible these days.

Problem is, life doesn't come with an instruction manual!:D

Primrose

I think it,s a sad fact of life that we only start to develop wisdom and understanding when we have experienced a few of life's bereavements, knocks and other traumas along the way and have started to develop coping mechanisms. These generally help to develop and improve our characters and general philosophies on life. If your life has been generally serene and trouble free to this point be thankful. Sooner or later we all run into troubled waters and while they are hard to manipulate, often they all bring valuable learning and coping lessons to our experience.

marisco_2

dandy-candy wrote: »

I never had a good role model myself when I grew up.

You are doing fine just the way you are. Despite the above it sounds as if your kids were surrounded by love and enjoyed all the things that make a childhood special. That they now approach you and want your advice speaks volumes about the wonderful bond you have built with them over the years. Just continue to be there for them and be completely yourself. They may or may not follow what you suggest but that isn't an indicator that you don't speak a lot of sense. Just that as with all of us as we get older we take the advice that works best for us after considering all that is given.

Starrystarrynight1

I'm relieved to see this thread and realise I'm not the only one who feels this way. Thanks for posting, OP!

It's no wonder we feel messed up or left behind, when society/the media etc portrays perfect human beings. I now believe perfection doesn't exist. I just wish I'd realised it much earlier.

BigAunty

dandy-candy wrote: »

I still a lost kid inside. I am weak when I should be strong, nervous when I should be confident. I don't lead, I buckle and cower. I can't give advice, I just overthink things and come out with ridiculous "what if" scenarios. I can't make decisions at all. .

I never had a good role model myself when I grew up, and DH isn't any better at it either I'm afraid. How can I learn to be a wise grown up full of good advice who is calm and ready at the drop of a hat? I wish I was that person.

The 'role model' stuff throws me out a bit but the main thrust of your post, to me, is that you suffer from some degree of anxiety.

The reason that the role model stuff makes me curious is I wonder what you mean by it - do you want to be bold, is this some kind of leadership thing, do you want to be admired? If you don't like sticking your head above the parapet, having a goal to be a 'role model' seems out of synch but if you mean that you want to impress people or you think it is a measure of being fully confident, fine.

I have an interest in mindfulness, meditation and secular buddhism (interpreting it as a philosophy, a guide for living rather than a religion).

The main aim is to end personal suffering which is an old fashioned way of what we now call anxiety. You get to see how useless most of your thoughts are, learn how to stay in the present moment rather than pick over the past or fret about the future, learn how to be compassionate rather than critical to yourself, avoid making corrosive comparisons.

The gist of them as a discipline is mental hygiene/training, or personal transformation. You learn how to be grateful for what you have rather than crave what you don't. You get insight into how fleeing from things just makes things worse - better to accept things rather than ignore or run away. You learn how to witness your thoughts rather than get swept away with them.

Perhaps a book like 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle will give you some insight into the trap of living in psychological time rather than chronological time, how to tame the negative voice in your head. I found parts of it struck a big chord while some bits of the book were dreary.

Mindfulness in plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana (or even the Idiots Guide to Mindfulness) might give you a good overview of this practice. There's usually lots of local courses or online courses available in this discipline, some offered by Buddhist centres but there's usually lots of secular courses too, weekend courses often combined with meditation and so forth.

For a gentle introduction into Meditation, there's a cheap phone app and website called Headspace that has a good reputation.

For a thorough immersion, there are 10 day Vipassana courses. I have attended 2 of these courses and find while 6 or 7 days of the course is a miserable experience, physically and mentally, some kind of fog lifts towards the end.

I kind of hesitate to recommend it to a newby (but they accept novice meditators, no experience required). However, at least I'm flagging up that sitting on a mat for up to 10 hours a day for around 9 days with just the content of your head isn't going to be blissful until you get the hang of the technique which helps to develop focus and concentration, skills in reigning in thoughts and ignoring aches and pains. Everybody gets a different experience on these courses but mine was many days of the darkest misery which then disappeared and left me with more self knowledge.