How can I be a proper adult?

dandy-candy

I'm 42 and I still feel I haven't grown up. Before people think that it's great to be young at heart, age is only a number etc, but I t's not like that at all.

I still a lost kid inside. I am weak when I should be strong, nervous when I should be confident. I don't lead, I buckle and cower. I can't give advice, I just overthink things and come out with ridiculous "what if" scenarios. I can't make decisions at all. My kids don't have a wise and "grown up" mum, I'm more like Henny Penny.

I see TV shows and read books with wonderful role model mums who are a font of wisdom and always have their kids back. Great wives who are an asset to the home and family. When my kids were little it was easier, lots of love, hugs, food and bedtime stories. Now they are little adults with grown up issues they need advice with or a sympathetic ear and I don't know what I'm meant to do or say.

I never had a good role model myself when I grew up, and DH isn't any better at it either I'm afraid. How can I learn to be a wise grown up full of good advice who is calm and ready at the drop of a hat? I wish I was that person.

dirty_magic

Is anyone that person? TV and books aren't real. It's just your personality, and I bet your kids still look up to you even if you're not the person you think you should be. They wouldn't ask your advice at all if they didn't think you were supportive. This is your issue and it's probably bigger in your head than anyone else's.

thorsoak

Dear Dandy Candy - relax - you are not alone! I'm 72 years old on the outside, but inside - I'm somewhere between 9 and 13, and scared witless that one day someone will find out what a fraud I am!

To quote something I saw on Facebook ...as I get older I realise that I'm not the only one who hasn't got a ***** clue what they're doing - everybody is winging it!

You'll be fine x

Aldeney

I am 44 and feel the same way as you. Everyone around me seems to be mature and responsible and I feel like a frightened little girl. No words of wisdom I'm afraid except that you are not alone in feeling this way.

amistupid

dandy-candy wrote: »

I see TV shows and read books with wonderful role model mums who are a font of wisdom and always have their kids back. Great wives who are an asset to the home and family.

Most of us fall well short of how the media portrays us. We worry unnecessarily about how we look, how we think and how we act.

dandy-candy wrote: »

When my kids were little it was easier, lots of love, hugs, food and bedtime stories. Now they are little adults with grown up issues they need advice with or a sympathetic ear and I don't know what I'm meant to do or say.

You sound a wonderful, loving and caring mum. Good parenting involves a huge array of skills and I doubt there are any parents who are good at them all. You just seem to being suffering from a little low self esteem. Try to focus on all the positive things you do for your kids instead of competing with The Stepford wives.

Annisele

You're comparing your insides with everybody else's outsides.

You know that you're weak, or nervous, or whatever - because you know yourself incredibly well. You don't know that the strong, confident person you're talking too isn't actually any of those things.

balletshoes

Annisele wrote: »

You're comparing your insides with everybody else's outsides.

You know that you're weak, or nervous, or whatever - because you know yourself incredibly well. You don't know that the strong, confident person you're talking too isn't actually any of those things.

exactly - I don't know what the heck I'm talking about most of the time, I regularly wing it, but I know thats what we all do in life - no-one knows everything, or even most things.

sidefx

dandy-candy wrote: »

I'm 42 and I still feel I haven't grown up. Before people think that it's great to be young at heart, age is only a number etc, but I t's not like that at all.

I still a lost kid inside. I am weak when I should be strong, nervous when I should be confident. I don't lead, I buckle and cower. I can't give advice, I just overthink things and come out with ridiculous "what if" scenarios. I can't make decisions at all. My kids don't have a wise and "grown up" mum, I'm more like Henny Penny.

I see TV shows and read books with wonderful role model mums who are a font of wisdom and always have their kids back. Great wives who are an asset to the home and family. When my kids were little it was easier, lots of love, hugs, food and bedtime stories. Now they are little adults with grown up issues they need advice with or a sympathetic ear and I don't know what I'm meant to do or say.

I never had a good role model myself when I grew up, and DH isn't any better at it either I'm afraid. How can I learn to be a wise grown up full of good advice who is calm and ready at the drop of a hat? I wish I was that person.

You are a fantastic mother. You are there for them, love them and care.
They know that, and as adults, don't expect anything more.
There are no set rules, just be their mum.

Rev

I feel exactly as you do OP.

I'm 36. Yet I still feel like I've just left school and everything seems massive and overwhelming.


Things others just brush off or don't give a second thought to leave me a flailing wreck.


My mum was an epic woman. She was strong and kind and always knew exactly what to say in any situation. Everyone came to her for advice. And no matter what life sent her way nothing ever made her blink. Nothing. She was confident and wise.


I often find myself thinking that I wish I had just a tiny amount of her strength and wisdom.


I don't have any advice to offer. Just wanted to say you're not the only one.

Bennifred

Fake it 'til you make it! :cool:

mum2one

it happens to us all, I'm 44, my DD is 12 and theres time where I feel the role reversal of her being mum...

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing or even why, but generally we get through it all even been told I have a lovely daughter and how well adjusted she is, so must be doing something right, a I am sure you both are xx