Biological parents: should I try finding them?

MothballsWallet

TBagpuss wrote: »

Do you know the local authority which dealt with your adoption? Many will have processes in place to support/advise adoptees.

I would strongly recommend that you consider some couselling or discussion with a professional first, so thast you are very clear about your hopes and expectations of the search. And be ready to find that your biological family may to want to be contacted, or may not be what you hope for.

Also - discuss it with your wife, and your parents, first .

good luck

try http://www.pac-uk.org/our-service/adopted-adults/

My adoption order was done through a Scottish court. Although it was about 26 years ago, I don't know if the council keeps their records this long (since, from other threads on here, there's no real national guidance or standard for such record keeping).

You mention talking to my wife about it: I have, and she's told me about Russian attitude to adopting and that she wouldn't bother if she was in my shoes.

But then, she would like us to have a child, so what if there's some hereditary medical condition on my side that I don't know anything about?

Thanks for all your answers so far, folks, they're much appreciated and giving me food for thought.

SailorSam

My Mum got divorced when i was only a little baby and i know nothing about my Dad, she never spoke about him and made it obvious not to ask. Even the wedding photos had been cut in half so i've not even an idea of what he looked like.
I have thought whether i'd like to trace him but he'll be in his 80s if he's still alive. I presume i may have siblings that i don't know about. The trouble if i did trace him maybe they may not know i exist.

Spendless

Another mse'r wasn't sure what to do a few years ago, her story can be read here.


https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3871947

Good luck whatever you decide.

harrys_nan

SailorSam wrote: »

My Mum got divorced when i was only a little baby and i know nothing about my Dad, she never spoke about him and made it obvious not to ask. Even the wedding photos had been cut in half so i've not even an idea of what he looked like.
I have thought whether i'd like to trace him but he'll be in his 80s if he's still alive. I presume i may have siblings that i don't know about. The trouble if i did trace him maybe they may not know I exist.

I was in the same position as you, my mum and dad divorced when I was a toddler. I always knew about my dad, she did re-marry when I was six, she married a man that was very jealous so I wasn't allowed contact with my dad, he was Canadian and lived there so that wasn't a problem. She in later life felt very bad that I didn't know him and wanted me to trace him. I was stubborn and felt that if he hadn't found me why did I want to find him and his new family may not know about me and I didn't want to open a can of worms.
Cutting a long story short, I did find him when I was 40 and he and his wife came over to the UK. His family did know about me and he also had a photo of me in his house from when we lived in Canada. I got to meet him twice and I'm glad I did, wish I had found him when I and he was younger. I have ended up now being in contact with my Canadian family which is great.
Have a good think about it one day it may be to late.

JustKeepSwimming_2

MothballsWallet wrote: »

..But then, she would like us to have a child, so what if there's some hereditary medical condition on my side that I don't know anything about?...

If you wife knows her full medical history going back at least 3 generations, then it may not matter if you are a carrier for certain conditions (assuming of course there has been no incidence of the same diseases in her family of course!). You could also be tested quite easily to see if you're a carrier for cystic fibrosis etc.

Your GP could advise you about whether you could/should have genetic testing & counselling, so you may not need to find them just to answer medical questions.

Think long & hard about the worst case scenario & if you could cope with it.

I know someone who always knew she was adopted - she always wanted to find her birth parents, but didn't until she had her own daughter & the feeling of not knowing where she came from became unbearable for her. It was relatively easy to find her birth mother through social services & the local council, then some detective work (thank goodness for the internet). She met her birth mother & was on a high for days, then went on to meet her a few more times. She thought things were going well & was hoping to meet her birth father when out of the blue the birth mother wrote & said she didn't want to have a relationship with her after all, as she hadn't been what she was expecting. The mother also said that my friend would never be accepted into the mother's family, as she'd be a reminder of her disgrace & shame.

My friend was devastated - to be rejected once by your birth mother (for whatever reason) must be hard to deal with, but to be rejected twice is so cruel. This happened about 6 years ago & its knocked her confidence to this day.

Hopefully you've had a better experience of adoption than my poor friend. I know she worried many times how to not let it slip to her birth mother how vile her adoptive mother had been as she didn't want to hurt her birth mother's feelings. Bless her - she went into this thinking she could handle the worst, but she wishes she'd never done it now.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

duchy

Everyone is different
I know two sisters- one just about remembers her birth mother - and did meet her as an adult before she died very young. Her younger sister has no memory of her and has no curiosity or interest about her at all. They have the same (lovely) adoptive family. What's right for one person isn't right for another. Both are happy with their choices.

My partner has met his birth mother and she's nice enough but they don't have much in common but stay in touch.

Errata

MothballsWallet wrote: »

My adoption order was done through a Scottish court. Although it was about 26 years ago, I don't know if the council keeps their records this long (since, from other threads on here, there's no real national guidance or standard for such record keeping).

You mention talking to my wife about it: I have, and she's told me about Russian attitude to adopting and that she wouldn't bother if she was in my shoes.

But then, she would like us to have a child, so what if there's some hereditary medical condition on my side that I don't know anything about?

Thanks for all your answers so far, folks, they're much appreciated

and giving me food for thought.

Brutally, and I'm sorry, whatever it may have said in the original BC, it's a wise child that knows it's own father, so there's no guarantee that any "hereditary medical condition" may be known or accurate. And it's possible that like big noses it may skip a couple of generation in any case and be forgotten about.
Wishing you well, but sometimes tracking down birth parents doesn't turn out to be roses, moonlight and puppy dogs all the way.

Lady_Tara

Hi, I was adopted at 4 weeks old in England in the late 1960's, I traced and found my birth mother more than 20 years ago, and found 4 half siblings, and it has been a roller coaster but such a welcome find. For me, my genes are really strongly similar to theirs, eg looks, interests, outlook, personality, even mannerisms and it has really helped me feel better about myself. I've not been successful finding birth father as there is little info that my mum could give me even though she was in a relationship with him for a few years.

If you are on facebook I recommend joining some of the adoption groups - there are "search angels" who can help you start looking, and they do not charge.

I'd try and work out what your expectations are for the potential relationship(s), or worst case scenarios. I didn't do that, and its been hard working through that while being in the relationship, if you see what I mean.

Good luck.

Tigsteroonie

MothballsWallet wrote: »

But then, she would like us to have a child, so what if there's some hereditary medical condition on my side that I don't know anything about?

What if you were their only child - they may not know if the condition has skipped a generation. What if they are no longer alive, then you couldn't ask.

What are the chances of your child(ren) having issues that cannot be predicted through hereditary conditions or genetics? (thinking of our littl'un's deafness and autism, neither genetic)

Only you can really say whether you want to trace them or not. But what you do have to consider is whether, in thirty years' time, you may regret not having done so at an age when you could have a relationship.

double_mummy

as most of you know my half sister found me around 18 months ago (seems like a lot longer than that!)

my mum and full sister still refuse to speak to her which she feels really rejected by but is over the moon that she found someone she is related to by blood and has all the medical information about the family

she was searching for years until she found me but she is really glad she knows we are out here and that how ever small there is a possibility of talking to our mum in the future