Breaking up is so very hard to do

pinkandblueshoe

Maybe like a lot of kids, the Op´s husband grew up with what he knew, that was his normality, it doesnt mean someone is suicidal if they say they would rather die than be a part time dad. Its a phrase. Its very different to I´m going to kill myself.

But if folk think that a bombshell like the one the OP has just dropped wouldnt have an effect on many people´s mental health all I can say is when my ex walked out on me it took me around 6 months just to feel that I could function properly again and there were no kids involve.

Dont underestimate how heartbreak can affect people. Im sorry, but even if this is for the best, the OP is as far as Im concerned coming across as selfish, very selfish indeed.

skattykatty

Guest101 - I do not blame the OH. It's a painful situation all round.

I think TBagpuss far more eloquently and clearly communicated what I was mulling. Thanks.

bagpussbear

bubblycrazy wrote: »

I may find that I do just need space but since I have felt this way for a long time now, I can't see a bit of space changing much.

I think you should have a bit of space before making a final decision to split.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with others here that you have been unfair to your partner, he must be feeling devastated and the fact he is willing to give you space etc means he must love you. To simply just announce it's over without ever saying what you were unhappy about, I don't understand.

You could have told him what you were unhappy about and give him a chance at least.

Obviously we don't know the full facts and you may have very good reason, but may we ask what is it about him that made you so unhappy in the end?

seven-day-weekend

bubblycrazy wrote: »

I know and I feel terrible, I honestly thought it was obvious. We broke up once before and only got back together because I found out I was pregnant.





No I don't want to stop him seeing his child at all, he wants to stop me. Although I hope he just said it in the heat of the moment. (There is no reason he would ever win a fight like that, he just hates the thought of only being there part time)


He wants us to try and work things out by giving me some space and only meeting up every few days. I said that's not fair on him but he says he'd rather do that than lose me completely.

I don't blame him, he is the child's parent as much as you are. How will you arrange it? Half time each? Or have you decided that you are going to be the full time parent and he can be the part-time one?

It needs careful and sensitive negotiation to make sure that he is not unfairly treated, whilst of course ensuring that the effect upon your child is minimised as much as possible.

princeofpounds

Does no one else think it strange and worrying that her OH thought it right that his almost suicidally depressed mother stayed with his father.

Yes, probably. It's also a stupid thing to do, but when somebody gets dumped as a surprise, it wouldn't be surprising if they said something stupid. I think people didn't focus on it as it isn't directly related to the questions the OP asked.

It got too much for her and the sadness of the immediate situation won.

I thought this part of the story was quite interesting. In my experience (and this is totally non-scientific) many of the break-ups I have seen that came from the woman's side have been a result of dissatisfaction with the life situation in general, and the current partner being associated with that. Whereas for men that logic seems to be much more rare.


I'm not quire sure what drives it - any insight into the psychology welcome!

Guest101

princeofpounds wrote: »

Yes, probably. It's also a stupid thing to do, but when somebody gets dumped as a surprise, it wouldn't be surprising if they said something stupid. I think people didn't focus on it as it isn't directly related to the questions the OP asked.





I thought this part of the story was quite interesting. In my experience (and this is totally non-scientific) many of the break-ups I have seen that came from the woman's side have been a result of dissatisfaction with the life situation in general, and the current partner being associated with that. Whereas for men that logic seems to be much more rare.


I'm not quire sure what drives it - any insight into the psychology welcome!

Suspect it's often to do with the reliance on their partner for financial support and finances being so linked to the lifestyle.

Thereby their lifestyle is directly supported by (and the fault of) the provider.

Men (read provider if preferred) on the other hand feel more in control of the direction the life takes in terms of socio-economic standing.

FBaby

I assume you didn't wake up one morning unhappy. It must have built up. What would be unfair is if you kept it all inside, pretending all was fine until you built up your strength to leave the relationship because it means that you wanted to take your time to adjust to your decision so you wouldn't face the shock of a sudden break like your OH is facing.

If however you did communicate your issues, tried over and over to find ways to compromise and making it work, and despite all this, your OH did nothing about it and pretended that all was well so that it is now coming as a shock...well, that was just him chosing to be in denial and I don't think you have anything to blame yourself over and I can understand the nothing more you can say at this stage than what you have already told him many times.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Don't let him guilt you into staying. Or anybody else - if it is over for you, then whether he likes it or not, he's going to have to deal with it without hysterical threats to trap you.

Anybody, male or female, who threatens suicide or to use a child as a weapon to control somebody else, is in the wrong.

I've been dumped and I've been the dumper. Sometimes it just has to be cold and clinical, because the alternative is a protracted living death.

Both people have to want to be in a relationship for it to have any future. To go through the motions is dishonest and causes far more harm in the longterm.

Bublin1

I think it's disgraceful that he 'threatened' to apply for full custody. That was guilt trip not something someone should say if they truly loved you. Once someone makes that kind of a statement, forever more I would not trust them.


What makes him think he would get full custody? Unless you're an unfit Mother I doubt that would happen anyway so OP, don't worry about that.

bubblycrazy

Thank you for all the responses, I don't want to go into too many details but I have read, and given thought, to all posts.
I agree with everyones (differing) views as that is the way my mind is swinging from one feeling to the other.

Just to clarify a view points
- yes he did mean suicide when he said he would rather die.
- I would like us to fully share parental responsibility 50/50, he is a good dad. I have always sworn I would not use children as a weapon or stop access.

We have talked some more today and thanks to insight here I have been more honest with how I feel.
He admits that my issues with him are all things he knows need dealing with, and that I have moaned repeatedly about in the past.
But because I didn't actually say 'if these things don't change I will leave you' then he didn't think they were that much of a problem.

Mrshaworth2b wrote: »

I think what you need to work out is if you go with counselling and a lot of changes, whether you actually want to be in the relationship or whether given all that could change (as he's obviously willing) you want to still leave.

This is definitely the part I am struggling with, and if this is the case I don't want to hurt him even more by prolonging the break up.