Breaking up is so very hard to do

bubblycrazy

I have finally come to the end of the road with my relationship and have told OH that it is over.
He is shocked, didn't think anything was wrong, and doesn't want us to break up. He keeps saying things like, 'so you're happy to throw away xx amount of years', and 'is it not worth fighting for?'


My problem is I feel incredibly guilty for breaking up our family, and breaking his heart, and can't find it in me to tell him bluntly that I've been unhappy for a long time, and that no it's not worth fighting for anymore. I feel this would hurt him even more but he thinks I am deciding this on a whim.


He wants to come over and talk things through but I know it will just lead to the same arguments and going round in circles. He is willing to give me space and see if I 'pull round', but I feel like it will just prolong the hurt because I think I know that it is definitely over, there would be too much he would have to change for things to be ok, and I don't feel that he deserves that, someone should love him the way he is.


I may find that I do just need space but since I have felt this way for a long time now, I can't see a bit of space changing much.


He also thinks that people should never split when there is a child involved and said his mam was often suicidal over her relationship while he was growing up, but stayed with his dad anyway!


He has said he would rather die than be a part time dad, but has also said he will go to court to gain full access.


I have no idea how to tell him it is definitely over without bringing up past issues and hurting him even more. What a mess.

Pidge_jen

You have done the right thing by being honest with him. Be prepared for him to become angry, to beg, plead and pull the emotional heart strings. At the end of the day you can't feel what you don't feel. It takes a strong person to admit when things are not right and walk away. Hugs x

amistupid

Have you considered any form of counselling to try and save your relationship?

Dustyblinds

I think your very brave to do this, can't offer any advice but wish you well for the future.

Mojisola

bubblycrazy wrote: »

I have finally come to the end of the road with my relationship and have told OH that it is over.
He is shocked, didn't think anything was wrong, and doesn't want us to break up.

My problem is I feel incredibly guilty for breaking up our family, and breaking his heart, and can't find it in me to tell him bluntly that I've been unhappy for a long time, and that no it's not worth fighting for anymore.

Poor man - this has come out of the blue for him.

Why didn't you talk about being unhappy much, much earlier?

DandelionPatrol

bubblycrazy wrote: »

... He has said he would rather die than be a part time dad, but has also said he will go to court to gain full access.

???? Are you planning on making him go to court if he wants full access?

Is there more to your situation?

bubblycrazy wrote: »

He is shocked, didn't think anything was wrong, and doesn't want us to break up.

So it came as a surprise to him - you have not been engaging him in trying to see the problems that you see and in trying to set things on a better course?

bubblycrazy wrote: »

My problem is I feel incredibly guilty for breaking up our family, and breaking his heart, and can't find it in me to tell him bluntly that I've been unhappy for a long time, and that no it's not worth fighting for anymore. I feel this would hurt him even more but he thinks I am deciding this on a whim.

Perhaps by trying to avoid hurt you have caused and will only cause more hurt. Unless the core issue is one which puts you in a women's refuge, really you ought to be making room for him to input into the situation.

onomatopoeia99

Your post reads like you have announced the relationship is over without first talking to him about being unhappy, so as far as he was aware you were happy until now.

Is this true?

I ask this because I had a girlfriend walk out of the house we had bought together one Sunday morning without ever saying anything about being unhappy. It was literally "I'm leaving you. Today. If you go out for an hour I'll pack some stuff and be gone before you get back."

There are a lot of things that hurt about that experience, but one of the worst was that she never talked to me about what she wanted, why she decide to look elsewhere, anything surrounding the relationship and it felt like she hadn't even tried nor given me a chance to make a difference - that really hurt.

So, as someone who has been through a breakup which seems to have similarities to what you have described (albeit without children together), I'd say please be honest and explain your feelings and reasons to him. You talk about not hurting him - from my experience making a huge, life changing decision affecting you both, on you your own, without talking to him about it, is one of the most hurtful things it is possible to do to someone.

It was 15 years ago for me and while I'm well over her, rememebring what she did makes me feel very down, even now.

mellymoo74

It can be hard to articulate feelings.

Speaking as someone who left a long term relationship it was the hardest thing I have ever done, I had invested time, we owned a house the decision was difficult and the way I did it would appear callous to an outsider.
It was the best way of ensuring I didn't stay because he was one of my best friends and we owned a house making sure he hated me.

Still a big regret.

bubblycrazy

Mojisola wrote: »

Poor man - this has come out of the blue for him.

Why didn't you talk about being unhappy much, much earlier?

I know and I feel terrible, I honestly thought it was obvious. We broke up once before and only got back together because I found out I was pregnant.

DandelionPatrol wrote: »

???? Are you planning on making him go to court if he wants full access?

No I don't want to stop him seeing his child at all, he wants to stop me. Although I hope he just said it in the heat of the moment. (There is no reason he would ever win a fight like that, he just hates the thought of only being there part time)


He wants us to try and work things out by giving me some space and only meeting up every few days. I said that's not fair on him but he says he'd rather do that than lose me completely.

marisco_2

bubblycrazy wrote: »

I know and I feel terrible, I honestly thought it was obvious. We broke up once before and only got back together because I found out I was pregnant.

I have the awful feeling that he wasn't aware that the only reason you reconciled was because of the pregnancy. If that is the case then he has been treated really badly.

mgdavid

Pidge_jen wrote: »

You have done the right thing by being honest with him. ........

I really don't know how you can think or say that when it's so far from the truth!! This man has been strung along for some years apparently, and even now isn't being told why, or given any chance to rectify any issues.