Breaking up is so very hard to do

Guest101

Bublin1 wrote: »

I think it's disgraceful that he 'threatened' to apply for full custody. That was guilt trip not something someone should say if they truly loved you. Once someone makes that kind of a statement, forever more I would not trust them.


What makes him think he would get full custody? Unless you're an unfit Mother I doubt that would happen anyway so OP, don't worry about that.

Well he's got as much right to custody as the OP.

I don't see why that would be such a bad thing to say?

- it's ok just #everydaysexism

duchy

Guest101 wrote: »

Well he's got as much right to custody as the OP.

I don't see why that would be such a bad thing to say?

- it's ok just #everydaysexism

I don't think it is- It seems that the parent who spends the most time caring for the child tends to end up as the PWC after a couple split.

Whether your everyday sexism is because more women (not all) tend to be the ones who fit their work around family life rather than family life around work -and are a symptom that families in general do still practice sexism is an interesting point. After all how many men are routinely asked if they intend to give up work and become a SAHP when they announce their impending arrival ?

olibrofiz

bubblycrazy wrote: »

He admits that my issues with him are all things he knows need dealing with, and that I have moaned repeatedly about in the past.
But because I didn't actually say 'if these things don't change I will leave you' then he didn't think they were that much of a problem.

QUOTE]



Yes bubblycrazy, been there, walked away, twice. There were problems, but I didn't say 'if these things don't change I'll leave you' - eventually any love and respect I had died. At that point, for me, no amount of talking would have put either relationship back on track. 25 and 30 years on I do still feel some guilt over walking away, but not enough to wish I'd stayed with either ex. Hard thing to do, and I guess people who have never been in that position may not understand fully why anyone could do that, but those that have will x

Pollycat

olibrofiz wrote: »

Yes bubblycrazy, been there, walked away, twice. There were problems, but I didn't eventually any love and respect I had died. At that point, for me, no amount of talking would have put either relationship back on track. 25 and 30 years on I do still feel some guilt over walking away, but not enough to wish I'd stayed with either ex. Hard thing to do, and I guess people who have never been in that position may not understand fully why anyone could do that, but those that have will x

But the point that other posters are making is that if it had been made clear that some of the issues the OP had were marriage-breakers, her ex may have been able to change.

Maybe if you had said 'if these things don't change I'll leave you' things could have changed in your relationship.
Or maybe not.

The key thing is that neither you nor the OP gave your partners the chance.

I personally can't understand why one partner within a marriage/relationship would just let things deteriorate to the extent that the only option was to say 'it's over' instead of at least trying to talk things through.

olibrofiz

Thank you. I get the point the other posters are making. I personally CAN understand why one partner within a marriage/relationship can reach that point. And my post was a little support for the OP as there are a number of negative posts towards her regarding her decision. If her original post had had a whiff of violence in it she would be being patted on the back for 'escaping'. We don't know exactly what the OP faced (& don't need to), but they were important enough to her to make the decision she did.


Trust me, if I had said those exact words in either of the relationships I walked out of there would have been emotional blackmail and violence, and years of that stretching in front of me. My decision was not taken lightly. How can you state the 'key thing' that no chances were given - you don't have all the facts.


I guess I'm going to get a little warm now

Primrose

i,m sorry for your plight but I do feel it is very.unfair of you simply to thrust this on him unexpectedly when you have been brooding about it for ages apparently but have not had the courage to sit down discuss it with him honestly. And yes, i think it is unreasonable to throw away all those years without having first tried any formal counselling - Doesn,t yiur child/children deserve you playing fair with their future over this or don't their needs rank at least equally with yours?

We obviously don,t know what the domestic issues are which have led you to this point but now your husband is finally aware of what is at stake do you not consider you should give your marriage one last chance? If he can,t atep up to the plate, fair enough, but now he,s aware your family risks being torn asunder and the two of you risk running yourselves nto finsncial difficulties and stress over legal action for access, please step back to reflect on the unhappiness splitting up will cause. As adults yiu bth owe your child/children one more effort .

Pollycat

olibrofiz wrote: »

Trust me, if I had said those exact words in either of the relationships I walked out of there would have been emotional blackmail and violence, and years of that stretching in front of me. My decision was not taken lightly. How can you state the 'key thing' that no chances were given - you don't have all the facts.

I guess I'm going to get a little warm now

Posters can only comment on the information provided.

From the information given by you, you had problems but didn't mention them with a view to trying to save the relationships, you just 'walked away'.
My comments were based on that information.

You did not mention 'blackmail and violence' in your post.
If you had done so, my reply would probably have been very different or more likely, there would not have been a reply to your post from me at all.

skattykatty

I don't know that threatening to leave is the most effective manner in which to trigger another person to change. I think that leads to the person charged with changing treading on eggshells wondering when and if the knife will drop severing the relationship for ever. It's another example of all or nothing thinking. Aren't relationships, all relationships, about compromise? As long as the compromise is one that all feel comfortable with and someone is not contorting themselves to fit another's template of a good partner, friend, child.

It seems from what OP has said that the relationship IS over. If she stayed because of her pregnancy then it may have been over for a long time. Counselling can help you both find a way towards co-parenting in a respectful and consistent manner, which will support your child through the break up. It's important to separate out your issues with each other from the manner in which you both agree to look after your child physically, financially and emotionally.

Pollycat

skattykatty wrote: »

I don't know that threatening to leave is the most effective manner in which to trigger another person to change. I think that leads to the person charged with changing treading on eggshells wondering when and if the knife will drop severing the relationship for ever. It's another example of all or nothing thinking. Aren't relationships, all relationships, about compromise? As long as the compromise is one that all feel comfortable with and someone is not contorting themselves to fit another's template of a good partner, friend, child.

It seems from what OP has said that the relationship IS over. If she stayed because of her pregnancy then it may have been over for a long time. Counselling can help you both find a way towards co-parenting in a respectful and consistent manner, which will support your child through the break up. It's important to separate out your issues with each other from the manner in which you both agree to look after your child physically, financially and emotionally.

Quite likely - for her.

But obviously not for her partner who has been sand-bagged with the news that the relationship is over out of the blue.

Although the OP didn't say she would leave him if he didn't change what she didn't like (and I too think it would have been wrong to issue such an ultimatum) it sounds like she thought it was obvious but he clearly didn't realise how much was hanging on him changing certain things.

A clear communication problem which has resulting in the relationship ending unhappily.