Breaking up is so very hard to do

VestanPance

What a horrible person.

Strings some poor person along for a long time without telling them how they feel or trying to resolve issues and then won't give them a straight answer.

And people wonder why I decided a single life was the way forward!

elona

Does no one else think it strange and worrying that her OH thought it right that his almost suicidally depressed mother stayed with his father.

To me it does not sound as if he has much empathy and understanding.

skattykatty

For whatever reason the OP did what she did when she did it and now has to face the consequences. It must be a huge shock for her OH, though I wonder whether his all or nothing reaction - I would rather die than be a part time dad OR I will take our child away from you - is an indicator of how he responds to difficulties generally? His template of relationships is: suicidal mother remains in deeply unhappy marriage for the sake of the child who grows up to threaten suicide when he can't have what he wants. Deeply troubling.

At this point, counselling may be helpful to support you both to make a break that can lead to a respectful relationship within which to nurture your child. You have to remain clear in your wish to separate in order for him to begin to accept the reality, so you can both begin to consider the best interests of your child, which does not involve growing up with a deeply unhappy mother who puts on a mask to the world.

Guest101

skattykatty wrote: »

For whatever reason the OP did what she did when she did it and now has to face the consequences. It must be a huge shock for her OH, though I wonder whether his all or nothing reaction - I would rather die than be a part time dad OR I will take our child away from you - is an indicator of how he responds to difficulties generally? His template of relationships is: suicidal mother remains in deeply unhappy marriage for the sake of the child who grows up to threaten suicide when he can't have what he wants. Deeply troubling.

At this point, counselling may be helpful to support you both to make a break that can lead to a respectful relationship within which to nurture your child. You have to remain clear in your wish to separate in order for him to begin to accept the reality, so you can both begin to consider the best interests of your child, which does not involve growing up with a deeply unhappy mother who puts on a mask to the world.

Ok well you can play the "let's presume we know the OH" game, from what the OP said.

I suspect the reason for such outbursts is that his life is crumbling around him and the OP refuses to speak, acknowledge, amend, discuss, sympathise, fix, or take any action whatsoever. - unless its a selfish one ofcourse.

But ye lets blame the OH. Stupid man, not being psychic and able to read the OPs mind and reacting badly when thrown a complete curve ball.

Drunk_Monkey

David301 wrote: »

You should be honest with him, my wife told me that she was unhappy about 2 years ago. I knew she was unhappy on many levels. We both didn't like where we lived, she didn't enjoy working in our business that we had and her unhappiness added to my unhappiness and we just got into a lower and lower state.

We had a discussion, one of the honest kind and came up with a strategy to improve our life. Unfortunately it would have involved a year of putting ourselves in more misery to do it.

She went to visit a friend of hers for a weekend and when she came back it was no longer the situation that was the problem it was me. She booked another trip to her friends and when she came back she announced we were finished. This was mid-december so there was nothing she could do to leave our home until mid-january so we had to live together for about a month.

It was absolute hell. The things she was saying to me were horrible, accusing me of all sorts, using words like manipulative and controlling and so many other things that just were not true. I know my wife well and I knew this was her way of reaffirming to herself she was doing the right thing, but also trying to push me away.

She wouldn't talk to me and I just couldn't be bothered to try any more because she just kept saying things like "the fog has been lifted" and "i can see clearly now" and "I dont even know who you are any more"

It was heartbreaking and it hurt me so badly.

She left mid-January and didn't even say goodbye as she walked out of the door.

I was so hurt and demoralised at this point I was glad she was gone. I tried to pick myself up and chucked myself into the business to numb the pain and started to see an improvement. I did miss her dearly but didnt even attempt to make contact because i knew the rejection would have been another set back to me.

A week after she had gone and she started trying to make contact. I was still so raw and ignored it at first but gradually we started speaking. After about 11 weeks she had been unable to find work and had spent all of the money she had taken and the couple thousand PPI refund which she had received back whilst she was gone. She said she needed to somewhere to stay and came back to live in our home.

I said to her at the time, that I was unsure why she wanted to come and live somewhere that she hated with someone that she apparently hated and she just said because she had no where else to go.

This rocked the boat a bit because I was getting on top of our financial problems and even managed to get some savings.

After a few more months she came into my bedroom in floods of tears asking how I was taking the break up so well because she was a mess. I put it bluntly that she made it quite clear we were over and that she didn't like me so what did she want from me?

We are back together now and our relationship is strong. but the whole thing really affected me. It was horrible and I would never want anyone to go through it the way I did.

If she had been honest at the time, we could have dealt with it in another way, rather than the cruelty and mass upset that occurred.

Being honest lets everyone move on, be it together, or apart. It seems like it will hurt more but it will hurt a so much less than someone living in false hope.

Sorry for the waffle, first time i've written it out and i found it quite therapeutic!

I hope you don’t mind my asking, but honest about what? (referring to the comments in red)
Wasn’t she being honest when she came back from her friends place? Or honest before calling you for help.
Don’t mean to pry .. just a bit curious …

Guest101

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

I hope you don’t mind my asking, but honest about what? (referring to the comments in red)
Wasn’t she being honest when she came back from her friends place? Or honest before calling you for help.
Don’t mean to pry .. just a bit curious …

I suspect the friend she saw was single and living the life of riley. Putting ideas into the wife about all men being controlling and how its much better to be free of the 'leash' etc etc.

The reality was not that

TBagpuss

I would suggest that you consider attending RELATE with him - they are not just about counselling to try to restore a relationship but can also help you to communicate effectively so he can better understand why you were unhappy, and so you can both work on improving communication for the future, as you will need to be able to communicate with each other effectively to work together to bring up your child.

His comments about his mum suggest that he was living in a very dysfunctional situation growing up, and it may well be that he would benefit from separate help around this - it may be that he has no experience of a happy, healthy relationship so has not seen / recognised signs that you were unhappy.

I think in fairness to hiom, it is reasonable to tell him that you have been unhappy for a long time and to explain to him some ofthe reasonabs for that - yes, it may be hurtful, but not more hurtful than being told that the relationship is over with no clue as to how or why you have come to that decision.

Again, Relate would give the two of you a safe space to have those conversations, and would be able to support each of you in dealing with the consequences.

One thing to bear in mind is hat this is something which you have known about, and been building up to, for a long time. For him, it has come as a bolt out of the blue. *He* may need some time even if you don't. Why not say to him what you have said here, that you have been unhappy for a long time, that you have tried to stick with it because of your child, but you have come to the conclusion that it isn't working, and you feel, sadly, that there is so much that needs to change for you to be happy together that you don't feel it is realistically going to happen.
But offer to go to relate. Offer to give him some time to come to terms with the changes, before you start divorce proceedings or take other, permanent, action.

Make some positive suggestions about sharing the care of your child.

Talking is hard,, but it can help both of you to move on, and to feel that your views and feelings have been taken into account.

Mrshaworth2b

I think what you need to work out is if you go with counselling and a lot of changes, whether you actually want to be in the relationship or whether given all that could change (as he's obviously willing) you want to still leave.

There is no point in going to relate if you know that he can change and you still won't want to be with him.

If things have gotten so bad that you want to leave then I think you have both made mistakes in not recognising and also talking about the problems that have led you to where you are. But this cannot be changed now and I'm sure you probably see this for yourself and do not need all the posters on here berating you for those mistakes. No ones relationship is perfect, but the key is definitely communication and maybe there has been a lack of it in this one. Good luck whatever you decide the road ahead will be difficult no matter what but only you know what you want.

David301

Drunk_Monkey wrote: »

I hope you don’t mind my asking, but honest about what? (referring to the comments in red)
Wasn’t she being honest when she came back from her friends place? Or honest before calling you for help.
Don’t mean to pry .. just a bit curious …

Nope dont mind you asking.

The situation was complicated because when we were 24 her health was bad, lots of misdiagnosis and wrong medicine that made her worse. I was self employed and she gave up work because she was always off sick.

Interest rates had hit rock bottom and the chance to get on the property ladder was too good to miss. The only way we could get a high enough "income" to fit the lenders criteria was by buying a shop, and then my self employed income. She would be able to work the shop when she felt ok and I would do the shop and my other self employed bits.

The bank put us on a short leash though and said we did the loans over 10 years or wouldn't get the money. We knew financially it would be a struggle, but the idea of being early 30's and no mortgage in this day an age was too good to pass up.

It put unbearable financial strain on us, we were young, had friends that would go abroad, buy nice things and we were just struggling by. It got too much for her and the sadness of the immediate situation won. She became disinterested in the business and financial side, so didn't see the amount that the mortgage was dropping each month. She was just living with no cash, no fun, no life.

It wasn't a nice way to live. I was just about able to cling onto the fact that life would become so much easier for us in a matter of years, and then we would be the ones envied with holidays abroad and nice things whilst others were watching their cash to make sure they had the mortgage money, or in most instances, rent money.

When we spoke about how we could make life better, the only conclusion was to find around £10k in a year, then put on the market and sell. That was agreed (her health had improved by this point i should add) We agreed that one or other needed to find a job work it full time and /that was our leaving fund, we would sell and that would be our deposit for a new home. She agreed to all of it, she was part of the conversation and she could see that was the only way.

How things played out though she had no intention of doing any of it, she went to her friend (who still lived at home with parents BTW) and obviously discussed what was said and came back to say we were finished. Funnily enough i had just secured employment for the year on more money than we needed to leave but I was the problem by then.

David301

Just to add, she isn't a bad person, quite the opposite, she is my best friend and a very kind person. She just became eaten away from the inside and couldn't see any other way to remove herself from the situation.

She has said that if I hadn't have "taken her back" she would have been heartbroken and destroyed.

I love her and married her so there was no doubt in my mind that i wouldnt want to try, but she needed that time to realise what she wanted, and also to realise that our life wasn't completely sh*t lol