best friends child and my baby

AmyTurtle

My best friend is a completely namby pamby with her 20 month old and he runs rings round her. However, when he tries to trash my flat I tell him off in a very loud, sharp voice. In my experience it's the tone of voice you use with toddlers, not what you actually say. BFF is always amazed that her son does as I say!
She tries to justify him by making comments about how when my baby comes my flat will be trashed all the time but I have nephews and nieces the same age and if they acted like her son in their own homes, let alone mine, their parents would discipline them.

Basically, your house, your rules - if she won't control him, do it yourself. I do in my home and no parent has ever complained.

Errata

Perhaps the problem is that the baby's mother has no knowledge of and doesn't understand boundaries.

onlyroz

The world revolves around my 3-year-old niece - I am pretty sure she is allowed to get away with anything at home. She was round my house a few weeks ago playing in my daughter's bedroom. My daughter had made a kind of "soup" out of glitter and water and they were playing with it together making a nice little mess. I took it off them and said that I didn't like them making such a mess, and my niece turned her puppy-dog eyes on me and said "but I want to play with it Auntie Onlyroz". She was extremely shocked when I said "no" to her - I don't think she'd ever heard the workd before - but after a minor lip-trembling moment she accepted it and found something else to play with.

I would not be afraid to discipline somebody else's child in your own home. Use stair-gates to barracade off the areas of the house with the breakable ornaments, and say a firm "no" when the child does something you view to be unnacceptable. And if that doesn't work just stand up and say that you're all going for a walk to the park, because the kids are obviously bored.

gayleygoo

You don't "have all this to come". There are a great many toddlers who are capable of being gentle and kind towards babies. It has to be explained that babies are delicate, and a firm "no" dealt out when the child is not being gentle.

I hate offending people too, but you should not feel bad for saying "sorry, I'd rather not meet at my house today because [Emma] is too rough with the baby." You could add "I'm walking to the park if you'd like to meet me there?"

If she ever is at your house again, set your own boundaries. Explain that she's not allowed to touch the baby because she's too small, or take stuff off her, but she could sing to her, because "she likes that". Don't let her in other rooms where she could wreck stuff, and keep the doors closed. You might have to enforce this by calmly removing her from the room, taking ornaments out of her hands etc. If her mum doesn't do it, you do it, and the child will learn to listen to you.

You could try having a special "Emma Box" (whatever her name is, of course!) at your house, with a colouring book, crayons, play dough (with a plastic mat or tray to have it out on) and bubbles etc in it so that she has some fun to do while she's at your house, and no reason to be getting up to mischief. A supply of stickers for her to decorate the box is good too. Play is a great way of demonstrating boundaries - e.g. stickers can go on the box/paper/mummy, but not the furniture or baby. I bring colouring books nearly everywhere with me and it usually prevents child behaviour incidents as they have something to do.

Ultimately it is your friend who should be taking measures to prevent "naughty" behaviour, and if changing your own tactics doesn't work and her toddler is a risk to babies then you might have to have a tea-and-cake discussion about the situation with your friend. You may value the friendship but your baby's welfare comes first.

ETA I've just read that she has books at your house so maybe the box idea is a long shot...

marisco_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

For heaven's sake, grow a backbone. You do love your child, I take it?

It isn't necessary to be so aggressive or to question if the OP loves her child. I do agree though that it would be right to correct the bad behaviour and for her own child to grow up knowing that her mum will always have her back.

Errata

I don't think the mum recognises how bad the behaviour is, given that she's posted "i know my daughter will get hurt one of these days."

paddy's_mum

Marisco - I have thanked your post because, as so often, you speak good sense and it is never a bad thing to be asked to examine one's own attitudes and views.

However, I stand by my comments.

Throughout this thread, baby's mother has repeatedly said what the actual problem is but in the face of all advice, continued with a (in my view) somewhat wimpish 'oh, I can't risk offending my friend'.

I feel that the innocent baby deserves a much firmer, assertive and yes, aggressive if need be, defence than she is apparently so far getting. What injury will be sustained before Mother can find it within herself to prevent it?

An earlier responder made the point that if the baby arrived at the surgery or clinic covered in bruises, how will Mother explain them. I wouldn't want the humiliation of having to explain to a concerned health professional that I had done next to nothing to protect my baby from a child that I KNEW was out of control and a risk to my (presumably loved) baby.

The OP goes on to say that the other mother is, basically, lazy. I'd be out of my lair spitting like a tigress at anyone who dared to put one of my children at risk...and I wouldn't care who I offended if I knew that I was protecting my child. Why isn't the OP when it is very clear that she knows beyond any doubt that there is a real, genuine problem?

If my comments are considered too harsh and aggressive, then so be it. However, if this Mother is shocked into pulling up short and thinking things through on a logical, loving basis (such as the question 'to whom does my loyalty and duty belong'?) then my words will have been worth it, I believe.

It would perhaps be illuminating to discover what the baby's father thinks of a situation where his child is repeatedly being put at risk of harm because his partner doesn't wish to offend some woman who, by her sloppy, selfish and lacksadaisical behaviour, is proving that she isn't what most other people would term a real friend in any case.

dancingfairy

OP I hope writing it all down and getting feed back has made you realise just how much of a problem this.
You and your child deserve much better. Only you know whether it's worth trying to make things work with your friend , whilst keeping a much closer eye on your little one and putting extra boundaries in place or whether the friendship needs to take a break (either temporarily or permanently).
I'd suggest going somewhere together like a mother and toddler session or a childrens centre. Somewhere where there will be other parents and children. This will give you an opportunity to meet other mums and their children and will give your friend an idea of what is going wrong and if others are around such as at a childrens centre your friend can get some help and support. All this is of course supposing that you do still want to be friends and you believe she can change.
Ultimately you might be better doing these activities on your own.
df

dancingfairy

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Marisco - I have thanked your post because, as so often, you speak good sense and it is never a bad thing to be asked to examine one's own attitudes and views.

However, I stand by my comments.

Throughout this thread, baby's mother has repeatedly said what the actual problem is but in the face of all advice, continued with a (in my view) somewhat wimpish 'oh, I can't risk offending my friend'.

I feel that the innocent baby deserves a much firmer, assertive and yes, aggressive if need be, defence than she is apparently so far getting. What injury will be sustained before Mother can find it within herself to prevent it?

An earlier responder made the point that if the baby arrived at the surgery or clinic covered in bruises, how will Mother explain them. I wouldn't want the humiliation of having to explain to a concerned health professional that I had done next to nothing to protect my baby from a child that I KNEW was out of control and a risk to my (presumably loved) baby.

The OP goes on to say that the other mother is, basically, lazy. I'd be out of my lair spitting like a tigress at anyone who dared to put one of my children at risk...and I wouldn't care who I offended if I knew that I was protecting my child. Why isn't the OP when it is very clear that she knows beyond any doubt that there is a real, genuine problem?

If my comments are considered too harsh and aggressive, then so be it. However, if this Mother is shocked into pulling up short and thinking things through on a logical, loving basis (such as the question 'to whom does my loyalty and duty belong'?) then my words will have been worth it, I believe.

It would perhaps be illuminating to discover what the baby's father thinks of a situation where his child is repeatedly being put at risk of harm because his partner doesn't wish to offend some woman who, by her sloppy, selfish and lacksadaisical behaviour, is proving that she isn't what most other people would term a real friend in any case.

Sometimes it's not that easy to see what you're caught up in things. If this person has been a friend for 8 years then perhaps the OP is determined to give her the benefit of the doubt and hasn't realised how bad things have got?
df

System

I think you need to put your foot down. The way your friend's child is behaving is unacceptable and you need to make that clear,