best friends child and my baby

sharon4adam

my friend of 8 years has a two year old daughter. i have a 3 month old. we only meet once a week at hers or mine. ive tried suggesting soft play and parks but my friend wont walk anywhere and never wants to do these things.

anyway toddlers will be toddlers. there all different. but my friend is allowing her daughter to be mean to my baby and not even atempting to teach her. it started off with my baby at 2 weeks old. she was being sweet but pulling her arms around. forcing the dummy into her lips and just normal stuff like that. her mum did not show her hoe to be gentle or get up and stop her ramming the dummy into her mouth.

things have just got worse and worse. no matter how much fuss i make of her she just has to go over to wherever my baby is and scream in her face etc. yesterday she was asleep on her playmat. i was making her a bottle and my friend was watching. my baby started screaming. she had a pink mark on her head. all day she was snatching teethers of her and snarling MINE at her. i tried to guide her to other toys whilst her mum just sat there. i put her in the bouncer chair and she came over and banged her fist onto the toy bar and yelled mine in her face again. she atempted to pull a hanging toy out of my daughters hand but the toy was attached so she tipped the bouncer. not wanting to risk her getting hurt i lifted her out and my friend said to her.... quick whilst babies not in the chair get in. it is a birth to toddler chair but... how is that teaching her not to be mean.

she trashes my house on top of all this. i move what i can but she chews anything and everything. my daughters toys and wipes. she pinches her sterilsed dummys and bottles. climbs on my furniture (and i dont mean sofas)

if i go to her house she snatches her toys of my daughter and says mine! my friend rolls her eyes.

fair enough shes at an age where shes learning. But having to struggle with her around my baby every week is getting a pain. i know my daughter will get hurt one of these days. plus shes learning to play now so i am not happy with her not being safe to go in her bouncer. im not happy with a two year old trying to ban her from holding anything.

my friend wants to meet again tues or thurs. im really not in the mood to deal with it anymore but how can i say it. like i say ive tried suggesting other things but she just wants to sit at home. she is my only friend other than mates me and my partner see together. its nothing againts her child but she clearly does not like my baby at the min and my daughter is more important.

how can i sort this? sorry for long post. shes always been allowed to climb. roam the house. touch anything etc. shes a really tiring kid at the mo

j.e.j.

I don't know how you put up with it, to be honest. If someone else's child was slapping my baby and trashing my house and the dimwit of a mother was just sitting there watching and doing nothing about it I think the two of them would be shown the door.

missbiggles1

Not my idea of a friend - I'd drop her.

ciderwithrosie_2

Tell her off next time she does something nasty. Get down to her level and say firmly 'stop shouting/snatching/hurting my baby and go and sit over there with mummy'. She'll probably be so shocked at someone disciplining her she'll do it! If your friend says 'what do you think you're doing?' - just give it her straight that your not prepared to sit and watch her daughter hurt and upset your baby any longer and if she won't discipline her, you will. But, be ready for a huffy walk out.

However, this situation can't continue, as you say, your little one could get a worse injury as if her behaviour goes unchecked it'll escalate

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It has to be 'no'.

I'm not surprised with a kid like this that mum doesn't want to go anywhere else - she's probably a hundred times worse where there's the chance of running in front of cars or meeting three year olds that are likely to deck her if she tries the same on them.

But that isn't your problem.

Join a mum and baby/toddler group. Most toddlers aren't like that, and you'll meet other parents who don't let their kids do that to babies or stop them scaling the bookcases. Maybe even suggest your friend goes along, because she might think this is normal behaviour and she seems to need to socialise the kid.


To give an idea, a neighbour's child was like this when my DD was a baby - by the time he was three, she'd begged me to take her cat because she was genuinely scared he would kill her. Seeing as I came home one day to see the poor thing being dangled out of a third floor window by her tail, it wouldn't have surprised me had that happened. Said mog is peacefully snoring on the OH's lap right now. But he went to a friend of hers for childcare and he never spent any time around other children - and she was too tired to do anything to reinforce boundaries or rules when she got in from work. Once she lost her job, she started taking him to groups and then clubs and, now he's eleven, he's a very nice boy. Because he learned acceptable behaviour that he hadn't before.

You shouldn't have to put up with it. And whilst I'd have been likely to tell a toddler no very clearly (and tough if mum doesn't like it), not everybody would. So don't put yourself and your baby in that awkward position. Or risky position.

gettingtheresometime

Start refusing to meet her...whether it be at yours or hers.

If your friend (and I would seriously question whether she is a friend if she is allowing her daughter to act like that to a 3 month old) asks why the visits have stopped then tell her the truth -you are protecting your child from being potentially hurt.

God help her if she has another child

pollypenny

What sort of mother would allow her toddler to behave like that? She's clearly frightening your baby and sometimes hurting her.

I would tell the child off, firmly and without raising your voice,in front of your friend. If she objects, tough. End of friendship.

rach_k

It is very difficult when you have a child who does things to other kids, but most normal parents would do their best to stop it happening and be mortified if it did! Your friend sounds like she either doesn't care or doesn't even realise it's a problem.

I would suggest taking a week or two or three away from them. I wouldn't do a full on "your child hurts mine and you need to stop it before we see you again" because toddlers will always have their moments and that's quite full on if she doesn't even realise it's not okay, but I would say something like "well, your little one doesn't seem to enjoy playing with mine very much at the moment, so perhaps we'll skip this week and try again in a week or two, maybe things will have changed by then". Make it about both kids, because really if the toddler is running around screeching about things being hers she doesn't sound like she is having a good time either. Toddlers do change very quickly - mine went from angels to demons to angels again within a few days sometimes! Do meet up in a couple of weeks and be firm but fair. "No, it's not nice to the baby if you hurt her/scream at her and that is her toy, when she's finished she will let you have a go" etc, then if she doesn't stop either pick up baby and toy and move, or move the toddler to her mum. If she continues, cut the visit short and suggest trying again in a few more weeks. The mum should get the idea - you're not going to see her so often if she keeps allowing her child to terrorise yours!

bouicca21

As RachK says the toddler is obviously not enjoying things at all. Are there appropriate toys for her to play with? Do you and the other mum play with her during the visit?

NobodysChild

Hello Sharon.

I am sorry to say this but I believe this situation will not change.

I had a friend who had a baby a couple of months older than my first born, (I met her at the under 2's group.) Well her daughter was walking when mine was still crawling, and this little girl kept stomping on my baby and snatching stuff off her and hitting her!

After the 4th or 5th time, I said 'don't do that. please... you're hurting her.' My friend looked very annoyed that I had the temerity to scold her baby. (Well, she wouldn't do it, so someone had to!)

This one time my daughter pushed back, (when she was about 14 months old,) and this 'friend' said 'Oooooh, are you turning into a bully?!' :eek:

I was so incensed that I never called her again. I lived 2 miles from her, and I quit the group and found another. She left a couple of messages on my answerphone, but I never replied, and I never bothered with her again. I saw her about a year later in the shopping centre, and I don't think she noticed me. Even now I don't think she knows what she did.

It wasn't me throwing a hissy fit; things had been happening for ages and this was the straw that broke the camel's back! Plus I was heavily pregnant with my second baby then, and thought 'I can do without this!'

The woman was oblivious to what her daughter was doing. This woman sounds the same. I would give her a wide berth and try and ditch her to be honest.

warehouse

As long as you let it happen then nothing will change. Please don't think I'm trying to be harsh but you're as bad as your friend for letting it happen. How can you put your baby at any risk whatsoever?

You need to put a ban on this friend, (some friend eh), until your baby is safe with her child, and that will be when the child isn't there.