Here we can all be heard for a little while

Wellyboots6

Thank you Calley and WaS, you have inspired me to have a go at knitting! Might try a baby blanket to begin with

heartbreak_star

I have been talking to a friend who is separated from his wife...she has BPD and has a tendency to drink and then disappear. Currently he is looking after their three children and is in mental health therapy himself.

Any ideas on how I can help him? Is it a case of just being there? And how can he help his wife do her bit with the kids?

Help please!

HBS x

whitewing

HBS,

For bpd, do you mean bipolar or do you mean borderline personality disorder, as it may mean different types of help.

Are social services involved with the children?

In some ways, the best help for the children may be to let the professionals supporting the family see how it actually is, rather than the 'best foot forward' situation. They may get more support then to keep it together.

ETA: If she drinks and disappears then I think it is unlikely that you and your friend will be able to change her parenting methods. She needs professional help to do that. You guys need to make sure the children are safe.

heartbreak_star

Sorry whitewing, I mean borderline personality disorder.

I'm not sure re: social services, I can't see him wanting to get them involved but may suggest it if it will help?

Basically I asked if she was doing her bit with the kids but she's apparently unreliable at best and cannot make a financial contribution. She's living with her mum at the moment I believe, but she does seem to occasionally try to get him back (public lovey-doveyness on FB, for example).

He's only 29 and convinced he can't see a bright future for himself

HBS x

Pyxis

Of course, HBS, you can help out in practical ways, like sharing transport to nursery/school etc, occasional babysitting or having the children to give him a break, etc. etc. I don't mean being an unpaid childminder, just helping out now and again.

Also, being an ear can be invaluable. He may not have many people he can confide fears to, so that would be a great release.

Ring him a couple of times a week, to see how he is. So often people will say, " let me know,if there's anything I can do", and then wait for the person to contact them. However, he may not do that, not wanting to be a burden, so if you phone him specifically to offer help, he might be more likely to say what help he needs.

Errata

This ^ and an even better way to help is to ask someone exactly what could be done to help them that would make a difference.

Waves_and_Smiles

Very good points above. Rather than try to do what one believes to be right it is far better in situations like these to directly ask what help you can be. Do stay in contact with him and let him talk if he wants to HBS, and tell him to let you know what practical help you can be. Asking a direct question might be easier for him than having to suggest it himself, I know if people tell me vaguely that I can ask them for any help I need I tend to avoid asking because i feel like i am burdening people and being selfish. If someone asks me directly what they can do then I feel that they are willing and I am not taking the pee.

Enjoy the knitting katy! I love knitted things but have never been any good at it. I end up pulling the wool so tight that I can't get it off the needles.

That is really positive, whitewing and well done for being brave enough to report. The psychosis was minimal while I was away, the only time it occurred was when there were people nearby which didn't happen very often. Attempting to sit in a pub was a very bad idea and resulted in me lying down under a blanket in the back of the car for half an hour but otherwise I was pretty much ok. I absolutely love being outside, not so much when people are around but slowly does it. I hope that might improve with practice. It makes me even more sure that I would be better off in a far more isolated place than an inner city, unfortunately most Housing Benefit properties can only be found in the latter.

Errata

Asking a direct question might be easier for him than having to suggest it himself,

Indeed it is. Sometimes when someone's in the thick of it there's so much going on they feel they 'can't touch the walls'.

Pyxis

Just to let you know, folks, The Clangers are back! 52 new episodes, made by the original designer Peter Firmin, and the writer's son, Daniel Postgate.
It hasn't been 'modernised'!

5.30pm, CBeebies, Monday to Friday.


Yey!

And here's the knit-your-own pattern! (I can't knit! )


http://www.radiotimes.com/news/2015-06-09/knit-your-own-tiny-clanger

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw! I love The Clangers! I have always wanted a cuddly one! I do have a little plastic one that sits on top of a pencil!