Here we can all be heard for a little while

System

I need to penguin this as its triggered a major meltdown for me and i may delete it

i went to get my contraceptive injection today. But got told i was 2 weeks and a day overdue. The 2 weeks wouldn't be an issue as it still works, but that one day has screwed everything up. I had realtions with Swain on Thuraday and basically the nurse told me there's a chance i could be pregnant. At that point the room started spinning and panic attack ensued. She asked me what i'd do and i said (and i'm sorry is this is triggering) i'd have a termination as i couldn;t cope with pregnancy or having a child right now, she said if that was what i definetly would do they would give me the injection today but i have to do a test in 4 weeks, and if its psitive come back to discuss my options. I was in shock. I literally walked out of there and just broke down. I sat on a step and cried solidly till some older lady came up to me and asked if i was ok. I was supposed to be in work this afternoon but i just couldn't think straight. All i could think about was the fact i could be pregnant. I ended up panciking again and called into work sick. Which is something i have tried so hard not to do because i WILL get a disciplinery, i may even lose my job for having too many absences. I came home and cried for 3 hours straight. i haven;t told swain yet. i eventually looked it up, and various sources say the risk of pregnancy with a late injection is 9%. so i've spent the rest of the day trying to convince myself that's a 91% i'm not pregnant, plus my olanzapine has caused increased prolactin levels anyway and can affect fertility so i'm praying that that means its less likely.

I'm so scared. I do want children one day but right now? i can;t do it. i can;t cope with it. i'm not ready for it. i'm not at a point in life where i can do this and if that makes me a bad person then so be it, the thought of having a termination scares me too, i'm scared that if that happens it would be on my medical record forever. and if i do have kids and if i got referred to social services cos of my bipolar what if they see that and decided i'd be an unfit mother?

i don;t know what to say to Swain. I couldn;t tell him on chat before he started work. i'm trying to tell myself realistically its a low chance i could be pregnant, and that's the point i'd want to stress to him. but i'm so scared. I haven;t told anybody about this. There's nobody i can talk to and i'm feeling very scared and very alone right now. the feelings come in waves. one min i;m fine the next i can;t stop crying. I hate myself cos this is all my fault. i've !!!!ed up. and i don;t know what to do

calleyw

Been a good girl no crap today.

Only had one meal as just did not fancy anything at lunch time.

I cooked a chicken in a slow cooker and had steamed veg and gravy. Yes I know in this heat.

Not sure what I am going to do this evening. Could go out in the garden. Not sure.

Yours

Calley

calleyw

Beki -xXMessedUpXx

I can see why you might be in the state you are in. Try not to blame yourself. It has happened and you can't change that. Its easy for me to say take it easy. But you have to wait 4 weeks. Which is a long time.

Lots of hugs or hand shakes which ever you prefer.

If you want to pm just to talk please feel free.

Yours

Calley

System

calleyw wrote: »

Beki -xXMessedUpXx

I can see why you might be in the state you are in. Try not to blame yourself. It has happened and you can't change that. Its easy for me to say take it easy. But you have to wait 4 weeks. Which is a long time.

Lots of hugs or hand shakes which ever you prefer.

If you want to pm just to talk please feel free.

Yours

Calley

Thanks Calley

hugs are welcome and needed right now

i'm beside myself right now and can't stop panicking, i dont know how i'm going to last 4 weeks of feeling like this

calleyw

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Thanks Calley

hugs are welcome and needed right now

i'm beside myself right now and can't stop panicking, i dont know how i'm going to last 4 weeks of feeling like this

I totally understand why you are panicking. But you need to talk to Swain. If he is the man you think he is. It wont be a problem.

Loads of hugs xx

Yours

Calley

System

calleyw wrote: »

I totally understand why you are panicking. But you need to talk to Swain. If he is the man you think he is. It wont be a problem.

Loads of hugs xx

Yours

Calley

I'm seeing him tonight. Shall sit him down and explain things. And pray i haven;t got it all massively wrong and he'll be supportive. If he isn't...well i can;t even begin to process that right now.

[penguin]
We've briefly talked of kids but we both agree neither of us is ready for them at this point, so in reality, its not like i'm telling him its a certainty or that i'd go through with it. hopefully that will be easier to process if we are on the same page.

i'm so so angry with myself. if i;d just gone sooner. if i hadn't left it till now. i got my dates wrong and thought the injection was only a week late(but still winthin safe limits). i know everyone makes mistakes but not like this, i've always been careful and i've never ever had a pregnancy scare in all the years i've had relationships. why now?

calleyw

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I'm seeing him tonight. Shall sit him down and explain things. And pray i haven;t got it all massively wrong and he'll be supportive. If he isn't...well i can;t even begin to process that right now.

As I said things happen. I know that is no consolation to you.

But at least if you tell Swain then you wont feel so alone.

Yours

Calley

System

calleyw wrote: »

As I said things happen. I know that is no consolation to you.

But at least if you tell Swain then you wont feel so alone.

Yours

Calley

You're right, and if he's the person i think he is, i'm hoping he's going to tell me not to worry (very little makes him worry so lets hope this isn;t one of the few things that does).

My brain feels overloaded right now. My mood has been up the past few days but i feel like i have well and truly crashed. Even without the bipolar this situation would be stressful, but trying to deal with it when i have a faulty brain seems that much harder.

calleyw

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

You're right, and if he's the person i think he is, i'm hoping he's going to tell me not to worry (very little makes him worry so lets hope this isn;t one of the few things that does).

I am sure he is the person you think he is.

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

My brain feels overloaded right now. My mood has been up the past few days but i feel like i have well and truly crashed. Even without the bipolar this situation would be stressful, but trying to deal with it when i have a faulty brain seems that much harder.

I know that you said you were out meds. So I am sure that is not helping the situation either.

Yours

Calley

System

calleyw wrote: »

I am sure he is the person you think he is.



I know that you said you were out meds. So I am sure that is not helping the situation either.

Yours

Calley

Yeah that's a good point...i'm seeing my doctor tomorrow so will get meds and have a chance to talk to her. not having meds certainly isn't helping the situation.

i need to accept there is literally nothing i can do right now. i just have to wait. and cross that road if i come to it.