Oh dear, did I put my foot in it?

Aldeney

I can't imagine what your friend has gone through losing her child but most of us have experienced grief and anger is a natural part of that. In my opinion though it is not a licence to be rude. You had the best of intentions when you offered your thoughtful gift and I think her reaction was rather ungracious. You did nothing wrong.

KiKi

AubreyMac wrote: »

Acknowledged.

I just recalled how upset she was previously that everyone had just moved on and forgotten so I thought she might feel just as upset each anniversary.

I think your heart was in the right place, although personally I think naming a star feels excessive - I can understand remembering it and doing something for the first anniversary, but doing something every anniversary might feel like prolonging the pain. But, I think you're very kind to remember.

I would text the above to her. Nothing long, just very simply why you did it. At least she'll then understand where you're coming from.

For everyone saying "she's really hard work" - grieving for a child can take years, and she's also grieving for all the children she'll now never have. It doesn't excuse bad behaviour, but a good friend should be allowed to have a few moods and times of feeling down every now and then - especially on the anniversary of the death of their child.

It sounds like she's still grieving and not over things, yet. I would also be annoyed if we'd split the bill for a meal and then I'd had to pay extra, but I wouldn't obsess over who did it. At face value it sounds a bit like she's focusing on things that aren't important because it's easier to do that than deal with the pain. I think all you can do is be there for her and allow her to talk if she wants to.

belfastgirl23

TBH I'd say part of the role of being a good friend in a circumstance like this is swallowing it when they take bad feeling out on you. Which is what is happening here. It's not fair that she said this to you but I'd presume in your shoes that it's not about your gesture, it's about her venting something she was feeling anyway. I would apologise and say that you never intended this to upset her (since this is patently true). Perhaps somewhere in the future you could also acknowledge to her that you were hurt by her reaction, but I'd figure that's quite a bit down the line.

She is lucky to have a friend like you though!

AubreyMac

I don't plan on getting a gift each year (gosh, it's already a job itself thinking what to get people every xmas & birthday), but a star certificate would suggest it's a gift to last 'forever'.

We've been friends about 4 years now. We met at a mutual friend's dinner party and we clicked immediately, we exchanged numbers that day and found out that we both work for the same organisation/local authority and that our work places were only 10mins walk from each other.

She is a special needs teacher and specialises in a very rare condition/disability. She is the deputy head of service for the children with disabilities dept in our organisation.

A year after we met (by then we were in contact most days) my sister got pregnant and after a traumatic birth, it transpired that my nephew has this rare profound disability that my friend specialises in. It really felt like meeting her was meant to happen. She has been a great help to my sister (who lives in the borough we work for) and she has used her contacts to get my nephew the help he needs. This has bonded us even more.

Althogh her reaction to her birthday party is nothing to do with what happened today, I only mentioned it to point out that it's very out of character.

duchy

I'm quessing you've never lost anyone you were very close to.

You don't grieve for a set period of time -and are then over it. You can appear to start functioning again and moving forward -and the most random things -a smell, a song, a phrase can trigger off great pain and it becomes raw again. Saying someone is getting over a loss is meaningless -you don't get over a loss you learn to live with it -and the bad days although fewer can come out of nowhere and something seemingly innocuous on those days can trigger grief yet on another day wouldn't.

On an anniversary often other people can't do anything right -it's not what they've done or not done -it that the bereaved person is so sensitive that it can be inevitable

The meal ....was likely one of those bad days .......and if was the first celebration she had felt able to fully participate in she may have felt she needed to know who it was to know who wasn't the friend she thought they were -she obviously asked everyone there not just you.

Although who knows- My cousin once caused a huge row after a big family meal accusing people of not putting in correctly- most had actually put in more and it turned out he'd missed that as it was a group the restaurant had already added the service charge. We were all really annoyed with him for spoiling what had been a lovely meal with bad feeling (he didn't work it out til the next day -and never apologized)

I do think sometimes you need to just shrug and let things go -however I'd also suggest you edit your last post- you've added so much detail about your friend that it'd be easy for anyone who knows her to identify her from the amount of detail you've given -and I'm sure she'd be very upset if she read your posts about her.

System

Did you put your foot in it? No I think she was being ungrateful.

On the first anniversary of my daughters birth I got sent a birthday card for her from a little boy who had died around the same time my daughter did (a month after).

I understood and appreciated the sentiment behind it. His Mum had thought it was appropriate but I didn't. Was I upset or offended.... Well no, I wished she hadn't sent it but she obviously felt the need.

Who am I to judge how a bereaved Mother grieves?

emmaj30

TBH - I thought what you did was a very nice thing.
On one hand your friend is moaning that people have moved on and forgotten about her baby, but on the other hand shes not happy with you for buying this.
I know shes been through a hard time but she can still say thank you even if she didn't like it as you had obviously spent time sorting out the present.

enjoyyourshoes

You did good.


She possibly needs 'help'


Next year don't bother, she needs to be able to move on and register her own remembrance in her own individual way.


Avoid 'going Dutch' next reunion, suggest 'picnic in the park'

Anatidaephobia

duchy wrote: »

I'd also suggest you edit your last post- you've added so much detail about your friend that it'd be easy for anyone who knows her to identify her from the amount of detail you've given -and I'm sure she'd be very upset if she read your posts about her.

I agree. There's a lot of very detailed info provided in this thread; anyone could identify either you or her as a result.

marisco_2

You put a lot of thought and effort into trying to be there for your friend and showing her that you cared. Her reaction to receiving your gift was probably caught up in a whole host of very difficult emotions that she was battling with. Be yourself and just give your time and a listening ear from now on.