Oh dear, did I put my foot in it?

AubreyMac

I met up for Sunday lunch with a friend today and it's ended quite badly.

2 years ago today her baby boy passed away. He was born very prematurely and lived 2 weeks. It has been traumatic for her as she struggled for a long time to have a baby and now it is unlikely (for medical reasons) she ever will have a child of her own.

Around 6-12 months after the passing of her baby, she commented how everyone has just moved on and when it was the first anniversary of her baby's death, she got quite upset that some people had forgotten. Last year I went with her to the grave and brought a helium balloon for her to make a wish/message and release into the sky. She liked that gesture and found it touching and therapeutic.

Today I presented her with a 'name a star' certificate in a frame. When I gave it to her she looked very stern and spent the rest of our lunch rather quiet. I knew she didn't like the certificate but didn't want to say. The rest of our lunch was quite uncomfortable and afterwards we went back to our own homes.

Couple hours later she sent me a text saying the thought was appreciated but she felt the gift of a certificate was a bit insensitive and later clarified that she thought it was 'cheesy'. Really? more cheesy than releasing a helium baloon?

I'm willing to let this go and put her comments down to part of grieving and mixed emotions of what today is, but I now feel that I have to carefully watch what I say/do.

Do you think naming a star certificate was a bad idea?

Andypandyboy

No, I think it was a lovely thing to do. I would just put it down to her being upset today.

rcjm

Personally, not a at all. I think it's a really lovely gesture. Very thoughtful. At the same time however, I cannot even comprehend how losing a child might feel.
I would feel confused too if I had received this reaction to this particular gift.

Rambosmum

I think it was a really kind and thoughtful gesture, but she's grieving and clearly didn't see it like that. I think you should just forget about it and move on. At least she knows what a thoughtful friend you are, thinking about her and her loss.

suejb2

You remembered the first anniversary of his passing which is admirable in my opinion. You have now set a precedent by remembering the second year and also getting something to go with it. I would have just acknowledged this year's by offering your "thoughts" and a hug.

gettingtheresometime

I'm with suejb2.

The first year, following any death, is a hard one as its full of firsts.

However I would find it odd if a friend did this for me on the 2nd anniversary and as sue has said, an acknowledgement of the date - imo - would have been sufficient

AubreyMac

I have just remembered another thing that was very out of character.

Last october was her birthday. She arranged a meal in a fancy restaurant in Cambridge (she was staying there that week) and invited a lot of her friends. In total there was about 20 of us, most of who I didn't know. Majority of attendees travelled for this meal and were going to travel back home.

Once the meal was finished, we got the bill and went round paying for what we ate, we divided her meal amongst the rest of us. I paid and left when about half the people had already gone as I had a train to catch.

The following day she sent me a text asking if I can send her a pic of my receipt. The reason being is that when everyone paid, there was still £16 short and her being the one who booked the table she had to pay that shortfall and is now angry that someone was dishonest about what they had so she was now going round a process of elimination. Fortunately I paid by card so was able to prove that I paid correctly (my own meal, drink, service and a portion of her order).

In the end she accused one of her friends (who paid cash) of not correctly adding the service and asked if she can transfer her some of that £16. They fell out over this.

Now, my friend is not hard up and can easily affort £16 especially as her own meal was paid for. I have been for meals with her where she has tipped the waitor/waitress more than this so to fall out over £16 is very out of character.

AubreyMac

suejb2 wrote: »

You remembered the first anniversary of his passing which is admirable in my opinion. You have now set a precedent by remembering the second year and also getting something to go with it. I would have just acknowledged this year's by offering your "thoughts" and a hug.

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I'm with suejb2.

The first year, following any death, is a hard one as its full of firsts.

However I would find it odd if a friend did this for me on the 2nd anniversary and as sue has said, an acknowledgement of the date - imo - would have been sufficient

Acknowledged.

I just recalled how upset she was previously that everyone had just moved on and forgotten so I thought she might feel just as upset each anniversary.

busiscoming2

I think the star certificate is a lovely idea and don't know how she can think it 'cheesy'. I do think though, that actually buying something was unnecessary and a hug would have been enough.

Having said that I have never been in her situation, so don't know what I would feel like.

Bella73

I think it was very thoughtful, but one of the situations with her grief that whatever you did or did not do would be wrong.

Next year maybe just tell her you are thinking of her.

Threebabes

She sounds a bit of a nightmare to me (sorry...). Must have been terrible loosing her baby, cant imagine it and you went out of your way to acknowledge the anniversary of this loss.

You were thoughtful and appear to be a good friend. You were probably in the position where whatever you did wouldn't be the right thing to do.