Oh dear, did I put my foot in it?

FBaby

The issue over the meal, I would have been really annoyed out of principle myself regardless of whether I could afford the amount. I have been to many meals when it is agreed that all pay for their own. All good reasonable people, but you can be sure that every other occasion, someone who messes about, seem to suddenly forget that they had two glasses a wine and dessert, and because no-one dares to challenge them, the rest end up paying for them. I don't think it is them being dishonest, just that they fail to really pay attention, usually because they don't believe in the 'we all pay for our own' because they are always the ones costing the most.

However, her attitude over your gift is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. This was very thoughtful and if she didn't like it, she should have focus on the fact that you remembered and made an effort. People like her are the ones who loses friends one after another and then can't understand why. People are not psychic and can't always know what to say or do best, but remembering and making a gesture is what friendship is about.

Counting_Pennies_2

AubreyMac wrote: »

Acknowledged.

I just recalled how upset she was previously that everyone had just moved on and forgotten so I thought she might feel just as upset each anniversary.

Personally I would email or text her what you first stated here. That you felt the need to acknowledge due to her upset at people not acknowledging it last year.
That you were doing it in good faith as a nice gesture to her.

barbarawright

I think you're a good friend and you are just going to have to suck it up at the moment. I'm sure she'll feel embarassed over the star once she realises what a lovely gesture it was - I bet her family and other friends will think it is - so you may need more tact if she mentions it again.

meritaten

I don't think its cheesy - I think its lovely! My son did this and named his then partner when they had a baby.
I think you were in a lose/lose situation there. She may be suffering depression and everyone around her also suffers.

j.e.j.

Grief can bring out the worst in people. Losing a child and not being able to have another must be unbearable (not that you can ever 'replace' a child, but some people find that going on to have more children can help to fill that void iyswim)

I know someone who lost an adult child, and she became the most awful, embittered person. Really it's a wonder anyone ever spoke to her again, the way she behaved.

Give it time, OP and hopefully she will start to heal. Has she received any counselling or anything like that?

VfM4meplse

OP, your friend has been through a lot, but the fact that she arranged a celebration for her birthday was a clear indication that she had moved on and was ready to get on with her life. She may not have liked your gesture but could have accepted with grace.

As for the birthday party.....fancy expecting others to pay for her and then resenting paying a fraction of the cost of a meal and tracking the perpetrator down. When I invite guests, they are just that - guests - and I foot the bill.

The fact that you need to think hard over how she may perceive any action tells me that she is just too much hard work. Reset the terms of the friendship, step away from her and towards someone that actually deserves your consideration.

Anatidaephobia

I think it was a lovely thing to do. I know from a friend whose son died when he was less than a month old that she also felt like everybody else just moved on. Several years have passed now and she marks every year. But grief is different for everybody. Maybe your friend was just dealing with the day in her own way and the gift was unexpected and didn't fit with her state of mind at the time. I wouldn't feel bad about it though. I agree with the poster who said you were in a lose/lose situation here. You did something nice, maybe it didn't work out as planned, I would just let it go and move on. I wouldn't hold any grudge or ill feeling as a result of this though I could understand if you did re the splitting the bill incident!

bagpussbear

I think what you did was a lovely thoughtful thing. You did it with the best of intentions, and I think it was rude of your friend to say anything. Even if she thought it tacky, why did she even think to mention that she didn't like it. I mean, if she values your friendship, why on earth go home, dwell on it and then text?

And as for the dinner back in October, well! if a friend asked me to send a picture of my receipt to prove I didn't diddle anything, well that would be the end of that friendship, sorry.

How long have you known your friend? just wondering if this is out of character, or you are just starting to know her true colours now?

Spendless

AubreyMac wrote: »

Acknowledged.

I just recalled how upset she was previously that everyone had just moved on and forgotten so I thought she might feel just as upset each anniversary.

I wonder if by that she meant no-one had acknowledged the date and asked her how she was, rather than do anything specific.

I lost our first baby in pregnancy in not very pleasant circumstances and the hospital told me to wait until the 1st anniversary until trying again (advice I ignored!) I can (with hindsight) understand why, it's because for 12 months you are going through the firsts of what should have been, the first Christmas, first birthday as a Mum, first Mother's day and so on. A balloon that flies away to mark an end to this period may have been well received, whereas a keepsake a year on, doesn't have the same impact hence the cheesy comment.

However I do think she should have kept her comments to herself, acknowledged that you were being thoughtful. The time to mention she didn't want any more momentos wasn't now. It should be mentioned casually a short time before the next anniversary, long enough away to ensure you hadn't bought anything else.

Errata

Let it go, that's what good friends do.